A man, a dog, and a goat are the only survivors of a shipwreck
They end up on a deserted island. After a few weeks, the man is feeling very lonely and starts looking at the goat in a new light. One day he tries to have his way with it but the dog growls and scares him off. He goes to sleep unsatisfied.
The next day he tries again, but the dog is there, growling and threatening to attack if the man gets too close to the goat.
The man grows frustrated. One day, he sees a ship foundering off the coast. He is able to save someone from drowning. He gets them to shore and discovers it’s a beautiful woman. She comes to and says “Wow, you saved my life. I’ll do anything to thank you. Anything.”
The man can’t believe his luck. He looks at her and his mind reels with the possibilities.
“Would you mind holding this dog for a minute?”
At the hearings, Kavanaugh was asked how he would prefer to cross a waist deep river, in a rowboat or simply walk across it
He said he doesn't want to give an opinion on Row Vs. Wade
9/11 jokes are not funny
But the other 2 are
What do you call an alligator in a vest?
Why did the vegetarian fail his exam?
There were too many missed stakes
Where is the safest place in your house during a zombie apocalypse?
The Living Room! Credit goes to this old man at my job. He's full of em.
Based on a globally omnipresent story
A sweater I purchased was picking up static electricity, so I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one, free of charge.
The girlfriend and I just drove by a shoe in the road
GF: A shoe! Me: Bless you Was pretty proud of myself for a couple minutes.
Maybe we CAN’T all just get along.
Sometimes Boomer Humor is adorable
Hey lady, respect our laws.
I accidentally clicked on a pop-up link that said, “Free Justin Bieber tickets inside!”
Thankfully it was just a virus.
Quantum Earth Theory
Gunna go pay $80 for an HD bandana now
Who’s who though?
A young man gathers his courage and decides to come out as being gay to his mother and father
They're both reasonably shocked, but are very supportive. They assure him that they still love him, and wish he'd told them sooner. Everything seems to be going great, until the father poses a question to his son that makes the young man really think. "How are you going to focus on college if you're spending all your time being a moderator on Reddit?"
I’ve seen people put theirs up in September!
I’m particularly not a fan of Java but, this is straight fire
A man is sitting next to a woman who is trying to breast feed her baby on the bus. The baby refuses to eat and the mother warns, "If you don't eat I'll give it to the man next to me." The baby refuses. After 20 mins the mother repeats the threat. The man clears his throat and says, "Hey woman, you better make up your mind. I was supposed to get off the bus 6 stops ago!"
It’s pretty sad
What are you doing with your life
These two posts together
Veganism is like Communism..
They are both fine, unless you like food.
Three Old men reminiscing in a nursing home…….
……..complaining about their biggest regrets on getting old. The first old man said "I'd give anything to take a good piss like I did when I was young. Every morning I get up it takes me 5 minutes to take a piss, and then it's only a small dribble." The second old man said "I'd give anything to take a good shit like I did when I was young. Every morning I sit on the stool and strain and strain until I can finally get something out." The third old man said "Well, every morning at 5 I take me a really long piss. Then at 6 on the dot I take a really big shit." The other two old men look at him and say "So what the hell are you complaining about?" The third old man says "I don't wake up until 7".
Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realise there is no soap. Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers. He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue. The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap. "Oh look" says the first nun, "its a soap dispenser". To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood… sure enough he drops the second bar of Soap. The third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs, then yells! "Mary, Mother of God – Hand Lotion too!
“What are we even paying them for?”
Your humble servant
A policeman is training three men, Bob, Don, and Rod, to become detectives.
