A man dies and goes to hell. Once there, he finds that there is a different hell for each country, so he tries to seek out the least painful one.
At the door to German Hell, he is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."
He does not like the sound of that, so he checks out American Hell, Russian Hell and many more. They are all similarly gruesome. However, at Nigerian Hell a long line of people is waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?"
He is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Nigerian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."
"But that's the same as the others," says the man. "Why are so many people waiting to get in?"
"Because of the power cuts, the electric chair does not work. The nails were paid for but never supplied, so the bed is comfortable. And the Nigerian devil used to be a civil servant, so he comes in, signs his time sheet and goes back home for private business."
People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Madrid.
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
The surgeon tells a patient who needs a heart transplant, “You are in luck, we have two matching donors. A twenty year old athlete and an 80 year old lawyer, which heart do you want?”
The patient answers, "Give me the lawyer's heart, that one hasn't been used yet."
My buddy recently cloned himself and had sex with his clone.
Many people were disgusted, but it's none of my business so I told him: "You do you."
What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta
Scientists got bored of watching the earth turn so after 24 hours
they called it a day
Her: Did you and your buddies experiment with sex and drugs when you were in school?
Me: Yes, but I was in the control group.
Stalin asked Hitler if he wants to hear a joke.
Hitler says "Yes." Stalin then says "Moscow." Hitler replies with "I don't get it?" Stalin laughs and says "And you never will."
A little boy sees his grandpa smoking weed.
He says, "Gramps, can I have a puff?" Grandpa replies, "Can your dick touch your asshole?" "No…" "Well, you can't have any." Later, the little boy sees his Grandpa drinking beer and asks, "Can I have a swig?" Grandpa replies again, "Can your dick touch your asshole?" "No…" "Well, you can't have any." The goes into the kitchen and is eating cookies when his Grandpa walks in. "Can I have a cookie?", asks Grandpa. "Can your dick touch your asshole?" Grandpa says, "As a matter of fact, it can!" The little boy replies, "Well then you can go fuck yourself. These are MY cookies."
I asked my atheist friend how he celebrates Christmas without believing in Jesus
He asked me how I celebrate Valentine's day when no on likes me
People never believe me when I tell them that I got my incredibly detailed tattoo in Spain.
Nobody expects the spanish ink precision
I like using zoom for immunology, because I can make things like this during class.
https://ift.tt/2SjV8b3
My wife found out I was cheating on her, after she found all the letters I was hiding.
She got so mad she said she was never going to play Scrabble with me again!
I just got banned from /r/fashion
Apparently they didn't like my threads
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a odd-job man and started with a wealthy neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
I dont believe in hitting my children as punishment
So i send them to school wearing crocs and anime shirts and let other kids beat them instead
Figured out I was adopted the other day. Decided to confront my dad about it.
I told him "Dad, I found the paperwork. I know" Dad said "What paperwork? What did you find?" "I'm adopted" He replied "Hi adopted! I'm- oh, wait. Nevermind."
I told my therapist that i am having suicidal thoughts
He now makes me pay in advance
A man wakes up after a heavy night of drinking to his wife happily cooking breakfast.
Confused, he approaches his daughter for an explanation of last night when he arrived home. "You kicked in the door when you couldn't get your key in the lock, fell through the table and broke it, and pissed your pants." "Jesus! So then why the hell is she in such a good mood?" "When she tried to take your pants off to wash them, you slapped her hand away and said, 'Get your hands off me! I'm married!'"
I quit my job as a postman on my first day, right after they handed me my first letter to deliver…
I looked at it and said, “This isn’t for me.”
Not mine but I can’t find the original creator, if you find them pls contact me
https://ift.tt/2whrgE2
College Classes
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A smart-*** student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'
How does a farmer count his cows?
He uses a COWculater.
I had a pet newt once, I called him Tiny
Because he was my newt
A truck loaded with Worcestershire sauce is driving through Saskatoon, Saskatchewan when it collides with a Nissan Qashqai.
The truck then careens down the road and hits a car from Massachusetts, injuring the two otorhinolaryngologists inside. A bystander quickly calls to report the accident on his Huawei. The emergency operator asks the bystander, "What happened?" "It's hard to say." . . Co-written by M0ng078
Working at the unemployment office sucks.
If you lose your job you still have to come in.
It is actually difficult to figure it out nowadays
It is actually difficult to figure it out nowadays
A woman in labor suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”
“Don’t worry,” said the doc. “Those are just contractions.”
A politicians promise
A politician visited a village and asked what their needs were. ”We have 2 basic needs sir,” replied the villager. “Firstly, we have a hospital, but there’s no doctor.” On hearing this, politician whipped out his cellphone, and after speaking for a while he reassured the village leader that the doctor would be there the next day. He then asked about the second problem. “Secondly sir, there is no cellphone coverage anywhere in this village.”
I’m going to join the Navy purely out of spite
I’m longing to become a Petty Officer.