A man enters a sexy lingerie store to purchase a transparent negligee for his wife.
The salesgirl shows him several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price — the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him. Upstairs the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself."
She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!"
My six year old nephew just told me this joke… Why does a a duck have feathers?
To cover its butt quack.
Why did the first people to fly a plane succeed?
They were Wright
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet ?
Because they lactose
I bought some toothpaste.
It's not your typical food sauce
TIL: If your boat turns upside down in the river, you can wear it on your head.
Because it is capsized.
What has two butts and kills people
An assassin
Whatโs the longest word in the dictionary?
Smiles. Because thereโs a mile between the two Sโs.
How do you say ‘what’s up dawg ‘ in Japanese
Konichihuahua
A straight tree and a gay tree lived next to each other for 60 years
The straight tree was always making fun of the gay tree. One evening a storm comes along and lightning hits the straight tree and it shatters into hundreds of pieces. The gay tree bust out laughing and says "look who's a faggot now"
What do you get when a cow jumps over a barbed wire fence?
An udder disaster
A teenage girl was getting frisky with her boyfriend…
At her parent's house. Her father, after being woken by the noises, goes upstairs to check it out; and walks in on them. "Dad!" she exclaimed in a panic "…I'm sorry" The dad being, a dad, replies "hi sorry, I'm Dad!" He then turns to the boyfriend and asks "Are you *fucking* sorry?"
Is this sub still active?
There haven't been any posts all year! australia squad
After watching me read โWar and Peaceโ, my son asked me, โDad, why is the book so thick?โ
Me: Well, itโs ……a long story.
A woman goes to buy a parrot, the prices are $200, $100 and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheep.
"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15. When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs. When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too. When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"
Today I actually saw a dwarf prisoner climb down a wall.
I thought to myself, now thats a little condescending.
Guy walks into a bar with his dog and the bartender says โIโm sorry sir, we donโt allow dogs in here.โ Guy says โThis is no ordinary dog. This dog can speak.โ
Bartender says โSure… If you say so. Now please leave.โ Guy says, โNo really I can prove it.โ *turns to dog * โDog, what is on top this building?โ Dog goes โRoof.โ Bartender says โVery clever. Now Iโll ask you again: will you please leave?โ Guy goes โNo no seriously! Listen to this: Dog, what is the texture of sandpaper?โ Dog goes โRuff.โ Bartender says โThis is the last time Iโm going to tell you!โ Guy says โWait wait please. Dog who is the greatest baseball player of all time?โ Dog replies โRuthโ Bartender: โGet out! Iโm calling the authorities!โ Guy and dog leave. Outside dog turns to guy and says โJeez. Maybe I should have said Barry Bonds.โ
Where do boats go when they feel sick?
To the dock.
Today in sex ed our teacher asked whatโs the difference between a male reproductive system and the female reproductive system.
Apparently thereโs a vas deferens
Hillary Clinton says โmany, many, many peopleโ are urging her to run for president in 2020.
And most of them are Republicans.
I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me and then I didnโt show.
I hope she gets the message that weโre not working out.
Her: Atleast invite me out to dinner.
Him: I donโt go out with married women, sorry. Her: But I am your wife? Him: I make no exceptions.
Think you’re having a bad day? At least you’re not this guy texting his boss…
https://ift.tt/2wG4vKf
Coding in binary takes a lot of effort.
You have to do it bit by bit.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
One day I would love to have sex in Space.
Or on Earth.
After graduating from high school, my daughter moved away from home to study at university. She sent this letter home to meโฆ
Dear dad, University i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply ยขan't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, your $usie. I immediately replied backโฆ Dear Susie, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh. Love, dad
Why do pirates love reddit?
It be the best place to exchange stolen content for gold.
A young woman goes to her doctor… (NSFW)
A young woman goes to her doctor about two small rashes on her thighs. The doctor tests her for allergies, and then asks โMaโam, are you a lesbian?โ The woman stares for a second, then says โYes, I am. Why?โ โThereโs the problem.โ the doctor said โTell your girlfriend to stop wearing cheap earrings.โ
In college, all the fraternities rejected me because I was circumcised.
Apparently you need to be a complete dick.