A man returns home early from work one afternoon to find his wife spread out on the bed naked, puffing and panting.
“What are you doing?” the man inquires. “Err,” she stammers back. “I… um… I think I’m having a heart attack!” “Oh,” cries the gullible husband, “quick, I’ll call an ambulance!”
He runs downstairs, picks up the phone and begins dialing 911, when his son Johnny appears, sobbing his little heart out. “What’s the matter, son?” asks the father. “Uncle James is in the closet with no clothes on, Daddy,” replies his tearful toddler. Enraged, the man runs back upstairs, flings open the wardrobe and finds his brother there absolutely naked, just as his son had said.
“You bastard, Jim,” screams the man. “My wife is over there having a heart attack and you’re running around naked scaring Johnny!”
Because I'm lack-toes intolerant.
The bartender replies "For you? No charge."
He must have realised that marriage counted as a union
and the other duplikate.
Thank god im homeschooled or that could have been wierd
They said, "Thanks." "Don't mention it," I answered.
But he came in fifth and won a toaster.
Unless you’re prepared to handle the reaper cushions.
Before our hike, my wife offered my sister-in-law some fruit. She said "no thanks, I had a pear on the way here." Without skipping a beat, I said "you mean you came pre-peared?"
I refuse to associate with a Hulu-cost denier.
While reading an article about fathers and sons drinking together, I remembered the time I took my daughter out for her first drink. Off we went to our local bar only two blocks from the house. I got her a Guinness. She didn't like it, so I drank it. Then I got her a Killian's she didn't like that either, so I drank it. Finally, I thought she might like some Harp Lager? She didn't. I drank it. I thought maybe she'd like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson's; nope! In desperation, I had her try that 25 year old Glenfiddich. The bar's finest scotch. She wouldn't even smell it. What could I do but drink it! By the time I realized she just didn't like to drink, I was so shit-faced I could hardly push her stroller back home!
It turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time
When it becomes apparent.
"Since when do you wear womens pants?" "Since my wife found them in the glove compartment!"
A prick I’m deeply sorry
So I handed her the divorce papers and said “may div orce be with you”
Because you’re supposed to eat three squares meals a day.
No text found
He tried everything. Different positions, speeds, different lubes, even different music playing in the background. Nothing worked. Finally, she complains that she's just too hot during sex, and being all sweaty kills the mood. So not having an electric fan to cool them down, Tim invites his roommate Big Jake in and asks him to fan them with a towel while they make love. Jake agrees. So Tim's fucking away while Jake stands there fanning the two of them with a towel. Still nothing. The girl doesn't even come close to climaxing. Finally after half an hour, Jake humbly suggests, "I think I know what's wrong. Maybe we should switch just once." Tim is desperate to finally please his woman, so he agrees. Jake climbs on and starts fucking Tim's girl while Tim stands there fanning with the towel. Within minutes, she's having multiple screaming, moaning, thrashing, squirting orgasms as Big Jake thrusts away. Tim grins, triumphantly. "You see, Jake!" he says. "Now this is how you fan a girl with a towel!"
It means a lot to him
Well, a dad joke meets yo momma joke and then they knock knock.
Mr. Bigger's baby because he's a little bigger.
So I got all of his old Beyblades out the attic.
me: i'm terrified of random letters therapist: you are? me: [screams] therapist: oh i see me: [screaming intensifies]
My wife caught me pissing in the kitchen sink, and got really mad at me. “You fucking prick, that’s so inappropriate!” she screamed. “Well, so is washing the baby in there, but I don’t angry at you about that!” I shouted back.
I think she realised she'd lost the argument, because she didn't even reply. She just lifted the baby out of the sink and went upstairs…
Guess that makes him Kim Jong-Ill now.
More on this story later…
You have a one-track mind.
*break bread* This is my body *pours wine* This is my blood *open jar of mayo* Judas: I'm gonna stop you right there