A man brings his Rottweiler into the vet. “My dog is cross-eyed is there anything you can do for him?”
“Well,” the vet says, “Let’s have a look at him.” The vet picks up the dog and looks into his eyes. After a few second the he says, “I’m afraid I’m going to have to put him down.”
The shocked owner replies, “what?! Because he’s cross-eyed?!”
“No, because he’s heavy.”
How do you get a country girl’s attention?
A tractor.
My science teachers response whenever I fill up a cup of water with no safety goggles
https://ift.tt/3b9An9b
As a person who has owned over 50 dogs in their life there are 2 thing I’ve learnt…
1.) Your time with them Is brief so treasure it. 2.) They LOVE chocolate.
My friend claims that he can print a gun using his 3D printer, but I’m not impressed.
I have had a Canon printer for years.
A guy takes up a new job.
On Monday he calls in and says, ‘I can’t come in today, I’m sick.’ He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, ‘I can’t come in today, I’m sick.’ The boss asks the foreman about him and he replies, ‘He’s great. He does the work of two men. We need him.’ So the next day the boss calls the guy into his office and says, ‘You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You’re a good worker and I’d hate to fire you. What’s the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?’ The guy replies, ‘No I don’t drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks heavily every weekend, then beats up my sister. So every Monday morning I go over to make sure she’s alright. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know I’m fucking her.’ The boss says, ‘You fuck your sister?’ The guy replies, ‘Hey, I told you I was sick.’
A woman decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday.
They arrive at the club and the doorman says, “Hey, Dave! How ya doin’?” His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before. “Oh no,” says Dave. “He’s on my bowling team.” When they are seated… A waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says… “How did she know that you drink Budweiser?” “She’s in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.” A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says:… “Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?” Dave’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else… But his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs,… Calling him every name in the book. The cabby turns his head and says, “Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.”
A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit.
It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings. "Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?" "They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money." The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?" His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers "Yes." After a few minutes the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?" She said, "Most of them become taxi drivers."
Masturbation is a touchy subject…
…whereas oral sex is a matter of taste.
I once dated a girl with a twin..
People asked me how I could tell them apart. It was simple, Jill colored her nails purple and Bob had a cock. Thanks to Anthony Jeselnik for the joke
What do you call a snake that is 3.14 meters long
A pithon Happy pi day
“Mom, I’m dating a man.”
"Whom, sweetheart?" "Mike the mailman." "Mike the mailman? But he could be your father!" "But mom, age is just a number." "Sweetheart, I don't think you understood."
Me: Hey, can you help me with a crossword clue? I’m stuck.
Her: Sure, what is it? Me: “Overworked postmen.” Her: But how many letters? Me: Too many.
I tried to re-marry my ex wife
But she figured out I was only after my money.
Me: Can you help me get over my gambling addiction?
Therapist: You bet. Me: Yes, that’s why I asked.
My parents made me go to Stockholm with them on holiday…
… I didn’t like it at first.
Mountains aren’t just funny…
They're… hill areas.
What do you call a chubby psychic?
A four chin teller
A mobile phone is like a penis.
Fun to play with in private, but should never be pulled out at the dinner table.
RIP to longtime ‘the Price is Right’ host Bob Barker
He’s still alive, but he’s 95 years old, and I want my guess to be closest without going over.
People were dying…
…to meet the new mortician…
Recently started dating a chinese girl but not sure if I want to keep going.
She’s been raising a lot of red flags.
Since it started snowing, all my grandma has done is stare through the window.
If it gets any worse ill need to let her back in.
My deaf girlfriend just told me, “We need to talk.”
That is not a good sign.
Soooo my 4 year old nephew just told me this. He’s a little nerd but it made me chuckle. Knock knock…
Who's there? Cows go. Cows go who? No idiot… Cows go moo!
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide
What is the german word for constipation?
Fahrfrompoopin
What two things can you never eat for Breakfast?
Lunch and Dinner (not an original, but I thought it was funny :p)