A man and his wife are in bed, the man is really horny and wants to have sex, but the woman just wants to read her book, so she refuses.
the man, frustrated, jumps out of bed and goes down to the basement, and when he returns to bed, he's holding a sheep. The man says "this is the pig i cheat on you with when you're busy" . the women looks at him and says "honey, that's a sheep in your hands". The man turns to her and says " I wasn't talking to you".
(P+L)(A+N) = PA+PN+LA+LN
Ha! I just foiled your plan!
How many bones are in a human hand?
A handful.
Two Americans are touring Europe, and are scheduled to arrive in France Sunday afternoon.
Two Americans are touring Europe, and are scheduled to arrive in France Sunday afternoon. However, they arrived several hours early, and had little to do on Sunday morning while everything was closed. "Well," one says to the other, pointing to a nearby Cathedral, "why don't we attend Mass?" "Sure," replies his friend. "But we don't know how the French pray and we can't speak French!" The first guy thinks for a minute. "I have an idea. We'll pick a guy in front of us, and whatever he does, we'll do." His friend agrees. They enter the church, sit close to the front, and choose a guy. Fifteen minutes pass, and their plan is working well. Thirty minutes, no issues. By the time forty-five minutes pass, they've gotten used to the routine. Suddenly, while everyone is seated, the priest says something in French and the gentleman they chose stands up. Without thinking, the two Americans stand up as well. The church bursts into hard laughter. Realizing that no one else is standing up, the two Americans sit down quickly, before deciding to just leave in embarrassment. They wait for the Mass to end, and then approach the priest, who happened to speak English as part of his vocation. "We're really well-meaning people- we don't speak French and just chose some guy to imitate while praying," one says. The priest chuckles. "Ah. You're probably wondering why everyone laughed at you." "Yes," replied the other American. "Well, you see, I announced the Baptism of a child… and asked for the father of the child to stand up."
My wife told me to put ketchup on the shopping list, so I did
Now she's mad at me because we can't read it anymore
Why did Costco stop selling 5 gallon jars of pickles?
shelving them was cucumbersome
I started lifting with only dictionaries
I wanted to add definition to my muscles
What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people of Dubai don't like The Flintstones ,while the people of Abu Dhabi do.
In Avatar, Aang is 112 years old
Some call him "Boomer Aang"
I wrote an apology in morse code
I call it the remorse code
I got fired today because my manager caught me masturbating with a vegetable during my break
Apparently nursing homes have “strict rules” about what you can do with the patients.
I attended a self-defence course.
At the end of it, the person that ran the course said, "Ok, buddy, so for the week you owe me…£380." "I refuse to pay," I told him. "You have to," he insisted. "Well then, you'll have to fight me for it." So we fought, and he absolutely battered me. Left me bloody, bruised and beaten. He said, "£380. Cough it up." "No," I told him, wiping my lip. "Because it was clearly a waste of money."
I logged into Facebook the other day and got a message saying “We value your privacy.”
Well I know that. How else could you sell it?
Trumpets and Guns
n a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns. One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?" "What do you mean strange?" "Because you sell only trumpets and guns!" "So?" "Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?" "It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."
I got gas today for $1.39.
Unfortunately it was at Taco Bell.
What room do ghosts avoid?
The living room
I asked my friend how much getting a vasectomy changed his sex life.
He said there was a vas deferens.
Why does the Norwegian navy have barcodes on the side of their ships?
So when they come into port, they can scan-da-navy-in
A girl told me she wanted to be “just friends”.
I said "Can we be friends with benefits?". She said "So, you just want sex?". I said "No, I want you to add me on your health insurance.".
I was at the beach and saw this guy in the water yelling, “Help, shark! Help!
I just laughed because I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.
I accodently froze myself to -273 degrees
But don't worry, I'm 0K.
Lawyer joke from my 8 year old
What do you call a crappy lawyer? An a-turd-ney
I just witnessed a guy getting shot with a paintball gun.
He dyed on impact.
Why does Donald Trump take Xanax?
Hispanic attacks
What do you get if you pour hot water down a rabbit hole?
Hot, cross bunnies.
My last relationship ended because I didn’t open the car door for her.
Instead I just swam for the surface.