A man asks his wife, “What would you do if I won the lottery?” She replied, “I’d take half then leave you.”
"Sweet!", he replied. "I won $20. Here's $10. Now bugger off."
I have a friend who is a transgender atheist.
They are a she now, but they were a heathen.
There’s an L in Noel even though there is Noel
No text found
A woman starts to scream while giving birth.
"What's wrong, honey?" her husband asks. "What's wrong?!?" the woman shouts, "THESE CONTRACTIONS ARE GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME!" "Sorry babe. What is wrong?"
♫SOAP♫SOAP♫SOAP♫SOAP♫SOAP♫SOAP♫SOAP♫SOAP♫
I just sang about eight bars.
How do you communicate with a fish?
You drop him a line.
I named my eraser Confidence.
Because it gets smaller with every mistake I make.
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you.
You have my word.
All my friends jokingly said that this girl I have a date with is imaginary.
Well, the joke is on them. Because so are they
Two kids were playing around inside and broke a window.
It was a pane to replace.
Did you hear about the drummer who gave his daughters all the same name?
Anna 1 Anna 2 Anna 3 Anna 4
What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?
Gloves. Jk, he hasn’t opened it yet.
My brother works for my band, helping me fix and replace parts of my drums.
He re-cymbals me, too.
Three men were sitting together bragging..
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties The first man had married an Indian girl, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning. He said it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were done. The second man had married a Chinese girl. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. On the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table. The third man had married an Italian girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.
During his physical examination, a doctor asked a man about his physical activity level.
He described a typical day this way: "Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank eight beers" Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man." "No," he replied, "I'm just a shit golfer.
My wife said she wants a divorce because I play too many video games.
What a stupid thing to Fallout 4
Working at the unemployment office sucks.
If you lose your job you still have to come in.
Sherlock Holmes and John Watson go on a camping trip
Sherlock Holmes and John Watson go on a camping trip. In the middle of the night, Sherlock wakes up John and says, "Watson, what do you see when you look up at the sky?" Watson looks up and says, "I see millions of stars." Sherlock says, "Well, what can you deduce from that?" After a moment's thought, Watson says, "Since there are so many stars,logically some of them must have planets orbiting them. And if some of those stars have planets, logically some must be able to support life. And if some could support life, logically some must. Therefore, I deduce that we are not alone in the universe. What do you think?" Sherlock says, "No, Watson, you idiot, it means somebody stole our tent."
I can cut a piece of wood by just looking at it
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes
An American walks into an Irish bar.
While on vacation, an American walks into an Irish pub and orders a drink. After a minute he says out loud, "I'll bet anyone in here $1,000 if they can take 10 shots of Jameson in a row, without stopping or vomiting." The bar gets quiet except for one man who gets up and walks out. The American laughs and continues to finish his drink. No more than 5 minutes pass, when the Irish man who left earlier, walks back into the pub and says, " I'd like to take ye challenge." The American laughs, buys the 10 shots for the Irish man and shows him the cash. Quickly the Irishman slams all 10 shots with ease. Astondished, but a man of his word the American gives the Irish man the $1,000 and says, "I just have one question, where the hell did you go?" The Irish man laughs and says, "Oh Aye jus went to the pub across the street to see if aye could do it."
The elevator to heaven has been broken for 8 hours.
Can God create a lift on which he can't wait?
If pronouncing b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian
Then Soviet
What do you get when you boil a funny bone?
A laughing stock
What did the cold and angry man have for dinner?
A BrrrrGrrrrr
What do cats eat for breakfast?
Mice krispies. I’ll see myself to the door now
A woman goes into a restaurant with 15 kids.
The kids start goofing around while she's talking to the waitress. The mom gets impatient and yells, "Eddy! Stop that! Or else!" All 15 boys suddenly sit down, obedient and quiet. The waitress asks, "Did you really name all 15 of your boys Eddy?" "Yup," says the woman. "Makes it easier than trying to remember who's who every damn time." "But what if you only want to talk to one of them for some reason?" the waitress asks. "Well, then I just call them by their last names."
My phone kept calling me Shirley this morning
I had forgotten to take it off of airplane mode.
People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
My wife said “you have a terrible sense of direction,”
So I packed my stuff up and right
how does Hitler tie his shoes?
little knotsies
Sir, you’ve got a very rare disease
Me: "How rare?" Doctor: "You pick the name"
