A man is walking home late one foggy night…
when behind him he hears:
BUMP!… BUMP!… BUMP!…
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.
BUMP!… BUMP!… BUMP!…
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.
FASTER… FASTER…
BUMP… BUMP… BUMP…
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping…
Clappity-BUMP… Clappity-BUMP… Clappity-BUMP…
…on his heels, the terrified man runs.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.
Bumping and clapping toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket…
and…
The coffin stops.
India is a very peaceful country.
Because nobody has any beef over there.
Three girls all had boyfriends with the same name, so in order to avoid confusion, they decided to give the boys nicknames.
The first girl said: "I call my man 7-Up." "Why do you call him that?" asked her friends. "Because he’s seven inches long and is always up." The second girl said: "I call my man Mountain Dew." "Why do you call him that?" said the other two. "Because he likes to mount me and do me!" The third girl said: "I call my man Jack Daniels." The others look at her in bewilderment and say: "Why do you call your man that? Jack Daniels is a hard liquor." "Exactly."
First time
Wife : Be gentle, it is my first time in bed. Husband : What? You had three divorces before. Wife : My first husband was a philosopher. He only talked about it. Second was a gynaecologist. He just kept looking at it. And the third was an engineer. He wanted to re-design it. You are from HR, so this time I know, I am going to be fucked.
Host: What are you?
Me: I'm a Harp Host: Your costume's too small. Me: Are you calling me a Lyre?
Why do milking stools only have three legs?
Because the cow's got the udder!
Bartender job description
Basically you’re a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
Why do programmers prefer dark mode?
Cause light attracts bugs.
A friend in Germany tells me everyone’s panic buying sausages and cheese.
It’s the Wurst Käse scenario.
What do you call a dwarf from mexico?
A paragraph, because he's only a short ese.
Her: Did you and your buddies experiment with sex and drugs when you were in school?
Me: Yes, but I was in the control group.
A lady accidentally locks herself out of her car and begins to panic.
A passing soldier notices this, walks over and rolls his pants across the car. Magically, the car unlocks. The woman is relieved but puzzled, asking him how he did it. "That's easy. These are khakis."
90% of people are unable to solve this riddle by guessing the opposite of each word.
Always Coming From Take Me Down
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent
What animal can jump higher than a mountain?
All of them, mountains can't jump.
How did the farmer find his wife?
He tractor down.
Hey girl, are you a Communist?
Because I feel an uprising in my lower classes.
My wife was complaining that I’m too lazy. I told her it’s not my fault.
Laziness walks in my family.
My girlfriend objected when I tried to..
post our home made sex tape on PornHub, saying she couldn’t stand the thought of all those strangers masturbating over it. So I put it on Facebook instead.
Me: “75 Watts.. 60 Watts.. 100 Watts” Daughter: “what are you doing, dad??”
Me: "oh, just a bit of light reading"
I wrote to my North Korean penpal asking how things were in his country
He wrote back "I can't complain"
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks
A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital. He wakes up as he’s being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses. “Am I in heaven?” asks the disoriented priest.
"No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward".
I’m trying to find out what the lowest rank in the army is
But everyone keeps saying it's private
A college girl finds out she’s pregnant….
She doesn't know who the father is, so she goes to every dude on the campus she recently had sex with, tells them "I'm pregnant." Luckily the guy was found when his newly developed senses made him answer: "Hi pregnant. I'm dad."
I proposed to my ex-wife.
But she said no. She believes I’m just after my money.
A furniture store keeps calling me…
All I wanted was one night stand.
Went to a stables looking for work and the stable master asked “Have you ever shoed a horse?”
"No, but I told a donkey to fuck off once."
Why did the tomato blush?
Because it saw the salad dressing!
Fairly Oddparents predicted skibidi toilet?!?!?!?!
Fairly Oddparents predicted skibidi toilet?!?!?!?!
I’m bad at two things: telling jokes, and not getting angry while waiting in queue at orgies…
But I keep punching up the fuck line.
I’d like to start dieting…
…but I just have too much on my plate right now.
3 spies from England, France and Italy were sent to the USSR.
After a week they were captured and put in jail. The Russians took the English spy, tied and tortured him and after 20 minutes he gave all the info. Then the Russians took the French spy. They tied and tortured him, and after 20 minutes he too gave all the info. Then they took the Italian spy and did the same to him, but he didnt give any info. They kept torturing him for 3 hours but with no luck. Eventually they gave up and put him back in the cell. The 2 other spies asked him “How did you do that? They tortured us like crazy!” The Italian replied: “I wanted to give all my info, but they tied my hands and so I couldn't speak.