A man goes on a business trip to Japan
In Japan, he picks up a hooker and they go all night long. The entire time they were making love she was excitedly shouting:
Hasimota! Hasimota!
Since the man obviously didn't know a word of Japanese, he concluded it was some sort of an excitement noise. The next morning he meets with a few japanese businessmen on a golf course. One of the businessmen makes a shot and, surprisingly, scores a hole in one. Everyone applauds and the foreign man, wanting to sound clever, shouts:
Hasimota!
The man who scored the shot turns to him and asks in confusion: "What do you mean 'Wrong hole!'?"
My wife just yelled at me, “You haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said”
I thought that was a pretty odd way to start a conversation
When dad died he left me his Subaru.
It was his final Legacy.
A Mexican magician said,
“I will disappear on the count of three! Uno…dos…” And he disappeared without a tres.
Out of all the inventions in the last 100 years
The dry erase board is probably the most remarkable
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.
Do you know what is the worst part about being an egg?
You get laid only once
What’s the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang a picture
I once met a crazed man muttering incoherently about ancient Mesopotamia, but I had to stop him, because…
I didn’t want him to Babylon…
“Sometime it takes all the ugliness inside to look beautiful outside” – r/im14andthisisdeep
https://ift.tt/359eO6e
I wanted to write a movie script about a retired CIA agent who has to rely on his old skills to save his kidnapped daughter, but that idea was taken.
So I thought instead I'd write a script about a retired CIA operative who is taken hostage along with his wife in Instanbul, but that idea was taken, too.
Which vegetable likes to line up the most?
A queuecumber
What do you call a deaf man…
Whatever you want, he can’t hear you.
I got a bar installed into my roof
Just so whenever I have guests I can say “drinks are on the house.”
What’s the biggest moth in the world?
A mammoth.
Not typical young people or wife bashing, but i felt like this was a pretty boomer joke
https://ift.tt/2ZPoEb4
I don’t believe in bros before hoes or hoes before bros. There just needs to be balance.
I call it a homie-hoe-stasis.
Why is 6 afraid of 7? (the answer is not what you’re thinking)
Not what you're thinking
4 nuns arrive at the Pearly Gates of Heaven.
St. Peter is there to meet them with a bowl of Holy Water. St. Peter goes up to the first nun and says, "Have you ever touched a penis?" The first nun responds, "Yes I have. I have touched a penis with the tip of my finger." St. Peter holds out the bowl and says, "Dip your finger in this Holy Water, and be free to enter the Kingdom of Heaven." The first nun gladly follows the instruction and proceeds to enter Heaven. St. Peter goes to the second nun and again asks, "Have you ever touched a penis?" The second nun replies hesitantly, "Yes. I have touched a penis with my whole hand." St. Peter smiles and says, "Do not despair, simply dip your whole hand into the Holy Water and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." The second nun quickly does as she is told and gladly steps forth into Heaven. At this point the fourth nun cuts in front of the third nun and says, "Listen, I better go next because I'm not gurgling that shit after she sticks her ass in it."
I hate how politically correct the world is these days, you can’t even say black paint
You have to say Leroy, please paint that wall
What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?
A synonym roll…
Guy runs into a bar, yells “Quick! How tall is a penguin?”
Bartender says "Three feet tall." Guy says "Oh my God! I just ran over a nun!"
What’s the difference between a police officer and a bullet?
When a bullet kills someone else, you know it’s been fired
If you are on a blind date, try opening with a joke you found here on this sub.
That way you can make sure it’s not some weirdo who is on Reddit.
My friend told me to stop acting like a flamingo
So I put my foot down
A man walks into a bar with a big smile on his face
The bartender says “why are you so happy?” The man replies “well, after work I was walking home and saw this woman tied to a train track. It was just like something out of a movie! So I untied her and took her home. And then we had the best sex of my life, all over the house in every position you could imagine! It was unbelievable!” The bartender is impressed “sounds great! Was she hot?” “Not sure”, said the man, “I never found the head.”
Ever wondered what to say to your sister when she’s crying ?
“Are you having a crisis ?”