A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The female cashier says: “You must be single.”
The man answers: "Wow, how did you know?" Cashier: "Because you're ugly."
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.
Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.
My wife packed my bags and kicked me out of the house.
As I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"
Got a new job at the guillotine factory.
I'll beheading there shortly.
Why was the basketball court wet?
Everyone was dribbling on it.
People say Iβm a plagiarist…
Their words, not mine.
Will glass coffins be a success?
Remains to be seen.
Adam meets a witch
The witch tells him: "Tell me I am pretty or you will be cursed"! Adam: "Sorry, but I don't find you attractive." Witch: "Take that back, or you most surely will be cursed! Adam: "Nope. You're hideous." The witch then transformed him into an ant. Witch: "Look where your rudeness brought you! " Adam: "Yeah this sucks, but you still look like a moldy potato." Witch: "Very well, then. You will remain in this form until you repent and call me pretty!" He is still adamant.
Why does KFC not have toilet paper?
It's finger licking good
3 men die and go to heaven
At the Pearly Gates they're greeted by Saint Peter Saint Peter: I will let you into heaven if you can show me a spirit of Christmas The first man pulls out a leaf from his pocket and says "this represents the Christmas tree" He is allowed into heaven The second man pulls out his keys "these represent bells" He is allowed into heaven The third man pulls out a pair of women's underwear Saint Peter: good lord what do those represent?! The third man says "oh well these, these are Carols"
I ordered a chicken and egg from Amazon.
I'll let you know.
Just bought a thesaurus and got home to find out the pages are all blank!
I have no words to describe how angry I am…
What do gender identities and the twin towers have in common?
… There used to be two of them, and now everyone is REAL SENSITIVE about it
I thought I had discovered a new color…
… but it turned out to be a pigment of my imagination.
How do you get a farm girl to like you?
A tractor.
Why don’t blind people skydive?
It scares the heck out of their dogs!
Everyone keeps telling me Iβm the worst mailman they have ever seen…
Sorry! I meant to post this somewhere else…
What’s the difference between a school and a compound?
I got no clue, I just fly the drone
Husband and wife are sunbathing at a nudist beach… NSFW
When suddenly a wasp flies into the wife's vagina. She screams in terror, and frantically tells her husband what happened. He scoops her into his arms, throws her into the car and speeds to the hospital. At the hospital the doctor tries a few different ways to remove the wasp with each one failing. The doctor has an idea, turns to the husband and says, "We will coat your penis with honey, you insert it into your wife. When you feel the wasp on your head, slowly remove it." The husband gives it a try but with all the yelling, hectic drive and stress of the situation, he cannot get an erection. The doctor says, "With both your permissions, I can perform the procedure." Fearing that the wasp can do damage in there, they both readily agree. The doctor pulls down his scrubs, smears himself with honey and gets instantly hard. He slowly inserts his honey covered penis a few inches into the wife's vagina. Withdraws an inch, slides back in a couple inches, withdraws a few inches. "There he is… no, lost him… I think I got him. No, no. Lost him again…" Over the next 20 minutes, the doctor's comments has turned into grunts and pants. He now has sweat dripping from his face, while pumping the wife viorously. The wife is moaning wildly, and has locked her legs around the doctors hips. The husband is on the edge of his seat and screams, "Doctor, tell me what's happening!? What's going on in there!" Doctor replies, "Change of plans. I'm going to drown that little fucker."
I just got out of a heated debate with a friend of mine who read an article on this
https://ift.tt/36skeKs
2 peanuts walked into a park
One was as-salted
Son: “Mom, Dad, I’m gay.”
Mom: Stares at Dad Dad: Clenches fist Mom: "Don't!" Dad: Sweats Profusely Mom: "…" Dad: "HI GAY, I'M DAD"
A farmer friend of mine
used his stimulus check to buy baby chickens. He got his money for nothing and his chicks for free.
Are you the replacement teacher for my class today?
Sorry, wrong sub
What does a clock do when it’s hungry?
It goes back four seconds.
What do you call a drunk coffee?
Amerrycano.
When is the best time to buy a chicken?
When they're going "CHEEP!"
That didn’t end well
That didn’t end well
If you boil a funny bone what does it become?
A laughing stock!
Pun enters a room, kills 10 people
Pun in, 10 dead
My wife is a body builder
She's pregnant
Does my Thai girlfriend have a penis?
Something inside me says yes
My daughter hates soup alphabet, but when I am feeding her, I am saying she loves it.
I guess I am putting words in her mouth.
I proposed to a mime today,
"Will you mirror me?" She was speechless.
You know what makes me throw up?
A dart board on a ceiling.
Did you hear about the dyslexic Devil worshipper?
He sold his soul to Santa.
A JFK conspiracy theorist dies and goes to heaven
When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, God is there to receive him. "Welcome. You are permitted to ask me one question, which I will answer truthfully." Without hesitating, the conspiracy theorist asks, "Who really shot Kennedy?" God replies, "Lee Harvey Oswald shot him from sixth floor of the Texas School Book Depository. There were no accomplices. He acted alone" The conspiracy theorist pauses, thinks to himself, then says "Shit! This goes higher up than I thought…"