A man dies and goes to hell.
The devil says he must choose a room in hell to spend the rest of eternity in. He walks into the first room and sees a bunch of people doing headstands on a wood floor.
He thinks "No way. I can't do that for eternity"
He walks into the second room and sees a bunch of people doing headstands on a metal floor.
He thinks "I definitely can't do that for eternity"
He walks into a third room where theres a bunch of people standing in 4 feet of shit and drinking coffee.
He says to himself "…well I guess I could get used to the smell."
After 10 minutes in the room, the devil comes in and says "Alright, coffee break's over. Back to headstands."
What do dentists call their x-rays?
Tooth pics.
‘At a restaurant with food still on my plate’ Server: “You wanna box for that?”
Me: 'It's not worth fighting over'
I won my first cage fight last night…
Parrot didn't know what hit it.
Handjobs [nsfw]
A man stands in front of a food truck and reads the menu: "Cheeseburgers: $5 Fries: $3 Handjobs: $10." He walks up to the window and asks the beautiful blonde working behind the counter, "Are you the one that gives the handjobs?" "Yes, I am," she replies seductively. "Well, wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."
I tried to eat a clock the other day.
It was really time consuming
“Dad. Are we pyromaniacs?”
"Yes, we arson."
My girlfriend and I began having sex at 1:58AM this morning and didn’t stop until 3:01AM.
Thanks daylight savings!
I’m reading a horror novel in Braille
Something bad is going to happen, I can feel it.
Son, have a vodka with me!
No, thanks, dad. Come, have a drink with your father! Dad, I'm 5. – Dad is shitfaced but he insists: Ok, just one shot. The kid drinks it and start crying: Ewwwww, it's disgustiiiiiiing! Ha! You see?! And your mother thinks I'm sitting here having fun! (Russian joke)
[NSFW] Wonder Woman is laying naked, face down, on a rooftop…
…when Superman flies by and sees her. Her naked body has him feeling all types of ways, so he starts to think, "You know, I'm faster than a speeding bullet. I could be in and out of there before she even realizes what happened." So, Superman flies in, does his business and takes off. Wonder Woman says, "What was that?" The Invisible Man responds, "I don't know, but my fucking ass is killing me."
What do you call Bigfoot in Europe?
Big Meter.
Why do potatoes make great crime fighters?
Because they always keep their eyes peeled.
If I got a nickel for every time I had sex
My pimp would beat my ass
Why can you never trust trees?
Because they seem shady.
What do you call a timely dinosaur?
A prontosaurus
What is it called when your parachute doesn’t open?
Jumping to a conclusion.
Did you hear the rumor about butter?
Well I’m not gonna spread it!
There was a girl
There was a girl who went to sunday school and always fell asleep. One day the teacher asked and pointed at the sleeping girl, "Who made the world?" The boy behind her poked her with a pencil. She woke up and yelled GOD! "Thats correct!" The teacher said. The girl fell asleep again. The teacher asked, "Who died on the cross?" The boy poked the girl again and she yelled JESUS! "Thats correct!!" The teacher said again. The girl fell asleep again. After a while, the teacher asked, "What did Eve say to Adam when they had their 99th child?" The boy poked the girl again. The girl stood up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF!!!!"
Yesterday I asked a girl out, but she told me she had a boyfriend
I responded with "I have a math test tommorow" She looked a bit confused so I said "I thought we were listing things we could cheat on."
I began reading a horror novel in braille.
Something bad is about to happen; I can feel it.
Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears…
11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
A blonde rings up an airline and asks: “How long are your flights from America to England?”
The woman on the other end of the phone replies: "Just a minute". The blonde thanks her and hangs up the phone.
My friend with the lazy eye just lost his job as a teacher.
He had a real hard time controlling his pupils.
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in…
It’s currently half empty…
What did the black pepper say to his wife after coming out of the grinder?
"Don't worry. I'm fine."
Every morning I get hit by the same bike
It's a vicious cycle…
Just so everybody’s clear,
I'm going to put my glasses on.
Two Boys One Tampon
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter. The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?' 'Eight', the boy replied. The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?' The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four." "Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin. "Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those."
I went into a restaurant the other day
I said to the waitress, "Can I see the menu please?" She said,"the men I please has nothing to do with you".
Postal service jokes don’t need much setup
It's all in the delivery
Why did the pencil get flushed down the toilet?
It was a #2!
We should have known communism wouldn’t work
There were so many red flags.
What’s Gordon Ramsay’s favourite Disney movie?
It’s fucking Frozen
What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don't know and I don't care
My car horn wasn’t working, so I took it to a Boy Scout.
He fixed it and said, “Beep repaired”
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
It's fine, he woke up.
“Dad, I heard that the only way you guys could communicate with each other when you were young was landlines and snail mail.”
Dad: No, you better get your fax straight.