A man knocked on my door today and asked for a small donation for the local swimming pool…
So I gave him a glass of water…
Private Smith: “Thank you, Sir!”
Cop: You are the lawyer. Lawyer: Exactly, so where’s my present?
At any moment, the urge to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away…
A ring actually means something to Gollum.
I haven't cleaned it, but I have had time.
It got out of hand pretty quickly
I've been taking steps to avoid them.
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… that's a nom de plume. When you take a name for war, that's a nom de guerre. When you take a name for an eating contest, that's a nom de om nom nom.
He was disqualified
I saw my wife, slightly drunk, yelling at the TV: ‘Don’t go in there! Don’t go in the church, you moron!’
She was watching our wedding video again.
Me "I dunno. I haven't even watched the first one." Groans from the wife and kids ensue.
We’re a cover band.
I guess you'd call him a post man now.
Safety. Remember that safety always comes first.
The wife said: “Bulls can engage in sexual activity more than 20 times in a day. I wish you could do that…”
And the husband replied: "Just remember they do it with more than one cow…"
In the end, he came around.
I have no idea, I just fly the drone.
I hope he likes them
He is walking on the sidewalk when a demon from hell appears. The demon says “I will give you $100,000, but you must give me your wife.” The man ponders the offer for a few seconds, then says “Okay, what’s the catch?”
Sorry that came out wrong. I am giving up. Drinking for a month.
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Like roman numerals.
You Owe Me One, Kenobi
They always spike the drinks.
The rest of your life.
It writes other words too
The vet says, “What seems to be the problem?” The cat says, “Meow.” The vet says, “Okay, where?”
It was sole destroying.
The experience was jarring.