A man is lost in the woods and it is getting dark.
As he walks through the woods he comes across a small cabin. He goes up to the cabin and knocks on the door. An old Chinese man opens it.
“I’m lost in the woods and I need somewhere to stay for the night,” the man said. “Can I please stay here?”
“Sure,” said the Chinese man. “But as long as you don’t lay a finger on my daughter. If you do, I’ll give you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man.
The man agreed to the Chinese man’s conditions. However when it was time for dinner the daughter came downstairs and he saw how beautiful she was.
“This old Chinese guy will never find out,” the man thought to himself.
So that night the man went to the Chinese man’s daughter’s room and they had mad passionate sex. The next day the man woke up and there was a huge rock on his chest. There was a sign on it that said “Chinese torture number 1: Rock on chest.” The man laughed and though to himself “Is this really the worst Chinese torture?” He then threw the rock out the window and started to walk towards the bedroom door and then he stopped when he saw the sign on it. It said “Chinese torture number 2: Rock tied to right testicle.” The man started to panic. He decided to jump out the window with the rock because a few broken bones is better than a castration. As he fell out the window, he saw a sign in the ground. It said “Chinese torture number 3: left testicle tied to bedpost.”
Good romance starts with a good friendship. Bad romance on the other hand starts with
Ra Ra Ah Ah Ah Ro Ma Ro Ma Ma Ga Ga Ohh La La
The past, present, and future walked into a bar.
It was tense.
So I said to Arnie: “Where did you get those toilet rolls?”
He said: "Aisle B, Back."
Trump received a conference call from his Top General in Iraq.
General: "This morning, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed." Trump's face went Egg shell White. The blood left his face and to every ones amazement he collapsed on the floor. Minutes passed and to every ones relief President Trump sat back on his chair His staff was nothing less than stunned at this display of emotion from their commander in chief, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands, waiting for him to faint again. Finally, the President looks up and with a shaky quivering voice asks the General "How many is a brazillion?"
Our whole family is really worried about my grandfather’s Viagra addiction.
Grandma is taking it particularly hard.
Tom retires from the Police after 30 years.
Sick of the stress, he buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there. “Name's Jess, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00 . . .” “Great,” says Tom. After six months alone out here he was ready to meet some local folks. "Thank you.” As Jess is leaving, he stops, “Gotta warn you. Be some drinkin'.” “Not a problem”, says Tom. “After 30 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em.” Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. “More'n likely gonna be some fightin' too.” “Well, I get along with people. I'll be all right! I'll be there. Thanks again.” “More'n likely be some wild sex, too.” “Now that‟s really not a problem,” says Tom, warming to the idea. “I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, should I wear something nice?” “Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.”
What do you call it when you mix alcohol and American literature ?
Tequila Mockingbird
A man walks into a bar
He sits down and orders 10 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks “Rough day?” The guy responds “I just found out my brother is gay and is dating my best friend.” The next day the guy goes back to the bar and orders 20 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks “what happened this time?” The guy responds “I just found out my son is also gay” The next day the guy goes in and orders 30 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks “Does anyone in your family like women?” The guy responds “apparently my wife does”
-Sir, you have a bladder infection.
-What’s that? -Urine trouble, sir.
I bought shoes from a drug dealer,
I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day
Dating a single mother
Is like continuing from someone else’s saved game
What does 6.9 mean?
Just another good thing ruined by period.
I still remember fondly the times dad used to roll us down the hill inside tires.
Those were the Good Years.
What’s 200 yards long and has an IQ of 40?
The queue to buy toilet paper at Walmart.
If a girl is uncomfortable watching you masturbate, do you think:
A. She is a prude and you have no future together. B. You two should spend more time together so she can get used to that level of openness. C. She should have sat somewhere else on the train?
I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov’s dog and Schrödinger’s cat…
She said it rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.
“Boss, can I have a week off around Christmas?”
Boss: It’s May. “Sorry. May I have a week off around Christmas?”
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma
6 months later she wakes up and asks the doctors about her baby. Doctor: you had twins! A boy and a girl. They are both healthy. Luckily, your brother was here and he named them. Woman: oh no, he is an idiot. What are their names? Doctor: the girls name is Denise Woman: okay, that’s not to bad, what about the boy? Doctor: Denephew
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye
Turns out she was seeing someone else.
Two men are trying to get in a quick eighteen holes, but there two women golfers in front of them who are taking quite a long time to play each hole.
The first guy says, "Why don't you go over and ask if we can play through?" The second guy gets about halfway there, turns and comes back. The first guy says, "What's wrong?" The second guy says, "One of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress." The first guy says, "That could be a problem. I'll go over." He gets about halfway there and he turns and comes back, too. The second guy says, "What's wrong?" The first guy says, "Small world!"
My dog really is diggin the new dune movie… Maybe a little too much!!!
My dog really is diggin the new dune movie… Maybe a little too much!!!
Why are photographers so hesitant to get into a relationship?
They're interested in developing one, but can't stop focusing on all the negatives.
Roses are red, Cellos are brown
Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down 😉
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses…
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. “I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?” The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “OK, now what?”
Unwritten rules of Life…..
1. 2. 3.
When I die I want my coffin to be made of onions.
My family don't love me very much.
A sheep, a drum and a snake fall off a cliff.
Baa dum hiss
I have an EpiPen
My friend gave it to me when he was dying. It seemed important for him that I have it.
7 year old got me today
Did you know gibberish spelled backwards is gibberish? No, it's hsirebbig. Exactly my point!
A teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question…….
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying: "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?" Sherman said: "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back." "That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?" Johnny said: "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner."
What do sprinters eat before races?
Nothing, they fast
A farmer named Clyde had a car accident…
In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the moment of the accident, 'I'm fine.'" asked the lawyer? Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the…" "I did not ask you for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'" Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road." The lawyer interrupted again and said "Judge, I'm trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time the judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie." Clyde thanked the judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. When the highway patrolman came on the scene he could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her and saw her near fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, 'how are you feeling?' Now what the fuck would you say?"
No I don’t want to play who can act like a cat the longest….
No I don’t want to play who can act like a cat the longest….
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar
You can't tell me that's just a coincidence .
Saw a guy being beaten up by 4 dudes
I went to go help. He didn’t stand a chance against the 5 of us. Edit: can someone explain all the letters?
Got laid off today, boss hadn’t removed me from all chats, so I left on my own terms.
https://ift.tt/2VuzQKk
I tried to trade a deer for fireworks
I want the best bang for my buck