A man has a habit of starting every morning by breaking wind.
Of course, his wife finds this habit disgusting, and even as she asks him to stop, he only snickers, continuing the habit every morning.
After one of the husband's daily bouts of morning flatulence, the woman tells him that if he continues to fart every morning, his intestines will come out of his ass. Of course, he does not believe her claim, and he gets up, as every day before. Enraged, the woman thinks of a solution.
Later that day, the woman saves the intestines from the turkey that she has cooked, preparing to give her husband a proper scare. When he's fallen asleep, she puts the turkey intestines in his underwear, and when he wakes up, after delivering his usual sour flatuosity, he is horrified to feel what he presumes to be his own innards in his underwear.
As the man rushes to the bathroom, holding his behind all the way, his wife smiles content, asking: "I told you that would happen!"
As she hears a grunt and a slopping sound, her husband comes out of the bathroom, a satisfied grin on his face. "Yes," he says, "but thanks to God's grace and these two fingers, all is back where it should be."
not sure if this has been posted already
hoe hoe hoe
The sysadmin is a recurrent theme
I saw this on facebook
I went to a general store.
They wouldn’t let me buy anything specifically.
My wife said I was being immature.
I told her to get out of my fort.
Why did the slave go to college?
So he could pickup his Master's degree.
Did you know the first French fries weren’t actually cooked in France?
They were cooked in Greece.
Chinese people eat cats hurr durr!
How does every racist joke start?
With a look over your shoulder
How do you stop an anti-vaxer from drowning?
Take your foot off his head. ** Edit: Some people PM'd me to tell me they found this offensive. I reread it and I agree. Here is the updated version of the joke: Q. How do you stop an anti-vaxer from drowning? A. Take your foot off his or her head. Again, I apologize to any feminists out there for my originally posted version.
It usually takes longer to write the automation code too [OC]
I met the woman of my dreams in Korea
She's my Seoul mate
Sometimes I talk to myself for no reason.
Yeah me too.
Does anyone want to be in a platonic relationship?
I’m asking for a friend.
They say you are what you eat.
Well, today I bought some ready to eat chicken, and sure enough, when I got home I was ready to eat chicken.
🥳How To Pretend You Are An Awesome UX Designer 🙈| funny (Sketch)
“Judge, I want to contest 60% of my parking tickets!”
Judge: Repeat infractions? Man: Fine. I want to contest 3/5 of my parking tickets!
Loss pt. 2: electric boogaloo
At 98 years old, my grandfather had the body of a 27 year old.
Unfortunately, the police found it.
Me: See? To prove I’m not a boring house dad I went and got a tattoo!
Her: Oh, cool! It's.. uh? Me: (proudly) It's my thermos! From work! Her: (reaching towards me) Well, uh, the line work is certainly.. Me: (slaps hand away) Don't touch the thermos tat.
Tits are like pizza…
…It doesn't matter what size, they're all good.
A man walks into a library and asks for a book about lubricants.
The librarian points him towards the non-friction section.
Good imitation mate
This was sad
I have an unoriginal joke.
But you probably Reddit
Adam was talking to his friend at a bar. He said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stuck." His friend said, "I have an idea! Why don't you make up a certificate saying that she can have 60 minutes of great sex, anyway she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled." So Adam decided to listen to his friend's advice. The next day at the bar, his friend said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?" "Yes, I did," Adam replied. "Did she like it?" "Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead, and ran out the door, yelling, "I'll be back in an hour!"
Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me
it means a lot.
They are really moody sometimes
Funny and sad, and eerily accurate
Did you know that if you get really close to a lighter flame…
…it smells like burnt nose hair?
I want to start a company that makes both coffins and condoms
The slogan would be:" We've got you covered whether you cuming or going"
Saw this in Telegram
big brain meme
Saw this on fb behold my local citizens.
I literally have no clue what to even say about this
Ricky on the money as usual!
Where’s the tough guy that picks on everyone?
We were walking past a lingerie store, and my wife said, “I want to try on the bra in the front window.”
I said, “I think you might have to use the dressing room like everyone else.”
One day a guy dies…
…and finds himself in hell. Walking around, he runs into the devil. Devil: Why are you so sad? Guy: Why do you think? I'm in hell. Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man? Guy: Sure, I love to drink. Devil: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Diet Coke. We drink until we throw up and then we drink some more. Guy: Gee, that sounds great. Devil: You a smoker? Guy: You better believe it. Devil: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our friggin' lungs out. If you get cancer, it's okay — you're already dead. Guy: Golly! Devil: I bet you like to gamble, too. Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do. Devil: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it. You like to do drugs? Guy: Yes, I love to do drugs. You don't mean…? Devil: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of the Titanic. You can do all the drugs you want, and you'll never die — you're already dead. Guy: Neat! I never realized hell was such a happenin' place! Devil: You gay? Guy: No. Devil: Oh, you're gonna hate Fridays
I, for one
Like roman numerals.
High-value target protection
I think my grandpa is trying to tell me something (Millennials bad)
I married my wife for her looks,
but not the ones she’s been giving me lately.
Have you heard about that guy who got his left hand cut?
He's alright now
Sucks to be high schooler
70% of the country would be a smarter representative
A leaf and an emo fall from a tree. Who hits the ground first?
The leaf. The rope stopped the emo.
A small meteorite is reportedly headed for Legoland
The damage is expected to be 50 square blocks.
A married man goes into a confessional and says to his priest..
"I had an affair with a woman… almost." The priest says, "What do you mean, almost?" The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest says, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say 5 Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box." The man leaves the confessional, says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly runs over to him saying, "I saw that, you didn't put any money in the poor box!" The man replies, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and apparently that's the same as putting it in."
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My wife and I decided to curb our smoking habit a bit by only smoking after sex.
I havnt touched a cigarette in 10 years and shes up to 2 packs a day. RIP Rodney.
Its that time of the year again
If you think Thursdays are depressing, wait two days.
It will be a sadder day.
Why did the coffee go to the police
Because it got mugged
I’ve created an app similar to Tinder but it’s for paleontologists.
I call it Carbon Dating.
Destruction of government property
I threw an iPhone into a lake the other day
It's still syncing