A man sits next to another man on the train and pulls out a photo of his wife “isn’t she beautiful?”
Other man: “If you think she’s beautiful you should see my wife” First man: “Why? Is she a stunner?” Other man: “No, she’s an ophthalmologist”
*Hits Blunt*
Blunt: Hey what the fuck man
LPT: For your safety, try not to mess with asexual people.
They don’t fuck around.
Did you hear about the guy who was killed in the can crusher?
It was soda pressing.
I just bought a pen that writes underwater!
It writes other words too.
My body is in a disgusting, embarrassing, totally repulsive state right now
New Jersey, I'm in New Jersey
Why is dark spelled with a k and not with a c?
Because you can’t see in the dark
What type of doctor works after hours?
An On-Call-ogist
Why can’t you ever find vodka in a Jedi bar?
Only the Sith deal in Absolut.
How many Feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One. Men can be Feminists, too.
I am ok with alcohol, cigarettes, and even marijuana.
But cocaine is where I draw the line.
Son: “Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl!”
Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?" Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter." Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister." The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later: Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!" Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?" Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter." Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister." This went on a few more times, and finally the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying. Son: "Mom, I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls and I can't date any of them because dad is their father!" The mother hugs him affectionately and says, "You can date whoever you want. He isn't your father!"
TIL the Pentagon was supposed to be the Octagon.
But the contractor kept cutting corners.
Two men are discussing a business transaction.
Buyer: "How much does it cost to buy a singing ensemble?" Seller: "You mean a choir?" Buyer: *visibly frustrated* "Fine, how much does it cost to acquire a singing ensemble?"
I refused to believe I was gay and dyslexic…..
I was in Daniel…
What’s blue and not very heavy?
Light blue.
What does Trump call kayaks?
Fake canoes
My wife left me because I’m too insecure
No wait, she’s back She just went to make a cup of coffee
I love jokes about the eyes.
The cornea the better
Gay people have no excuse to have a bad fashion sense
Like homie what were you doing in the closet that whole time
Never say anything bad about a man until you have walked a mile in his shoes.
By then he’s a mile away, you have got his shoes, and your can fucking say whatever you want about the cunt.
My brother’s first dad joke
This just happened 2 minutes ago. I’m visiting my brother today , dec 29. His wife asked for some shopping cash and I heard him say: “Don’t spend it all at once, this money needs to last us till next year” Ps. He’s been a father for 5 years now
Officer: Where did the hacker escape to?
Me: I don't know, he just ransomware.
My friend, who is a Jehovah’s Witness, is really mad at me.
He told me a Knock Knock joke, and I refused to answer.
Put some desks and a blackboard in my living room today…
To make it more classy…
Why does Batman only wear dark colors? Easy. Batman doesn’t want to get shot. Why does Robin only wear bright colors?
Easy. Batman doesn't want to get shot.
My wife asked me if I thought our kids were spoiled
I said "No, I think all kids smell like that"
What did Han Solo say to Greedo before they played a game of Horse?
I'll shoot first.
I’ve started saying “mucho” to all of my Mexican friends.
It means a lot to them.
What do you call a person who doesn’t wash his hands after pooping?
Arnold from marketing on the 7th floor. Fuck you dude, that’s disgusting. I know you sort by new and can see this. Wash your hands and Lysol your keyboard.
With Christmas coming up, my wife asked our 3 year old what do you know about Jesus? To which she replies “well I know he’s a bad driver and a moron”
Because every time I'm in the car with Daddy, all he ever says is "Jesus Christ learn how to drive you freaking moron"
You Matter!
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared. Then you energy…
My friend said that all bartenders are boring, which was a bit cynical in my eyes.
I think they're intoxicating people.
My uncle once had a 24-hour epileptic episode.
Now that's what I call seizing the day.
Just so everybody’s clear…
I’m going to put my glasses on…
I don’t trust umbrellas.
They're shady.
