A man has been stealing wheels of police cars
The police have been working tirelessly to catch him
Teacher : “Alright who can name a flammable material?”
Jewish Kid : “ME! ME! ME!” Teacher : “Okay what else?”
My son told me my grammar was good.
He meant well.
Camouflage clothing is so ugly…
It's no wonder you don't see anyone wearing it.
Karen got hired to an offshore rig during the pandemic.
She's an essential oil worker now.
This website won’t let me use “beefstew” as a password
Apparently it's not stroganoff.
I just bought the personalized license plate BAA BAA…
For my black jeep…
Here’s the thing about cliff hangers
No text found
I was passing by my son’s bedroom and was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow, addressed to, ‘Dad’. With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands…
"Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy. She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it! Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren. Love, your son, Joshua. P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home!"
this ad….
https://ift.tt/2MOD46q
My family and I walked into the lobby and as we were checking in, I whispered to the desk clerk, “I hope the porn is disabled.”
The guy looked at me in shock and sputtered, "It's just regular porn, you sick perv!"
Scottish Humor
It’s called a “Kilt” because I kilt the last man who called it a skirt. Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order. A lot of people wonder what a true Scotsman wears under his kilt, but don't ask him: he'll not tell ya, he'll show ya. In Scotland, we have mixed feelings about Global Warming. For even though we might lose some of our southern cities, at least we'll get to sit on the mountains and watch the English drown. 🙂
What did one butt cheek say to the other?
Together, we can stop this shit.
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says "how did you do that?"
A-merry-ca ‘ristmas, reddit
from all of US!
I used to feel like a man trapped inside a woman’s body
Then I was born
TIL: Stephen King has a son named Joe.
I’m not joking, but he is.
Why does a chicken coop only have 2 doors?
Because if it had 4 doors it’d be a chicken sedan.
I added Paul Walker as a friend on X-box…
But he spends all his time on his dashboard
To the people who don’t cover their mouths when they cough.
You make me sick.
I am addicted to brake fluid
But I can stop whenever I want.
why did the can-crusher quit it’s job?
because it was soda-pressing!
I heard the atheists are trying to get tax exempt status now
they are a non-prophet organization
Mother Superior is in the convent, when she hears a knock at the door. She opens the door and is shocked to see two leprechauns standing at the threshold, hats in hand. The first leprechaun speaks, “Mother Superior, would you be having any leprechaun nuns in this convent?”
"No, my son. We have no leprechaun nuns in this convent." "And mother, do you have any leprechaun nuns in all of Ireland?" "No my son, I don't believe there's a single leprechaun nun in the whole church!" The first leprechaun rounds on his companion and shouts, "AH TOL' YE YOU'D BEEN FOOKIN' A PENGUIN!"
We don’t need facemasks for corona anymore
we can use coughy filters
Why didn’t the redneck leave the yoga class when it was over?
On his way out he said "see you next week". The instructor responded "namaste" , and the redneck said "Oh. Then I'm-a-stayin too".
People treat me like a god
They ignore my existence unless they need something