A man is lying sprawled across three entire seats at a posh theater before the show has even started. An usher walks by, notices the man and says, “Sir, you’re only allowed one seat, can you please sit up?”
The man groans, but remains seated.
The usher becomes impatient with the man, "Sir, if you don't get up, I will need to get my manager involved"
Again the man just groans, which infuriates the usher as he marches off to get the manager.
In a few moments, he returns with the manager and they both repeatedly attempt to move him, but with no success.
It was at this point that the manager calls the police.
Moments later, a police officer arrives and approaches the man, "Alright buddy, what's your name?"
"Sam." the man moans.
"And where ya from Sam?"
With pain in his voice Sam replied, "The balcony…"
My son Luke loves that we chose Star Wars characters as an inspiration when naming our kids.
His sister Chewbacca is less thrilled.
A man came up to me and said “Man, your clothes look gay”.
I said "I know, they came out of the closet this morning".
The inventor of the throat lozenge has died.
There will be no coffin at his funeral…
Alastor said what..?
Alastor said what..?
How Many Police Officers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None they beat the room for being black.
Today I learned: The writer Stephen King has a son named Joe.
I'm not joking, but he is.
Germans when it comes to driving
Germans when it comes to driving
My wife asked me to put tomato ketchup on the shopping list that I was writing out.
I can't read a fucking word now.
At the Olympics I saw an athletic guy carrying a long stick and asked him, “Are you a pole vaulter?”
He looked surprised and said, "Nein, I am a German. But how did you know my name is Walter?"
Son/Daughter: Hey I got a haircut! What do you think?
Dad: Looks like you got them all cut.
What do you call hiking US college students?
The walking debt.
It is actually difficult to figure it out nowadays
It is actually difficult to figure it out nowadays
What do you call children born in whorehouses?
Brothel sprouts.
Two faced
When my daddy first seen me, he said "oh look, he's got my smile". Mom said "That's his backside, turn him over."
My wife is constantly changing her name, but gets mad at me when I call her the new name.
Sometimes it's hungry, sometimes it's tired, sometimes it's angry. Please help.
Found this on the facebook group “Victorian Humor”
Apparently, \”marriage is terrible\” never gets old.
Dad fell through a shop window.
Now he's in pane.
Why do women wear panties with flowers on them?
In loving memory of all the faces that have been buried there.
“You’re addicted!”
"No, I'm not. And stop calling me Ted!"
A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.
The bee said, 'What seems to be the problem?' 'I'm out of gas,' the man replied. The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out. 'Try it now,' said one bee. The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. 'Wow!' the man exclaimed, 'what did you put in my gas tank'? The bee answered, ‘BP’
If a woman sleeps with ten men she’s a slut.
But if a man does the same thing, he’s gay. Like really gay.
I caught my husband coming to a brothel and I’m not sure what to do now.
On the one hand he is unfaithful, but on the other hand it was nice that he visited me at work.
I saw an advert that read “Radio for sale, $1.00, volume stuck of full”
I thought, "I can't turn that down"
What do you call a sleep-walking nun?
A roamin’ Catholic…
I buy a TV every year with different amount of pixels
It's my new year's resolution
Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump…
But that’s comparing apples to oranges.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
Ben Shapiro dies in a plane crash. Wanna know why it crashes?
LEFT WING DESTROYED
I’m a big fan of whiteboards.
I find them quite re-markable.
I realized this while watching The Matrix Reloaded
I realized this while watching The Matrix Reloaded
A cemetery is a terrible setting for a convincing horror story.
Too many plot holes.
What do you call a 5 foot psychic that escaped from prison?
A small medium at large.
People tell me that my phone is more powerful than the computer that put astronauts on the moon.
Yet when I use my phone to navigate it will tell me to turn when there is no turn. But I guess it makes sense since there aren’t a lot of turns between Earth and the Moon.
When I was a kid, my parents would always say “Excuse my french” after a swear word…
…I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any french.
It’s 1 in the morning and a drunk bar patron decides it’s time to go home.
He gets up off his barstool and immediately faceplants. “Oh, holy crap. I’m drunker than I thought!” He pulls himself up with the barstool, lets go, and faceplants again. “Shit!” He crawls to the front door. He tries pulling himself up with the door knob and door frame. Once again, he lets go and drops straight to the ground. “This is bullshit. I didn’t even have that much to drink!” When he finally crawls to the sidewalk, he grabs hold of a light pole. Again, he pulls himself up, lets go, and immediately collapses. “Shit, this is going to be a long crawl home!” It’s a long, grueling trek, but he finally makes it home. By the time he reaches his front steps, the sky is a light pink and blue and birds are beginning to chirp. As he reaches for the doorknob, it twists and the door swings wide open. He looks up to see his ever-so-livid wife glaring down at him. “Honey, I can explain! I just had too much to drink, and…” “Yeah, I know. The bar called. You left your wheelchair there again.”
I think it is time to reconsider calling people ‘Karen’. It is rude…
We can all be Karen's in our own ways. I just realized I'm a computer Karen. Every time something is taking too long, or the slightest inconvenience happens, I immediately want to see the task manager. *sorry*