A man dies, and wakes up on a beach…
There are girls playing beach volleyball, barbeques everywhere, laughter and joy. All of a sudden, Satan comes up to him.
"Welcome to hell. Enjoy yourself, have a drink, have a hamburger and check out the area. If you need anything or have a question, feel free to ask me." he says. The guy walks along the beach, has a few drinks with a nice girl. He walks over a hill, when he sees a hole in the ground, full with tormented people, flames rising up from the hole. The guy runs towards the beach until he finds Satan.
"Hey, I found this hole and all these people are being tormented… What's that about?"
"Oh," Satan says, "that´s for the Christians, they want it that way."
Two Arab guys move to the US, and they have a friendly bet as to who would become more “Americanized” in a year.
After a year, the first guy: I just dropped off my kids at baseball practice, and I’m taking him to McDonalds later. The second guy: Fuck off, towelhead!
On the other hand, I’m okay.
On my way to work I saw an advert in a shop window that said: “Television for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” – I thought to myself, ‘I can’t turn that down.'
She replied "At least we know it'll be quick"
Because 6, 7 8…
A man and his wife are sound asleep in bed when the phone rings. The man picks up, listens for a second and says, “How the fuck would I know, you idiot? I’m not a weatherman,” before slamming down the receiver.
“Who was that?” asks his wife. “Wrong number. It was some bastard asking if the coast was clear.”
Now I have a nickel-less cage.
No text found
In the fact-ory.
now that's a site for sore eyes
then I see why they call you handsome!
But none of them work.
But I keep punching up the fuck line.
Dragon 1: It's hot in here Dragon 2: Shut your mouth
Ass skin for a friend.
"Do you know how to drive this thing?"
Now more of their users are getting off than ever.
Well, technically it’s only a murder if there’s probable caws.
But they’ll get over it
Zero fucks were given.
She didn’t even know I existed…
Doctor: You have a blind spot. Me: I need a second opinion, because I just don’t see it.
Beer nuts are $1.98, deer nuts are under a buck.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
I said "where are you going?" He replied "Fancy dress party" "What as?" I asked "Tortoise" the man shouted back "Who's she?" I questioned To which he responded "That's Michelle"
"Go forth! Be fruitful! Multiply!" And so, the animals did go forth from Mt. Ararat, and behold they were fruitful and did multiply as Noah had commanded. But Noah saw that two snakes had remained with the ark. "Serpents! Why has thou not done as I have commanded, and gone forth to multiply?" "Behold, we are Adders and so cannot multiply," the snakes mournfully replied. And so Noah bade his sons to hew great trees from the mountain, and from the raw trees to construct a mighty platform, 70 cubits long and 40 cubits wide and 20 cubits tall. And when the construction was finished Noah stood upon it and proclaimed to the snakes. "Adders, behold! A table of logs, with which you may multiply by adding."
His parents go to a plastic surgeon and the surgeon finds out the boy hasn’t been circumcised yet. The foreskin has nearly the same tissue as the eyelids, so the surgeon suggests a procedure using the baby’s foreskin to fix this problem. Ecstatic, the parents agree. After a few hours of surgery, it was a success! The boy is fine now, he’s just a little cock-eyed.
Husband: "Take the car next time, silly!"
Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?" "Yes," replies the little girl. "Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5. The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?" The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!" "Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it!"
I said, “I’m good but im not ready to compete in a tournament yet.
It's really gonna spice up the autobiography.