A man spending his first night in prison hears other inmates calling out numbers, followed by laughter.
The next day he starts talking to one of the inmates and asks about it.
The inmate explains that after a few years there was no new jokes so they decided to just number all the good ones, that way they could save time in telling the joke.
That night the inmates are calling out numbers again followed by great bouts of laughter. Wanting to fit in the man calls out '22'. Everything goes quiet and the man doesn't understand why.
The next day he asks his new friend what went wrong, "was 22 not a funny joke?"
"22 is one of the best jokes" came the reply.
"Why did no one laugh then?" Said the man
"It was the way you told it."
My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo.
So I had to put my foot down.
One piece of advice my dad always gave me is to learn early from your mistakes.
Probably why I’m the only child.
not saying new and innovative studies are wrong, but you know which sort of people i mean
https://ift.tt/2TQ7nxa
Within minutes, the detective knew exactly what the murder weapon was…
It was a brief case…
The Logical Redneck
Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic. "What's Logic?" the first redneck asks. The professor answers by saying, "Let me give you an example." "Do you own a weedeater?" "I sure do." "Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor. "That's real good!" says the redneck. The professor continues, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house." Impressed, the redneck says, "Amazin!" "And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife." "That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" The redneck is obviously catching on. "Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor. "You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I can't wait to take that logic class!!" The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into the hallway, where his friend is still waiting. "So what classes are ya takin'?" asks the friend. "Math, History, and Logic!" replies the first redneck. "What in tarnation is logic???" asked his friend. "Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weedeater?" asked the first redneck. "No," his friend replied. "Fag."
Why does the Prime Minister keep all his meetings post noon?
Because he is a PM, not an AM
What do you call someone with no body and no nose?
…. Nobody knows.
I don’t like braille porn
It's all fingering.
Dwayne Johnson paid me to clean up and organize his craft room, but sadly, I lost his scrapbook cutting tool.
I lost the Rock’s paper scissors.
What is the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.
College Classes
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A smart-*** student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'
The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week.
There was no coffin at the funeral.
Why can’t Russia have a female president?
Because Putin is not a woman.
How does an ant put on a tie?
With a considerable deal of practice and skill and the correct combination of knots in the tie so it can properly be secured on the neck. It's an ant-tie joke.
People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
I’ve been accused of stealing other people’s jokes
This post says otherwise
This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes, he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall…
He asks the bartender, "What's that?" The bartender replies, "It's a moose." The Scottish chap shouts back, "How big are the cats!?"
What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire ?
“Same time next month?”
It was a boys first day on the pirate ship.
He asked the Pirate Captain. “Why do you have a wooden leg?” The Pirate Captain replied. “Argh. I was swimming in the ocean and a shark bit me leg off so I have this wooden peg to replace what’s gone”. The boy then asked. “Why do you have a hook for a hand?” The Pirate Captain said. “Argh. I was swimming in the ocean and a shark bit me hand off so I have this hook to replace what’s gone”. The boy finally asked. “Why do you have a glass eye?” The Pirate Captain lowered his head slightly and replied. “A grain of sand blew up off the deck and got in me eye”. The boy stood there confused. The Pirate Captain, raising his head back up, said to the boy. “Argh. It was me first day with the hook”.
What do you call a hippies’ wife?
Mississippi
What is a pirate’s average grade ?
Somewhere in the high c's.
A JFK conspiracy theorist dies and goes to heaven
When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, God is there to receive him. "Welcome. You are permitted to ask me one question, which I will answer truthfully." Without hesitating, the conspiracy theorist asks, "Who really shot Kennedy?" God replies, "Lee Harvey Oswald shot him from sixth floor of the Texas School Book Depository. There were no accomplices. He acted alone" The conspiracy theorist pauses, thinks to himself, then says "Shit! This goes higher up than I thought…"
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees the man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of her car and asks the man what's wrong. "I feel terrible," he explains,"I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight. The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit!?" The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says… Hair Spray — Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave.
A girl invited me to have sex on her Honda Civic
But i like to have sex on my own Accord