The policeman flashes an image of a suspect at Bob for five seconds, and then asks him, "This is your suspect. How will you catch him?" Bob replies, "Well, sir, that's easy! He only has one eye!" The policeman replies, "That's because the photo I showed you is his profile! He doesn't have one eye!" He goes to Don next, and does his usual thing. Don replies, "That's a piece of cake! He only has one ear!" To which the policeman says, "Well, that's because the photo I showed you IS HIS PROFILE!" Pissed off at this point, he goes to Rod and asks him, "This is your suspect. How will you find him?" Rod looks at the picture intently, and the says, "The suspect wears contact lenses." The policeman is confused, and decides to check. Moments later, he emerges with a big smile on . his face and says, "Wow! He really does wear contact lenses! How did you make such an astute observation?" "Easy. He can't wear regular glasses because he has only one eye and one ear."
Its his penis lol get it 😂😂
Experimental proof of String theory can wait!
I told my Asian parents that I am Asexual
They were disappointed that I wasn't A+sexual.
Oh Honey 🍯
Who really cares if I don’t know what apocalypse means?
It's not the end of the world
The new normal.
I couldn’t give a shit about what vegans eat. Cannibals on the other hand…
WHERE’S MY OTHER FUCKING HAND?
What has two butts and kills people
That’s What I Said Sodium Chloride
Women never stop talking!
I <3 Pokemon Creatures Go
A stutterer’s wife was getting annoyed of his stutter…
So she asks him to go see a doctor. When the men got to the hospital and explained everything the doctor said: "Pull down your pants." "W-why?" "Just do it." "O-ok." "There's the problem. You have a big penis that is pulling down your diaphragm. You will have to do a surgery to take a bit of your penis of if you want to talk normaly." "O-ok t-then." After the surgery he gets home and says: "Hello honey, what is the dinner?" "Wow you can speak normally!" "Yes just had to take of a bit of my penis." "WHAT? GO BACK TO THE HOSPITAL AND TELL THEM TO REVERT YHE SURGERY!" At the hospital the man speaks to the doctor: "My wife wants you to revert the surgery." "T-that w-will n-not b-be p-possible."
After my breakup I talked to my ex one last time and said: “Do you know what’s been the best thing since I left you, it’s-”
“Oh, I know. You’ve been out shagging anything that moves!” she said. “Sowing your wild oats, getting your prick into anything with a pulse. I know exactly what you’re all about!” “-it’s that I’ve actually been able to finish a fucking sentence without being interrupted.”
Praise the sun
When I ever get to be a dad, I wanna start early.
If I would get to be the dad of a son, I'd name him Jason so on the moment of his birth I can get up and shout: "Jesus Christ, it's Jason, born!"
An interesting title
As I get older and remember all the people I’ve lost along the way, I think to myself…
"Maybe a career as a tour guide isn't right for me?"
In the before times
iPhone 12 Commercial Parody – 48 CAMERAS!!
I just bought two fish I called one one and the other two…
So then when one dies I'll still have two
Ho ho ho
“perfect” phone call
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in the pan?
You take away its broom.
The 4 part trilogy that ends in tragedy
What has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad that you’re alive?
I just did and apparently will not be allowed on this airline again.
A man walks up to a woman in a bar and puts down a lime next to her.
Woman: What’s this? Man: It’s a lime. Woman: Would you mind moving it somewhere else? The man says, “No problem.” But then seems to have real difficulty in lifting it from the table. Woman: Is everything ok? Man: It seems like I’m terrible at pick up limes.
LIBERAL BAD, VEHICULAR MAN SLAUGHTER GOOD
Went to a zoo that only had one animal in it, and it was a dog.
It was a pretty Shih Tzu
Now I know what all the toilet paper hoarders are doing
I didn’t realize my dad used to steal board-games from the toy store.
But when I look back now, all the Clues added up.
If you run in front of a car
You will get tired. And if you run behind a car, you will get exhausted.
Why did the Pepsi rep get fired?
His blood tested positive for Coke.
Windows users before Windows 7 exists
Very stable genius
A woman meets Syd the Stud in a bar.
They talk. They connect. They end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft,sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf,and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears, She is quite impressed by his sensitive side but doesn’t mention this to him. They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?’ She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other’s clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well,how was it?’ The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says… . . . . . . . . . "Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf"
Seen this gem in Sandestin Fl last week.
The debate is settled then.