A man goes to the doctor and says, “I’ve got a tapeworm.”
"I've been to so many specialists and no one can seem to get rid of it."
The doctor thinks for a few moments and says, "OK, come back next week with a banana and a cookie."
The man is confused but, having been failed by every conventional treatment, goes home and returns a week later with a banana and a cookie.
"Drop your pants and bend over the table," says the doctor.
"What the hell are you doing?" the man asks.
"Trust me," says the doctor.
The man, a little distressed, does as he's asked.
The doctor shoves the banana up his ass and then a couple of minutes later shoves the cookie up as well.
"Come back in a week with another banana and cookie."
The man is unsure about the treatment but, again, has tried everything else and wants to get rid of this tapeworm.
The next week he returns with another banana and cookie.
"Drop your pants and bend over the table," says the doctor.
After 3 weeks of this the doctor says, "OK, next week will be your final treatment. Bring me a banana and a hammer."
The man comes back with the requested items.
"Drop your pants and bend over the table."
Trembling, knowing what's coming, the man does as he's asked.
The doctor shoves the banana up his ass and waits… and waits… and waits…
Eventually, the tapeworm sticks its head out and yells, "Where's my cookie?"
And the doctor smashes it with the hammer.
Why is your nose in the middle of your face
Because its the scenter
How come teddy bears don’t eat anything?
Because they are always stuffed!
I went to the library looking for a book about Pavlov’s dog and Schrödinger’s cat
The librarian said it rang a bell but she wasn’t sure if it was there or not.
My dad died when we couldn’t remember his blood type…
As he died, he kept insisting “BE POSITIVE,” but it’s really hard without him.
I don’t get all the excitement surrounding Nintendo’s new product announcement…
My house is full of light switches!
Did you hear about the band 1023 MB?
They’re good, but they haven’t got a gig yet.
Dr. Geezer
An old geezer got bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic. He put up a sign that said “Dr. Geezer’s clinic: Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1000.” Dr. Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn’t know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to win $1000. He went to Dr. Geezer’s clinic and says, “Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?” Dr. Geezer calls out, “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young’s mouth.” Dr. Young yells, “Aaagh! This is gasoline!” Dr. Geezer replies, “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back, that will be $500.” Dr. Young gets annoyed and returns a couple of days later with another plan to recover his money. He enters the clinic and says, “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.” Dr. Geezer calls out, “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young’s mouth.” Dr. Young yells, “Oh no you don’t, that’s gasoline!” Dr. Geezer replies, “Congratulations, you’ve got your memory back, that will be $500.” Dr. Young, angry after losing $1000, comes back after several more days. He enters the clinic and says, “My eyesight has become weak, I cannot see anything!” Dr. Geezer replies, “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that, so here’s your $1000 back,” and hands Dr. Young a $10 bill. Dr. Young quickly yells, “Hey, this is only $10!” Dr. Geezer replies, “Congratulations, you’ve got your vision back, that will be $500.”
I told my teenage niece to go get me a newspaper…
She laughed at me, and said, "Oh uncle you're so old. Just use my phone." So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider.
Where does a dog go when it loses it’s tail and needs a new one?
A retail store.
I got arrested for illegally downloading Wikipedia in its entirety
Before I got arrested I said "wait I can explain everything'
Dad, are we Pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
Drunken Fools
Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building. One turns to the other and says: "You know last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building- by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window." The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar. The 2nd Man says: "What are you a nut? There is no way in heck that could happen." 1st Man: "No it's true let me prove it to you." So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar. The 2nd Man tells him: "You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke." 1st Man: "No, I'll prove it again" and again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it. 2nd Man: "Well what the heck, it works, I'll try it." So he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat.' Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker: "You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk."
What color is a window?
Well, the answer's pretty clear…
I always encourage everyone I know to wear two different deodorants, one under each armpit.
But that’s just my two scents.
How do you measure how heavy a chili pepper is?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
When I was a kid, I made a really big sandcastle with my grandma
Unfortunatley, I didn't impress anyone at the cremation…
I didn’t lose my virginity til I was 23…
other than that, prison wasn’t too bad.
This one’s ok I guess
Son- Dad, I got my gf pregnant. Dad- Son, I'm disappointed. Son- Hi disappointed, I'm dad. Dad- You're ready.
Knock knock…
Who’s there? Hike. Hike who? Warm midnight falling. Stars shining, dancing brightly. Peaceful all at once
To the person who stole my glasses, I will find you.
I have contacts.
Dr. Watson was again impressed by Sherlock Holmes’ diverse set of skills as Watson asked inquisitively as to what tree Sherlock was planting, to which Sherlock replied…
“Why, that’s a lemon tree, my dear Watson.”
At first, I wasn’t so sure about keeping a beard, but
It has grown on me
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign language
Did you hear about the bread factory burning down?
They say the business is toast.
I found a pen that writes underwater
It writes other words too