A man stood in the plane and shouted “Hijack”…
All the passengers got scared….
Then from the other side of the plane a guy shouted back…"Hey Dave".
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop.
It was sole destroying.
Will glass coffins be a success???
Remains to be seen.
A programmer was arrested for writing unreadable code
He refused to comment
My wife told me that I have a dad bod
I disagree. I clearly have a father figure
My friend was fired from his lumberjack job after failing to cut down a tree 8 times…
He had exceeded the maximum number of loggin' attempts.
All of my friends have such expansive bucket lists.
Mine is just a little pail in comparison.
#929: A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their 9 children.
A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "You know if you put a piece of rubber on the end of your stick I wouldn't have to listen to that tapping." The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the fucking bus.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization
As the storm raged,the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. So he shouted out, "Anyone here know how to pray?" Just one guy stepped forward and said, "Aye, captain,I know how to pray." "Good,"said the captain, "You pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets – we're one short."
“OMG! There’s a wolf!”
"Where?" "No. Just the regular kind."
Daughter’s vibrator
A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. What are you doing?" she exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" he exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. "What are you doing?" she exclaimed. He replied…………"Watching the game with my son-in-law."
I’ve started saying “mucho” to all of my Mexican friends.
It means a lot to them.
The snow yeti stopped doing sas-squats and started doing sit ups.
Now he's the Abdominal Snowman.
My wife told me that if I bought her one more idiotic gift, she’ll just burn it.
So I bought her a candle.
Dont get mad at lazy people
They didn't do anything.
Whats you father’s occupation?
Asked the school secretary, filling in the forms at the start of the academic year. "He's a magician," said the small boy. "How interesting! What's his favorite trick? "Sawing people in half." "Really? Now, next question. Any brothers or sisters?' "Yes, one half brother and two half-sisters."
Why do astronomers put beef in their shampoo?
For meatier showers
What do you call a dyslexic atheist?
A person who doesn't believe in dog.
I lift weights only on Saturday and Sunday…
…because Monday to Friday are weak days…
Some may find it funny, some may find it sad. I make all of these out of dead rats!
https://ift.tt/2W2uLri
Going into my son’s room is the same as going to Ikea
You go in just to see what's new and come out with 10 plates 3 cups and a pair of socks.
A nun decides before she dies she wants to have sex
So she asks a woman for advice, the woman tells her she wants to find a man that has a big dick. The nun says how will I know if a man has a big dick just by looking at him? The woman tells the nun you can tell by the shoe size. The nun searches the city to find the man with the biggest shoes in town. Once she finds him she tells him she wants to lose her virginity to him. After they have sex the nun takes him home, reaches into her purse and gives the man $100. The man says “wow I got to take your virginity and you will pay me the sex must’ve been amazing “ The nun tells the man “ No the money is for you to buy some smaller shoes.”
Two hillbillies walk into a restauarant
While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head "NO". The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the food flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I never seen nobody done it.
A German, an Italian, a Frenchman, and an Englishme
…are debating philosophy. The question arises over the course of their debates: what separates man from the animals? "Technology," says the German. "Other creatures have tools, yet none can match the heights of engineering we have accomplished. It is our industry that separates us from the beasts." "I disagree," announces the Italian. "It is our food. The creatures of the wild eat, but they do not cook. Humans on the other hand, create amazing dishes and new combination that make eating a most enjoyable experience." "I say it's art," decides the Frenchman. "No other being can create art. From our earliest days we have painted, and now we sculpt, write and compose as well. The wild animals cannot ever know what it is like to cry over a beautiful piece of art." All three now look towards the Englishman, expecting his answer. He takes a long sip of tea before answering, "The Channel".
My sister bet me I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti…
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
Doctor : Does it hurt?
Mother : Yes, a lot. Doctor : So are we vaccinating the baby, or should I slap you again?
Which side of a cheetah has the most spots?
The outside!
If you rearrange the letters of POSTMEN
they become VERY ANGRY
How do you tell the sex of an ant
Drop it in water. If it’s a girl: girl ant. If it’s a boy …
I’ve been searching for my stolen bed
and I won't rest until I find it.
I don’t get why Marvel didn’t put advertisements on the Hulk
He's essentially a giant banner
If you’re not part of the solution,
you're part of the precipitate.