A man phoned to find out whether he could get insurance if the nearby volcano erupted…
They assured him he would be covered…
I thought, "I can't turn that down."
Sails are through the roof.
Turns out, Israel
I can do it with my eyes closed!
…. I would have to change my name.
Guess you could say I’m now… Illegally Blonde
But seriously, thank you to everyone on this sub. I end my class periods with a joke of the day every day and I usually take them from here. There is never a day where the students don't unanimously sigh at the punch line!
Just bought a new ‘Lesbian Bed’ from Ikea. Instructions say no nuts or screwing involved. It’s all tongue and groove.
For example: Ben is in a hurry. Vs Ben is in a comma
One Saturday night, he hears a knock on the door. He answers to see a young man, who says, "Hi I'm Eddie. I'm here for Betty. We're going out for spaghetti. Is she ready?" The father nods and calls her down. After a while he hears another knock on the door. The young man says, "Hi I'm Joe. I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show. Is she ready to go?" The father nods and calls his daughter. After a while he hears another knock on the door. The young man says, "Hi I'm Chuck…" The father punches him in the face.
Guess who came crawling back
The experience was jarring.
Now it’s worth $875,000
him: Knock knock me: Who's there? him: A snail me: a snail who? him: a snail you threw out of the window two weeks ago asking why
The p is silent.
Because then we’d have corona with Lyme
Success is like pregnancy. Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it.
Igloo it back together again.
I was the control group.
He said I had athlete's foot. I've only been training for 3 days so didn't think anyone would notice
He opens a clinic and puts a sign outside. 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 – IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.' A lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic. Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste." Doc; "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth." Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene." Doc; "Splendid, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20." The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money. Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything." Doc; "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth." Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste." Doc; "Awesome, You got your memory back. Give me $20." The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100. Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all." Doc; "oh well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100." Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!" Doc; "Spectacular, your eyesight is restored. Now you owe me $20"
Dip both your hands in fresh cow dung before going out. This will make sure that a) you will not touch your eyes, nose, ear or mouth. b) nobody will shake hands with you. c) Nobody will come near you when you are out in the streets. d) You will wash your hands thoroughly before you eat.
I can’t express how angry I am.
The old one just wasn't cutting it anymore.
If you dont have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
It's not hard
So i stole her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back
Me: "It means 'happy," Son: "Oh, so are you gay, then?" Me: "No, son, I have a wife."