A man takes his seat at the NBA final. He looks over and notices there’s an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.
The man says, "Who would ever miss the NBA final?”
The guy replies, "Well that was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last four NBA finals together, but sadly she passed away.”
The man says back, "That’s terrible, but couldn’t you get another close family member to come with you?”
The guy says, "No. They're all at the funeral."
Tell the Punchline first.
How do you ruin a joke?
I’ll do algebra and geometry
But graphing is where I draw the line
The wife asked if she could wear one of my wife beaters today…
I was like "Yeah, knock yourself out".
My wife asked me if she could have some peace and quiet while she tried to cook dinner.
So i took the batteries out of the smoke alarm
Why did the first people to fly a plane succeed?
They were Wright
Samsung know I once bought one of their phones but they’re a bit sketchy on the details.
https://ift.tt/2ZvIt7n
I hate Russian dolls.
They're so full of themselves.
I don’t have a “Dad Bod”
I have a father figure
what do you call 2 transgender midgets who are having sex?
a micro transaction
I can cut a log in half just by looking at it
It's not impossible, I saw it with my own two eyes.
Neil Diamond used to be called Neil Coal…
…until the pressure got to him.
From a young age I wanted to play guitar very badly.
After decades of dedicated and concentrated practice, I finally achieved my goal. I can play guitar very badly.
Did you know that Iceland…
…is only one sea away from Ireland?
What’s the difference between a shitty golfer and a shitty skydiver?
The shitty golfer goes, -WHAM!- "FUCK!" The shitty skydiver goes, "FUCK!" -WHAM!-
Does anyone know if its possible to get a skin graft from my butt to a close acquaintance?
Arse skin for a friend.
An engineer dies and is sent to hell
He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels. One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's up? The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer." "What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately." The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him." God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!" The Devil laughs. "Where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
Hillary under investigation=guilty, but Trump under investigation=witch hunt.
https://ift.tt/2WLlJPk
What do you call a deer wearing an explosive vest?
Bombi. EDIT: Wow this blew up
Why does Reddit have 2 d’s?
The second one is a repost….
With great reflexes…
Comes great response ability.
A man loses his job and REALLY needs money.
He is walking on the sidewalk when a demon from hell appears. The demon says “I will give you $100,000, but you must give me your wife.” The man ponders the offer for a few seconds, then says “Okay, what’s the catch?”
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy…
There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community… If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave. The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate. On the chosen day, the Pope and the Rabbi sat opposite each other The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger. Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. The Rabbi pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy! Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened. The Pope said, 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.' 'Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.' 'Finally, I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.' 'He bested me at every move and I could not continue!' Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he had won. 'I don't have a clue!!!' the Rabbi said. 'First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger.' Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, so I told him that we were staying right here. 'And then what?' asked a woman. 'Who knows…' said the Rabbi. 'He took out his lunch, so I took out mine!'
Three scientists in a car
So the three scientists, Heisenberg, Schrödinger, and Ohm are in a car on the highway. They get pulled over by a cop and the cop goes up to Heisenberg who is driving and asks “do you know how fast you were going?” Heisenberg says, “no, but I know where I am”. The cop replies “well you were going 70 in a 35 zone” and Heisenberg says “great! Now I’m lost!” Anyways, the cop is suspicious so asks to check the trunk of the car. He comes back and says “hey, you know there’s a dead cat back there?” and Schrödinger replies “great! You’ve ruined the whole thing!”. So the cop is fed up, he pulls Heisenberg out and arrests him, and does the same with Schrödinger, but had a problem with Ohm because he resisted.
A one-man police department was disbanded. The chief left the town meeting in his underwear
https://ift.tt/2SJYMM4
What’s the difference between a hot potato and a flying pig.
One’s a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham.
Why did Italy surrender in WW2?
Because Italics aren't bold
I got my dad a mathematician/prostitute for his birthday.
it's the thot that counts.
A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building…
He yells "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"
I am suspicious that someone in my family has been secretly adding glue to my weapons collection.
Everyone denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.
Why does Waldo wear stripes?
He didn't want to be spotted
What does orange juice and my dad have in common?
They both slap harder when mixed with alcohol.
A bottle of coke just fell out of the fridge onto my foot.
I’m so glad it was a soft drink
My time machine broke, so I took it to the time machine repairman.
He just walked up to it, kicked it and said “they sure don’t make them like they will do soon.”
How do you get a mouse to smile
You say Cheese!
Just found out why my toast kept getting burnt
My toaster had pop-up blocker on.
Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she won’t think twice…
Call a girl fat once and she’ll always remember. Because elephants never forget Edit: Thanks for the upvotes, I needed this for a challenge on r/ModMurder
But then you realise it’s the only worthwhile thing you can do as a CS major.
https://ift.tt/2rLQp7v
