A man sits next to another man on the train and pulls out a photo of his wife “isn’t she beautiful?”
Other man: “If you think she’s beautiful you should see my wife” First man: “Why? Is she a stunner?” Other man: “No, she’s an ophthalmologist”
Blunt: Hey what the fuck man
They don’t fuck around.
It was soda pressing.
It writes other words too.
New Jersey, I'm in New Jersey
Because you can’t see in the dark
Only the Sith deal in Absolut.
One. Men can be Feminists, too.
But cocaine is where I draw the line.
Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?" Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter." Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister." The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later: Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!" Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?" Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter." Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister." This went on a few more times, and finally the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying. Son: "Mom, I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls and I can't date any of them because dad is their father!" The mother hugs him affectionately and says, "You can date whoever you want. He isn't your father!"
But the contractor kept cutting corners.
Buyer: "How much does it cost to buy a singing ensemble?" Seller: "You mean a choir?" Buyer: *visibly frustrated* "Fine, how much does it cost to acquire a singing ensemble?"
I was in Daniel…
No wait, she’s back She just went to make a cup of coffee
The cornea the better
Like homie what were you doing in the closet that whole time
By then he’s a mile away, you have got his shoes, and your can fucking say whatever you want about the cunt.
This just happened 2 minutes ago. I’m visiting my brother today , dec 29. His wife asked for some shopping cash and I heard him say: “Don’t spend it all at once, this money needs to last us till next year” Ps. He’s been a father for 5 years now
Me: I don't know, he just ransomware.
He told me a Knock Knock joke, and I refused to answer.
To make it more classy…
Why does Batman only wear dark colors? Easy. Batman doesn’t want to get shot. Why does Robin only wear bright colors?
Easy. Batman doesn't want to get shot.
I said "No, I think all kids smell like that"
I'll shoot first.
It means a lot to them.
Arnold from marketing on the 7th floor. Fuck you dude, that’s disgusting. I know you sort by new and can see this. Wash your hands and Lysol your keyboard.
With Christmas coming up, my wife asked our 3 year old what do you know about Jesus? To which she replies “well I know he’s a bad driver and a moron”
Because every time I'm in the car with Daddy, all he ever says is "Jesus Christ learn how to drive you freaking moron"
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared. Then you energy…
I think they're intoxicating people.
Now that's what I call seizing the day.
I’m going to put my glasses on…