A man is at his wife’s funeral
and a woman asks him if she can say a word.
He says okay and she stands up, saying ‘Plethora’.
The man replies, ‘Thanks, that means a lot’.
I turned left, turned right, went straight ahead and went back
None of those roads led to Rome. They led me to Arkansas. One of the roads left to the edge of a cliff. Unfortunately, I stopped driving.
Guys who try to pick up girls through Reddit are pathetic
Ladies if you agree with me message me your number and we can discuss it more. Maybe over dinner or a movie or something.
What do you call a group of Russian pessimists?
A so-be-it union.
What did the Mexican fireman name his two sons?
José and Hose B
How easy is it to get Reddit karma?
Repost a popular joke from yesterday, It’s a piece of cake.
Why does Trump take Xanax?
For Hispanic Attacks.
3d printers can print guns now!
Not impressed. Had a canon printer for years.
I went to blockbuster back in 1996 and asked the man if I could rent “Batman Forever”
He said: "No sir, Ill need it back tomorrow night"
Why was the castle prostitute tired all the time?
She worked knights.
Texted my dad to figure out what we wanted to eat for dinner, and got this one
Me: "So, what do you want to do for dinner?" Him: "Eat, lol. You?"
I’m developing a game which simulates your parents using the internet.
It's called the Elder Scrolls Online.
A dung beetle walked into a bar and said
Is this stool taken?
My wife divorced me because I accidentally put it in the wrong hole
Fair enough it was her sister's but still…
What sort of grades did Tommy Wiseau receive in school?
Oh, high marks.
A man is sitting at a bar, staring at his drink
A man is sitting at a bar, staring at his drink, not moving. After about 20 minutes of this another man notices and walks over and grabs the drink from the man and gulps it down. He sets the glass down and looks at the man he just stole from, waiting for a reaction. The man who had his drink stolen slowly turns to the man who took his drink and says, "I've had a really bad day. My alarm clock didn't go off this morning so I was late to work, which got me fired. When I went to drive home I found my car had been stolen. In the cab I took to get home my wallet fell out and I lost it. When I get home I find my wife in bed with the neighbor. And now, when I finally get the courage to kill myself, somebody drinks my poison. "
When my mum became a vegan, I couldn’t recognize her
It's like I've never seen Her-bivore
What do you call fifteen rabbits hopping backwards?
A receding hareline.
My very first dad joke as an actual dad.
On the day my daughter was born Nurse: We're gonna have to give her a few shots in her heel. Me: Her heel?! She's not going to be able to walk for months!
Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn’t include a driver.
Can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it…
I’m sorry if this is a repost but I found this posted seriously on an account I enjoy.
https://ift.tt/2QXZSDr
I got an email saying “At Google Earth, we can even read maps backward.”
And I thought, “that’s just spam”.
I bought a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
Why can’t china play cricket?
they keep eating their bats…
I don’t always tell dad jokes
But when I do, he laughs
What do you call a sentence that can hurt you ?
A punchline…
A man walks into a rooftop bar and takes a seat next to another guy
“What are you drinking?” he asks the guy. “Magic beer,” he says. “Oh, yeah? What’s so magical about it?” Then he shows him: He swigs some beer, dives off the roof, flies around the building, then finally returns to his seat with a triumphant smile. “Amazing!” the man says. “Lemme try some of that!” The man grabs the beer. He downs it, leaps off the roof —and plummets 15 stories to the ground. The bartender shakes his head. “You know, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman.”
My girlfriend doesn’t like to argue about Indian food.
She's pretty naan confrontational.
Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me.
It means a lot.
The New Year’s celebration at Times Square was pretty disappointing.
They really dropped the ball this time.