A man goes on a business trip
Eager to keep his wife out of trouble while he was away on a long business trip, a businessman went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. After browsing through the dildos for something special, he decided to ask the old guy behind the counter.
The old man said "We have vibrating dildo, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except…." and he stoped.
"Except what?" The man asked.
"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"
"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick'." The old man reached under the counter, pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbles, and opened it. There lay a very ordinary looking dildo.
The buissness man laughed, and commented that it looked like every other dildo in this shop.
"But you haven't seen what it'll do," said the proprietor. H pointed to a door and said, "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook, and started split down the middle, at which point the old man commanded, "Voodoo dick, back to your box!"
The voodoo dick stoped, floted back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.
"I'll take it!" Said the business man.
The old man said it was not for sale, but finally suurendred ut for 700 dollers in cash. Plesed as punch, the business man gave his wife the gift, explaned that all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy" if she got lonely, and set off on his business trip.
After a few days, the wife got unbereably horny. Feeling a little foolish, she opened the box and said tentatilvely, "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot out of the box, made a beeline for her croch, and started pumping away. It was fabulous, like nothing she'd ever experienced before, and she lay back and enjoyed the rush of pleasure. After 3 orgasms, she decided she had enough and reached to pull out the dildo. It wouldn't budge. Nothing worked. The voodoo dick was stuck, trusting away. Her husband forgot to tell her how to turn it off. Desprate, she pulled on a skirt, got in the car, and headed for the hospital, nearly fainting with exitement and exhaustion. On the way, another orgasom nearly made her swerve of the road., and to her horror a squad car pulled her over. First the policeman asked for her license. Then, observing her disheveled state, he asked how much she'd had to drink.
Twiching and sweting, she gasped, "I haven't been drinking, officer. A voodoo dildo is stuck in my pussy, and it won't stop screwing!"
"Sure, lady," said the officer after another long look at her. "Voodoo dick, my ass!"
Because they have a supreme ruler.
Because nothing gets under their skin.
My wife was just swapping out objects on the mantle, and my son asked why she was putting bamboo up there.
I told him she was decorating for Halloween, and they both just gave me a flat look. Then with a grin on my face I simply said bamBOO!! Much to my wife’s dismay my 6 year old has been repeating it for the last 20 minutes.
Wife: (sobbing) You can't do this to me! Husband: I know that's why I am doing it with her!
He didn't make the cut.
Click here to find out!
But my parents already made one.
I can’t believe that even after 15 years of the show ending, people are still making “Friends” references.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
He didn't believe me one bit. So we went to the guy's house and when the door opened, it was his mother. We asked if I could show my friend your golden toilet because he doesn't believe it. She looked at me for a while, then shouted back into the house, "Rick, the guy who shit in your trumpet is here!"
Gloves. Jk, he hasn’t opened it yet.
Its just something I could see myself doing
I told her I don’t know anyone named Morrow.
He can now ride a bike without training wheels.
That’s it… that’s the whole fucking joke.
They come with that Elon Musk.
He replied, "Well, yeah. 'Spigoted."
A time traveler walks into a bar.
…I can never tell if they’re joking or not.
I said fine! slam the door on my cock on the way out
It gave me thesaurus throat I ever had!
Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out you were adopted.
Sheepdog: Hey, I rounded them up!
For Hispanic Attacks
Well, the answer's pretty clear…
A Jewish man and a Chinese man are in a bar. Suddenly, the Jewish man punches the Chinese man in the face. "Ow! Why did you do that?" asks he Chinese man. "That's for Pearl Harbor," says the Jewish man. "But the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor. I'm Chinese!" says the Chinese man. "Chinese, Japanese, what's the difference?" asks the Jewish man. So the Chinese man punches the Jewish man. "Ow! What's that for?" asks the Jewish man. "It's for the Titanic," says the Chinese man. "What? That was an iceberg that brought down the Titanic!" says the Jewish man. "Iceberg, Goldberg, what's the difference?"