A man accidentally elbows a woman’s boob
as she is standing behind him in a hotel lobby. The man apologizes profusely and says "if your heart is as soft as your breasts, I know you'll forgive me."
To which the woman replied "if your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 318."
My deaf girlfriend just told me, “We need to talk.”
That is not a good sign.
Had a chick pull a knife out on me and tried to cut my dick off…
She missed and stabbed me in the thigh. She was later charged with a misdaweiner.
I’m having trouble organizing a Hide and Seek League.
Good players are hard to find.
Been a dad 5 mo, so I’m a little new to this… Hit my wife with this one tonight at dinner.
Me: Dinner is served as soon as you dress the salad. Wife: What are you thinking? Me: Business casual.
My girlfriend got mad at me because I had sex with her twin…
…I told her it wasnt my fault, they look just alike. But she didnt believe me because her hair is a lot longer than his.
My dad died when we couldn’t remember his blood type…
As he died, he kept insisting “BE POSITIVE,” but it’s really hard without him.
Why is suicide illegal in China ?
Destruction of government property.
Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, “You are charged with beating your wife to death with a shovel.” A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, “You bastard!”
The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a shovel." Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You fucking bastard!!!" The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, "Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt! Now what is the problem?" Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen years I lived next door to that bastard and every time I asked to borrow a fucking shovel he said he didn't have one!"
Why isn’t your nose 12 inches?
Because then it would be a foot
To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner.
They picked pizza. Then I made tacos because they don't live in a swing state.
Today I had my appointment with my psychiatrist
He thinks that I'm paranoid. He didn't say it, but I know he's thinking it.
Waiter: Do you want a box for your leftovers?
No. But I'll wrestle you for them.
A husband and wife are doing a crossword puzzle.
Husband: Programs for mobile devices. 4 letters Wife: Apps Husband: Adolescent, 4 letters Wife: Teen Husband: Contraction meaning failed to perform, 5 letters Wife: Didn't Husband: Take a life, 4 letters Wife: Kill Husband: Religious songs, 5 letters Wife: Hymns Husband: Santa's little helper, 3 letters Wife: Elf
Did you hear about the sour grape?
All he did was wine
Today is a day we celebrate motherfuckers.
Happy Father's Day!
What do you call a hippie’s wife?
Mississippi.
What did the ocean say to the shore?
Nothing, it just waved.
Two women were playing golf.
One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'? He replied: It feels great, but I think my thumb's still broken.
All these shelter in place protests, the signs all say the same thing…oh Karen….
https://ift.tt/2yrl65k
I went to the pet shop and asked for 12 bees
The clerk counted out 13 bees and handed them over. “You’ve given me one too many” I said. “That one is a freebie”
I looked deep into her eyes
And my legs grew weak at the knees, my heart fluttered, and the butterflies started in my stomach. I knew, in that moment, I'd roofied the wrong glass…
Don’t get mad at lazy people..
They didn't do anything.
21st century: your vacuum cleaner makes no noise, your AC makes no noise, your washing machine makes no noise, your electric car makes no noise…
The city's street cleaning wagon is as noisy as Apollo 11 taking off
Dads are like Boomerangs.
I hope.
The CEO of a large gas station chain was arrested yesterday.
He was running a Shell corporation.