A man and a woman are sitting side by side at a bar getting really wasted. They both look really depressed.
The man asks the woman why she's so down and she replies, "My husband left me because he said I was too kinky in bed."
"What a conicidence" he said. "My wife just left me. She said I was too kinky in bed too."
They start talking and after a few more drinks they decide to go to the woman's apartment for some kinky sex.
When they arrive at her apartment she tells him she needs a few minutes so she can slip into something more uncomfortable. She comes out of the bathroom with a tight black leather outfit, holding a whip and handcuffs. Then she hurries into the kitchen and comes out with tabasco sauce, whipped cream and a rolling pin.
She notices that the man is putting on his coat and is walking towards the door to leave.
"What's going on?" she asks. "I thought you wanted to get kinky?"
He turns around and says, "I just fucked your dog and shat in your purse. I'm all done."
The wheel installer at the auto factory told me, “Man, I’m so tired.”
As a muffler specialist, I replied, "I'm the one that's really exhausted."
Like 1/3 of the posts on this sub are funny
Just because it’s made be a baby boomer doesn’t make it bad
I just had to breakup with my cross eyed girlfriend
She was seeing other people
People call me Mr. Compromise…
Wasn't my first choice for a nickname, but I can live with it…
One big difference between men and women is…
that if a woman says "smell this" it usually smells nice
Why are electricians the best journalists?
They are always working on current events.
Which President is the least guilty?
Lincoln. He’s in a cent
My sister: Wow dad, you smell good
Dad: I know, it’s because I use both of my nostrils
I named my dog “Wifi”…
Because I stole it from my neighbor…
Did they send me fathers?
When I asked for nuns?
“Mister E. how do I get more muscle?”, “ah, you see young Opi, the secret it’s in the mass”
“Mister E. how do I get more muscle?”, “ah, you see young Opi, the secret it’s in the mass”
I just ate a frozen apple
It was hardcore
What room of a house does a ghost not need?
The LIVING ROOM
If money doesn’t grow on tree’s….
Then why do banks have so many branches?
The American Government right now
https://ift.tt/2Mk4XlR
I got a really ugly looking calculator for Christmas.
But it is what is on the inside that counts.
I don’t understand my wife, once a month she loses her temper at me.
I think it's just a bloody ovaryaction.
What happens when frogs park illegally?
They get toad.
Me: “When I donate blood I do not extract it. A nurse does it for me. “
Receptionist: "Yes, but this is a sperm bank and it doesn't work that way. "
Bouncer: “I’m going to have to ask you to leave
Me: "Why?" Bouncer: "I don’t know you, and This is my trampoline."
Scientists got bored of watching the earth spin so after 24 hours
They called it a day
Weinstein didn’t kill himself
Sorry just practicing
For the 10th year in a row, my coworkers voted me “the most secretive guy” in the office.
I can't tell you how much this award means to me.
There is a law in my city that people who live somewhere else can’t be buried in any of it’s cemeteries.
It's because they are still alive.
5 y/o me when I heard that two people with both the same name are in a serious relationship…
https://ift.tt/3cR7gIM
Trump, Clinton, Obama, and Bush each ran a mile.
Trump made a time of 11:56 Clinton was slightly faster, timing at 11:31 Obama was very fast, he ran a 10:03 But Bush did 9:11
Why did the blind man fall into the well?
Because he couldn't see that well.
Two different doctors worked together on my knee surgery
It was a joint operation
“What’s the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?”
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time…" A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit…"
[NSFW] Why did the eunuch’s wife leave him?
Honestly, he couldn't give a fuck.
There are two types of people in this world.
Those that finish their sentences and those
A family are driving behind a garbage truck….
A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the wind shield. Embarrassed, and to spare her young daughter's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was just an insect." To which her daughter replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."
What’s worse than the doctor putting his hand on your shoulder during a prostate exam?
The doctor putting two hands on your shoulders during a prostate exam.