A man dies, and wakes up on a beach…
There are girls playing beach volleyball, barbeques everywhere, laughter and joy. All of a sudden, Satan comes up to him.
"Welcome to hell. Enjoy yourself, have a drink, have a hamburger and check out the area. If you need anything or have a question, feel free to ask me." he says. The guy walks along the beach, has a few drinks with a nice girl. He walks over a hill, when he sees a hole in the ground, full with tormented people, flames rising up from the hole. The guy runs towards the beach until he finds Satan.
"Hey, I found this hole and all these people are being tormented… What's that about?"
"Oh," Satan says, "that´s for the Christians, they want it that way."
The Cringe is strong here “Hey everyone! I’m a programmer and this is a programmer shirt!”
https://ift.tt/36At2xd
Two Arab guys move to the US, and they have a friendly bet as to who would become more “Americanized” in a year.
After a year, the first guy: I just dropped off my kids at baseball practice, and I’m taking him to McDonalds later. The second guy: Fuck off, towelhead!
I Broke My Finger Last Week…
On the other hand, I’m okay.
Television for sale
On my way to work I saw an advert in a shop window that said: “Television for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” – I thought to myself, ‘I can’t turn that down.'
I said to my wife “When I die,” I’d like to die having sex”
She replied "At least we know it'll be quick"
Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7 8…
A man and his wife are sound asleep in bed when the phone rings. The man picks up, listens for a second and says, “How the fuck would I know, you idiot? I’m not a weatherman,” before slamming down the receiver.
“Who was that?” asks his wife. “Wrong number. It was some bastard asking if the coast was clear.”
My pet parrot, Nickel, just passed away.
Now I have a nickel-less cage.
A plateau is the highest form of flattery
No text found
Where is truth produced?
In the fact-ory.
conjuctivitis.com
now that's a site for sore eyes
If they call sex with three people a threesome and sex with four people a foursome…
then I see why they call you handsome!
I have a few jokes on unemployed people
But none of them work.
I’m bad at two things: telling jokes, and not getting angry while waiting in queue at orgies…
But I keep punching up the fuck line.
Two Dragons walk into a bar
Dragon 1: It's hot in here Dragon 2: Shut your mouth
Is it acceptable to take the epidermis from your butt and graft it onto a buddy?
Ass skin for a friend.
Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other:
"Do you know how to drive this thing?"
I think Tumblr banning porn has already backfired
Now more of their users are getting off than ever.
Did you know that a group of crows is called a murder?
Well, technically it’s only a murder if there’s probable caws.
The Mexicans are upset about Trump’s wall.
But they’ll get over it
I was complaining to my wife about our nonexistent sex life.
Zero fucks were given.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
I once fell in love with a girl who only knew 4 vowels…
She didn’t even know I existed…
*at the eye doctor*
Doctor: You have a blind spot. Me: I need a second opinion, because I just don’t see it.
What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are $1.98, deer nuts are under a buck.
My friend claims he can build a gun using his new 3D printer, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
I saw a man walking down the road with a woman on his back
I said "where are you going?" He replied "Fancy dress party" "What as?" I asked "Tortoise" the man shouted back "Who's she?" I questioned To which he responded "That's Michelle"
Australians dont reproduce
They mate
After the Flood, Noah commanded the animals…
"Go forth! Be fruitful! Multiply!" And so, the animals did go forth from Mt. Ararat, and behold they were fruitful and did multiply as Noah had commanded. But Noah saw that two snakes had remained with the ark. "Serpents! Why has thou not done as I have commanded, and gone forth to multiply?" "Behold, we are Adders and so cannot multiply," the snakes mournfully replied. And so Noah bade his sons to hew great trees from the mountain, and from the raw trees to construct a mighty platform, 70 cubits long and 40 cubits wide and 20 cubits tall. And when the construction was finished Noah stood upon it and proclaimed to the snakes. "Adders, behold! A table of logs, with which you may multiply by adding."
NSFW Back in the 1990’s, a baby boy was born without eyelids.
His parents go to a plastic surgeon and the surgeon finds out the boy hasn’t been circumcised yet. The foreskin has nearly the same tissue as the eyelids, so the surgeon suggests a procedure using the baby’s foreskin to fix this problem. Ecstatic, the parents agree. After a few hours of surgery, it was a success! The boy is fine now, he’s just a little cock-eyed.
Wife: “I have blisters on my hands from the broom”.
Husband: "Take the car next time, silly!"
Cop on Horse
Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?" "Yes," replies the little girl. "Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5. The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?" The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!" "Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it!"
Went to a sperm clinic earlier. That lady asked if i would like to masturbate in a cup?
I said, “I’m good but im not ready to compete in a tournament yet.
I decided to kill off a few characters in the book im writing.
It's really gonna spice up the autobiography.