A man is involved in a minor car accident and starts screaming and shouting like a baby
A cop approaches the car and says: "Sir, the ambulance is on its way. Your girlfriend has blood on her face, yet she sits there patiently. You appear to be fine, why are you crying so loud?"
The man replies: "Check what's in her mouth!"
Why do Dasher and Dancer love coffee?
They are Santa's star bucks
My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex…
But my girlfriend keeps insisting it says dyslexia
Why is an iPhone X perfect for an orphan?
Because it has no home button.
A father catches his daughter having sex with a boy.
His daughter says: "Dad, I'm sorry." He replies: "Hi Sorry, I'm Dad." He then turns to the boy and asks: "What about you? Are you fucking sorry?"
Why do ducks make great detectives?
They always quack the case.
Two goldfish were sitting in a tank. At one point, one of them turns to the other.
Do you know how to drive this thing?
I finally finished my book about clocks
Its about time
A burglar stole all my lamps.
I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
I once wanted to do biochem research… Turns out I didn’t pass the vibe check.
https://ift.tt/38nW58h
True story but funny.
While filling my car up i noticed a woman smoking while filling her car up, silly thing to do but I know better than to confront strangers about their stupidity. I see 2 cops on the other side of the street, they can see her but they aren't doing anything about it… tax dollars in action I guess. As I am going to pay I hear this screaming behind me, like "I am dying" type screaming. I look around and see that this womans arm is on fire! She is literally running around the station waving her arm in the air! The cops jump into action and put the fire out, then arrest and handcuff her! I think this is a bit harsh and that the woman should be going to the hospital, not jail so I ask one cop why are they arresting her. The cop replied, "For waving a firearm in public"
What’s wrong with Arby’s ?
What’s wrong with Arby’s ?
Man with authority walks into a bar…
…and orders everyone a round.
After completing one year at the company, I told my boss that I wanted a hike.
So he told me to visit Nepal and do the Annapurna Circuit Trek.
My wife told me, “ Don’t get upset if someone calls you fat.”
“You’re much bigger than that.”
Why Don’t Roofers Like Getting Married?
Because they prefer the shingle life!
Soon, the only way to abort a kid in the US…
… will be to wait for him to go to school and get gunned down.
What type of underwear does Lara Croft wear?
Fruit of the tomb
Guys who try to pick up girls through Reddit are pathetic
Ladies if you agree with me message me your number and we can discuss it more. Maybe over dinner or a movie or something.
Here’s a magic joke for you: A magician was driving down a street.
Then he turned into a driveway.
I’m tired of hearing people say that age is just a number
When it's clearly a word!
I just asked my 14 yr old after he was talking the whole time while I was showing how to do something. ‘Do you know why god gave us two eyes and only one mouth?’
‘Because we don’t need depth perception with our mouths ‘ was his technically correct answer
I just failed a fire safety course when they asked what steps I would take in case of an explosion.
Apparently “Fucking large ones” wasn’t an acceptable answer.
My son told me he didn’t understand cloning.
I told him, 'that makes two of us'.
In Alabama, we don’t do the Reverse Cowgirl
We never turn our back on Family
What did the duck say when she bought a lipstick?
Put it on my bill!!
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly
Because communication is key
I have the heart of a lion…
And a lifetime ban from the San Diego Zoo.
Why don’t ants get sick
Because they have little anty bodies
Why are there no Walmarts in Afghanistan?
Because they're all Targets.
A man walks into a bar…
then goes to the bathroom. He comes out, goes to the bartender. He says “you’ve got a great place, but my buddy was here last night, and he said you have golden urinals. Where are they?” The bartender turns to the band and yells, “Frank, I’ve got a lead on the guy who pissed in your sax!”
Jeff Bezos: “Alexa, send nudes to my secret admirer.”
Alexa: "Got it. Sending nudes to the National Enquirer."
Who here believes in telekinesis?
Raise my hand. (Celebrating my first Father’s Day as a dad with my first post in this sub!)