A man is smoking two cigarettes at a park
Another man walks up to him and asks, "Why are you smoking two cigarettes?"
He replies: "I'm smoking one for myself and one for my brother, he is in a no-smoking prison."
Satisfied with the answer, the man walks away.
A few days pass and he sees the same man at the park, but he's only smoking one cigarette.
Excited, he goes up to the man and asks, "Did your brother get out of prison? You are only smoking one cigarette."
He replies: "No, I quit smoking."
What do you call a Chameleon who can’t change colours?
A reptile dysfunction!
Why did the writer have his desk next to the window?
He liked to feel the draft coming in.
My girlfriend asked to do a 69
I said "what’s that?" she said "lay down an I’ll show you" so she went to squat over my face. as she did she farted and jumped up and said "sorry" and then tried again, she then farted a 2nd time. with that I jumped up an said "I’m off, I’m fucked if I’m hanging around for another 67 of them"
I told my 3yr old daughter “I’m tired.”
"Oh. I thought you were daddy!" I've never been so proud.
BREAKING NEWS: Eminem has just become the first celebrity to be diagnosed with Coronavirus..
In a statement released by doctors, it has been revealed that his palms were sweaty, knees weak and arms were heavy.. He presented with vomit on his sweater already.. Initial testing has revealed it was mums spaghetti
Scientists pinpoint the initial cross-species transmission episode back to 1992
https://ift.tt/3aJJm0B
He really pinned Jim Jordan on the mat here, & I don’t think he’s getting up.
https://ift.tt/2NMRNzn
After hearing me sing for the first time, my music teacher told me I should be tenor.
Tenor twelve feet away from her and all musical instruments at all times.
I once swallowed a dictionary
It gave me thesaurus throat I ever had
I’ve heard the Canadian Prime-Minister has a French last name.
Is this Trudeau?
Why haven’t aliens visited our solar system yet?
They looked at the reviews… Only 1 star.
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him.
Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy. He’s a web designer.
I’ve always wanted to swim in a ocean of soda.
It's my fanta-sea
My friend David had his ID stolen.
Now he's just Dave
A lost dog strays into the jungle one day. From a distance, a lion sees this and thinks to himself, “Hmmm, this guy looks edible, I’ve never seen his kind before”. So the lion starts running towards the dog with menace but the dog notices this and starts to panic.
As he's about to run he sees some bones on the ground next to him, gets an idea and says loudly, "Mmm… That was some good lion meat!" The lion screeches to a halt and says, "Woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can" and then runs away. Over in a tree, is a monkey who sees everything and realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion what happened and getting something in return. So the monkey finds the lion and tells him what really happened. The lion says to the monkey angrily, "Get on my back, we'll get him together". So the monkey climbs on the lion's back and they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them, realizes what has happened and starts to panic even more. But then he gets another idea and shouts, "Where is that monkey!?! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago…"
Are you tired of boiling water every time you make pasta?!
Just boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later!!
What do you call a cheap circumcision
A rip off
The Hindenburg
Edit: Wow! I didn't know this would blow up!
How do you drown a hipster?
Throw him in the mainstream.
The teacher can’t figure out who’s eating and interrupting them
The teacher can’t figure out who’s eating and interrupting them
Dwayne Johnson locked eyes with Medusa
nothing happened
I named my eraser Confidence…
Because it gets smaller after every mistake I make.
Who is CRISPR’s favorite actor?
Gene Hackman
Velcro is such a rip-off
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Why is gum similar to guns?
If you take one out during class, everyone starts acting like your friend.
It was a difficult conversation telling my son to call me dad instead of mom now
But I wanted to be transparent.
What do you call a kid who is born in a whorehouse?
A brothel sprout (I’ll let myself out)
A cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man running around and waving his arms wildly. “Captain,” one of the passenger asks, “who is that man over there?”
"I have no idea," the captain says, "but he goes nuts every year when we pass him."
A vulture carrying two dead raccoons tries to board an airplane…
The stewardess stops him and says "I'm sorry sir, you're only one carrion per passenger!"