A man is driving home from work when his wife calls him on his cell phone.
“Phil!” She shouts in panic, “Please be careful! I just heard that some lunatic is driving the wrong way on the highway.”
“You won’t believe it, Doris,” he replies. “It’s not just one car; it’s hundreds of them!”
My bathroom mirror is so dirty
But I just can't see myself cleaning it
My protractor broke
I wonder if it can still be used to a certain degree.
My teacher always starts her class by reading one of the posts from r/jokes, but today she’s absent.
So instead, a subreddit.
Did you hear about the mechanic that was caught having sex with car parts?
He got off with a suspension.
I’ve been searching for my ex wife’s killer for the past two years.
No one is willing to do it.
How did glue win the marathon?
He paste himself.
Next time your wife is angry, give her a towel as cape.
Then say : now you are super angry! She might laugh.. you might die.
My ex-girlfriend used to beat me with stringed instruments.
I didn’t know she had a history with Violins.
Why are married women fatter than single women?
A single woman looks in her fridge, sees nothing appetizing and goes to bed. A married women looks in her bed, sees nothing appetizing and goes to the fridge.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius,
But his brother Frank was a monster!
Just lost my job as a zookeeper
In my defence there were signs everywhere saying "please don't feed the animals"
I tried to tell some of my vaccinated friends a joke about measles.
But they just didn't get it.
90 degrees is pretty hot for most people,
But for mathematicians, it's just right.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food but just no atmosphere.
My wife: Honey, do you think our kids are spoiled?
Me: No, I think most of them smell that way.
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He'll stop at nothing to avoid them
Went to the sperm bank today…
The lady asked if I would like to masterbate in the cup? I said 'I'm good, but I'm not ready to compete in a tournament just yet'.
A joke I made up that’s funny only when you look back at it.
This guy shows up to his optometrist and says "I have a weird problem", The Optometrists replies, "What seems to be the trouble?" The guys says, "Everything's blurry. My vision is horrible!" "That's pretty common", the Optometrist replies. "We can certainly fix th…" "Wait! Here's the weird thing though" the guy interrupts, "Everything is blurry. EVERYTHING. Except… People's butts. People's butts, dogs butts, cats butts. Butts! I see butts clearly! What's going on?" The Optometrist smiles and calmly replies, "Listen, you've got nothing to worry about. Everyone knows that hindsight is 20/20."
I once swallowed a book of synonyms.
It gave me thesaurus throat I've ever had.
Mickey and Minnie Mouse are in the lawyer’s office
Lawyer: "Mickey, you can't divorce Minnie because she is mentally unstable." Mickey: "I didn't say she was unstable… I said she was fucking Goofy."
Did you know the first French fries where not made in France?
They where made in grease.
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?”
"Of course child. What may I do for you?" "Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?" "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie." "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you," she replied. When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare." The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" Father replied, "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, which is, to date, unused." Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next please!"
2 blonds are in heaven….
One asked the other: "how did you die?" "I froze to death" said the second blond "That must be awful, how it felt?" said the first blond "It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second blonde. "You are very cold and eventually you're muscles get numb and you freeze to death. It's sort of calming. How did you die? " "Well, " says the first blonde, " I had a heart attack. You see, I knew my husband was cheating on me. I came home unexpectedly and went upstairs to find him on the bed naked. I checked the basement, but no one was there. I ran up to the second floor and checked every room, but no one was there. I ran all the way to the attic, but I had a massive heart attack and I died." "Wow, " says the second blonde, "If you checked the freezer we would both be alive."
A woman was in court being sentenced for beating her husband to death with his electric guitars…
Judge: First offender? Woman: No, first a Gibson, then a Fender.
My Grandma was talking about the good old days and said “in my day we could leave the door unlocked and not worry about it!” and “we grew up with nothing but we were happy”…
I replied “Well Grandma, I hate to break it to you, but you grew up with nothing because you kept leaving the front door unlocked!”
