A man and his wife are at a restaurant…
The wife leaves for the bathroom and a short while later the waiter arrives.
'what would you like sir?' he asks.
'I'll have the steak, but my wife is using the restroom at the minute', the man replies.
'oh, well, do you know what she's having?'
The man replies, 'well it's been about 10 minutes so I'd say a shit'
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
"How do you eat with that thing?"
What do u call a zombie that writes music?
A decomposer
I’m so good at sleeping
I could do it with my eyes closed
Imagine if we Americans switched from pounds to kilograms over night.
There would be mass confusion.
How do you know when your wife is dead?
The sex is the same, but the dishes start piling up.
Reddit is like anal sex
You dont know how it works for the first time, It can be painful and time consuming, But if done correctly you start enjoying it later. AND ITS NOT FOR EVERYONE.
I got mad when my teacher told me I was an average student.
It was just a mean thing to say.
How do they make scissors at the factory?
With cutting edge technology.
When I become a lawyer I want to defend a penguin.
Just so I can say the words “Your Honor, clearly my client is not a flight risk.”
Why is the letter “C” afraid of the rest of the alphabet?
Because all the other letters are Not-Cs
What gender is google?
Female, she doesn’t let you finish your sentence before suggesting something.
My favorite pornstar died last night.
I woke up today with mourning wood.
The Island Joke.
There was an island with three kingdoms on it. Let's call them A, B and C. The island had a fresh water lake on it and the lake itself had an island. The three kingdoms always kept fighting over this island. One day the three kingdoms decided to settle this dispute once it for all and sent small portions of their armies. Kingdom A sent 15 knights and 25 squires; kingdom B send 20 knights and 25 squires and Kingdom C sent one knight and one squire. The knights decided among themselves that this fighting was beneath them and decided to let the squires settle things by themselves. While the squires of Kingdom A and Kingdom B were warming up, the squire of Kingdom C erected a tall pole, tied a noose to it and hung a pot in the noose. When they actually started fighting, the squire of kingdom C was able to successfully fight off all the other squires, because the squire of the high-pot-and-noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.
What’s on the inside of a fire hydrant?
H2O. What's on the outside of the hydrant? K9P
I went to the shop the other day to buy six cans of Sprite.
It was only when I got home that I realised I had picked 7 Up.
Triple JAVA – me coding Java, whilst drinking Java and being in Java, Indonesia
https://ift.tt/2RX5hLx
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, ‘I almost had an affair with another woman.’
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?' The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.' The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put £50 in the poor box.' The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!' The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the £50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
It’s strange to see Christians advocating abstinence only sex education…
According to their own religion, even abstinence isn't 100% effective.
Pulled on a door that required a push,
should have handled that better.
What’s the dumbest animal in the jungle??
A polar bear
What do you call a dolphin that never ends?
Dol, cause there’s no “fin.”
Yes i masturbate fully naked
if you dont like it, go to another starbucks
How do you get Trump to change a light bulb?
Tell him Obama put it in…
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
One takes photos, the other takes five toes!
What do you call a teenage boy’s bedside diary?
Sticky Notes
It’s the end of the world as we know it and he feels fine, very stable and wise
https://ift.tt/33mh9ZQ
Know why Jedi don’t get married?
Because they know divorce will be with them. Always.
This dude had beautiful long hair 5 years ago. Very funny comment but also Oof.
https://ift.tt/2ywG2Za
I recently took a pole and 100% of the people…
…were upset when their tent collapsed
My wife claims that she can wax my chest hair without me feeling any pain at all.
I’m nervous she won’t be able to pull it off.
A person asked me, “Hey, aren’t you the guy who always brags about weird stuff?”
I chuckled and shook my head, "No, I'm the guy who takes the longest baths in the city!"
