A man just threw some milk, cream and butter at me.
How dairy!
The word “diputseromneve” may look ridiculous…
But backwards it’s even more stupid…
Why don’t people get up early in Athens?
Because Dawn is tough on Greece. 😆
Did you know that a group of crows is called a murder?
Well, technically it’s only a murder if there’s probable caws.
My daughter asks me all the time “Daddy, can you put my shoes on?”
“No, I don't think they'll fit me.” Is my go to answer. Bless her she still laughs and says “silly daddy”. She’s 3 🙂
A guy sent me his nudes.
Pretty nuts, if you ask me.
Why didn’t anyone laugh at the TV’s joke?
Because it wasn't even remote-ly funny.
Serve alcohol at a party and nobody bats an eye
But serve laxatives and everybody loses their shit
My wife emailed me a photo of our first date together, but I couldn’t open the file.
I have trouble with emotional attachments.
My wife thinks I won’t advance in my career because I procrastinate too much.
I told her, “Just you wait.”
Pilot left his microphone on.
After take off pilot accidentally left his microphone on and said to his Co pilot ' Now I just want a cup of coffee and a blowjob'. An air hostess ran to tell him to switch off his microphone. When someone from the passengers shouted 'He asked for a cup of coffee too'.
A Roman walks into a bar…
and holds up two fingers exclaiming "Five beers please!"…
I don’t know why i loves bad puns so much.
It’s just how eye roll i guess
A new Navy recruit has his first day on a submarine…
He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post. "Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope." The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by. "Son I'm changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes." The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again. "Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters." The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes. "Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!" The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."
Only Anti-Vaxxers will get this
Measels
Pilot left his microphone on.
After take off pilot accidentally left his microphone on and said to his Co pilot ' Now I just want a cup of coffee and a blowjob'. An air hostess ran to tell him to switch off his microphone. When someone from the passengers shouted 'He asked for a cup of coffee too'.
I spotted an albino Dalmatian yesterday.
It was the least I could do for him.
Why was it called the dark ages?
Because of all the knights.
I named my horse Mayo.
Mayo neighs.
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father.
He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that? His father replied, Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."
As I lay in bed, looking up at the many thousands of stars in the night sky, I think to myself…
WHAT IN THE HECK HAPPENED TO MY ROOF?
Last night my date asked, “So how come you haven’t already been snapped up?” I replied, “I’ve been married before, but it didn’t work out. She said I was far too inattentive.”
"Oh, that's so sad! Did you have any kids?" "Probably."
A priest, a rapist and a paedophile walk into a bar.
He orders a beer.
If I had a penny for everyone who asked me to look after their dogs,
I'd have a pound.
I went into a pharmacy and asked “what gets rid of Coronavirus?”
The assistant replied “ammonia cleaner” I said “I’m sorry, I thought you worked here”
Sometimes I touch my knees to my chest and lean forward,
That’s just how I roll.
What’s an optimistic vampires favorite drink
B positive