A magician was driving down the street and turned into a driveway
No text found
I couldn’t join the KKK, apparently my bloodline isn’t pure enough
Turns out, my parents weren't even related.
A nun is having a bath when she hears a knock of the door….
She says "who is it?" "It's the blind man" comes the response. Ok, thinks the nun. "Come in then". In walks the man; "nice tits, now where do you want this blind?"
The shovel was one of the greatest invention
This invention was ground breaking
โHey officer, how did the hackers escape?โ
โNo idea, they just ransomware.โ
A blonde who was tired of all the blonde jokes going around and decided to dye her hair brown.
She then went for a drive in the country and came upon a shepherd herding his sheep across the road. "Hey, shepherd! If I guess how many sheep there are here, can I keep one?" The shepherd is puzzled but agrees. Out of the blue, she blurts out "352!" He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick out a sheep. She picks out the cutest one. He looks at her and says "If I guess what color your hair really is, can I have my dog back?"
I think Saturn’s name is the best in our solar system
It has a nice ring to it
The best part about Islamic sex dolls
Is they can blow themselves up
So I said to Arnie: “Where did you get those toilet rolls?”
He said: "Aisle B, Back."
Security professionals advise to never use โbeef stewโ as a password
It isnโt stroganoff
I took a video of my shoe yesterday.
It was some pretty good footage
I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps.
He gave me a blank stair.
A student visits the principalโs office one day and the principal says to him, โWhatโs your name, son?โ He replies: โD-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.โ The principal looks up and asks him, โOh, do you have a stutter?โ
The student replies, โNo sir, my dad has a stutter and the guy who registered my name was an asshole.โ
How many bones are in a human hand?
A handful.
A man walks into a bar. The bartender greets him and says, For 5 bucks, Iโll show you something amazing…
The man agrees and hands over his 5 bucks. The bartender pulls out a small piano and a guy who is only about a foot tall. The guy sits down and plays an amazing tune on the piano. โWow heโs amazing. Where did you get him!?!โ He bartender replied, โThere is a genie on the corner, heโll grant you one wish.โ The guy leaves the bar, finds the genie and says, โI want a million bucks!โ All of a sudden ducks start falling out of the sky. The guy runs back to the bar to escape all the ducks and asks, โWhatโs wrong with that genie? I asked for a million bucks, and ducks started falling out of the sky!โ The bartender shakes his head and says, โHeโs hard of hearing. Do you seriously think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?โ
There is a good chance youโll fail your calculus exam if you are sitting between identical twins.
Because itโs hard to differentiate between them.
Welfare Check:
A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi.. You know…., I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2019 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. "Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive." The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!" The social worker said, "Yeah, well … You started it."
Did you hear about the atheist who couldnโt use exponents?
He didnโt believe in higher powers.
When I was a child I had a condition where I had to eat mud three times a day in order to survive…
Itโs lucky my older brother told me about it, really.
I dig, you dig, he digs, she digs we dig, they dig.
Itโs not a very long poem, but itโs pretty deep.
If something were heat resistant…
Would you say it's heat proof, to a certain degree?
A US senator died and went to heaven.
When he gets to heaven Saint Peter is waiting for him at the pearly gates. Peter says: "Oh a Senator huh? Well we have a special deal for you! Since you spent your life trying to reach across the aisle to both parties we give you 24 hours in both heaven and hell and at the end of 48 hours you get to decide where you want to spend eternity." The senator looks a bit bewildered and says "why can't I just go into heaven?" Peter replies:"sorry rules are rules, where do you want to go first?" The senator replies:"let's get the hard part out of the way first. I'll go to hell to begin with." Peter points to an elevator: "press the button and go all the way down." The senator walks over presses the button and starts heading down. Going down nothing changes everything seems the same as when he got in and when he hits the bottom it opens up to reveal a sandals resort-esque layout. As soon as he walks out a woman clad in a bikini gives him a mojito and he is greeted by three of his old friends. They walk over to a golf course and have a grand time catching up and talking. Then the devil walks up. Except no horns, nor hoofs, but rather a white linen suit. He smiles and starts cracking jokes and the Senator has a blast. At the end of 24 hours he gets back in the elevator and goes back up to the pearly gates. Peter greets him and asks: "how was it?" The Senator responds "amazing!" Peter raises an eyebrow quizzically and then directs him to the entrance of heaven. The Senator goes in and enjoys chilling on cloud furniture relaxing and enjoying himself but he is lonely and it just isn't the same without his friends. So at the end of the 48 hours he goes back to Peter. Peter asks him: "have you made up your mind? The Senator replies: "I have. Never thought I would say this in my entire life, but I would like to go to hell." Peter looks at him aghast. "Are you sure? Because once you make the choice it is irrevocable." The Senator replies "yes i'm sure." Peter again points to the elevator and replies: "May God have mercy on you." The Senator goes and gets into the elevator. This time as it goes down it starts getting warmer to the point where the elevator feels like a furnace. The elevator stops and opens, but this time itโs different. The Senator sees fire and caverns with devils chasing people with pitchforks and everything is well…hell. He walks up to the devil who this time has horns, hoofs, and wings. He says โWhen I came here the other day it was like a tropical beach resort, now itโs well hell. What happened??โ The devil looks at him and says smiling: โwell you see the other day we were campaigning, but today you voted.โ
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump!
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?" He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!" Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over. -Emo Philips
Why did Bill Barr gas protestors?
So the chicken could cross the road
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high
She looked surprised
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes we arson
Well… Here goes nothing
No text found
I applied for a job cleaning mirrors.
I can really see myself doing that.
A barber in my town was arrested for illegal drug trade. It was shocking, I have been his customer for years.
Never knew he was a barber.
What do you call an epileptic emperor?
Julius seizure
What do an Amsterdam woman and Saudi woman have in common?
They both get stoned after sex
What do you call a 1 armed man who does karate?
Partial arts
If the Americans change from pounds to kilograms overnight,
there will be mass confusion.