A man enters a pun contest
He sent in ten puns, hoping at least one would win, but sadly, no pun in ten did.
I’m developing a phobia for German sausages.
I fear the wurst.
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “What happened before The Big Bang?”
He said, “Sorry. No time.”
I went into a book store today and asked if they had any books about turtles.
The cashier said : “hardback?” I said: “yeah and little heads”
Remember, you’re somebody’s reason to smile.
Because you're a fucking joke.
How do you make a water bed more bouncy?
Fill it with spring water.
Saw an ad for a DeLorean with low milage…
…said it was only used from time to time.
Was going to make a joke about childbirth…
But it's hard to deliver
How do you follow Will Smith in the snow?
You look for the fresh prints.
they say a watermelon is 99% water
but it's literally 50%
There was a church that had a bell that no one could ring.
One day, a boy came and asked the priest if he could try. He went up into the tower and ran straight into the bell face-first. The bell tolled loud and clear. The priest gave him the job. One Sunday, the boy ran straight toward the bell with his face and missed, so he fell off the tower and died. "Congregation," the priest said before the assembled masses. "Does anybody know this boy's name? I don't know him, but his face rings a bell."
URGENT!!!! Anybody knows how to put the ring back on a grenade?!
I need an answer like RIGHT NOW!!!
I never wanted to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker
But when I got home all the signs were there.
Heres one from my chemistry teacher
From my chemistry teacher; Frank Jr. "Yeah I have the same name as my dad. You want to know his best dad joke? Every time he calls me on the cellphone, he starts the conversation with "listen, I'm gonna be frank with you"
If you’re ever choking on an ice cube
https://ift.tt/2LvRzu3
How did Pinocchio find out he was a wooden boy?
His hand caught fire
Two mathematicians were having dinner in a restaurant, …
… arguing about the average mathematical knowledge of the American public. One mathematician claimed that this average was woefully inadequate, the other maintained that it was surprisingly high. "I'll tell you what," said the cynic, "ask that waitress a simple math question. If she gets it right, I'll pick up dinner. If not, you do." He then excused himself to visit the men's room, and the other called the waitress over. "When my friend comes back," he told her, "I'm going to ask you a question, and I want you to respond 'one third x cubed.' There's twenty bucks in it for you." She agreed. The cynic returned from the bathroom and called the waitress over. "The food was wonderful, thank you," the mathematician started. "Incidentally, do you know what the integral of x squared is?" The waitress looked pensive; almost pained. She looked around the room, at her feet, made gurgling noises, and finally said, "Um, one third x cubed?" So the cynic paid the check. The waitress wheeled around, walked a few paces away, looked back at the two men, and muttered under her breath, "…plus a constant."
A friend asked me if I knew anything about 1’s and 0’s
I told him I knew a bit
Anti-vaxxers are the biggest hypocrites. How?
They've been vaccinated. We know this because: •They're over three years old •They're retarded.
A man runs out of petrol
A MAN was driving down the road and ran out of petrol. At that moment, a bee flew in his window. "What seems to be the problem?'' asked the bee. "I'm out of petrol,'' the man replied. The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his petrol tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out. `"Try it now,'' said the bee. The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. "Wow,'' the man exclaimed. "What did you put in my petrol tank?'' "BP,'' answered the bee.
Someone called me racist for saying “black paint.”
Apparently the politically correct term is "Tyrone, please paint the fence."
Why was Pavlov’s beard so soft?
Because he conditioned it.
Why did the biology teacher break up with the physics teacher?
They had no chemistry 🥺
Thank you student loans for getting me through college.
I don't think I'll ever be able to repay you
Why don’t female roommates share a bra?
Because then it'll become a cobra.
Long. A little white rabbit is being chased through the forest by a bear.
As they are running, they both trip over a magic lamp. The genie pops out and looks at the two. “Since you both touched the lamp, you will both get 3 wishes,” says the genie. The bear starts jumping up and down waving its paws and says “Oh, oh, oh, me first! I wish all the bears in this forest except for me were female!” The genie snaps his fingers and all the bears in the forest except for this bear are females. The rabbit says, “I’ll take a scooter, please.” The genie snaps his fingers and poof a little white scooter just the right size for the rabbit appears. The bear says, “Oh, oh, oh! If you can make all the bears in this forest female, then I want all the bears in this country but me to be female!” The genie snaps his fingers and all of the bears in that country except for this bear are females. The rabbit says, “I’ll take a helmet.” The genie snaps his fingers and a little white helmet with ear holes appears on the seat of the scooter. The bear is really excited now. He leaps up and down and yells, “If you can make all the bears in this country female, then I wish all the bears in the world were female except me!!” The genie snaps his fingers and all the bears in the entire world except for this bear are female. The rabbit puts on his helmet and hops on the scooter. He looks at the genie, then at the bear, then back to the genie. He says, “I wish the bear was gay,” and drives off.
Why do riot police arrive early to the protests?
… so they can beat the crowds!
I once accidentally mixed up the words “Jacuzzi” and “Yakuza”.
I am now in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Why did the nonbinary prospector move West in 1849?
Because there was gold in them/their hills.
God made a pie and called it Earth.
He needed to cool the crust, so he put it on the mantle.
drug-sniffing dog
Me: "Sweet dog you got there" Policeman: "Yes, this is our new drug-sniffing dog." Me: "Still in training, huh?" Policeman: "What do you mean?" Me: "Nevermind"
I told my plumber I was appalled to find my shower would only work for my Caucasian friends.
He replied, "Well, yeah. 'Spigoted."
My wife screamed in pain during labour
I asked, “What’s wrong?”. She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!” “I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
