A man takes his seat at the Superbowl. He looks over and notices there’s an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.
The man says, "Who would ever miss the Superbowl?”
The guy replies, "Well that was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last five Superbowls together, but sadly she passed away.”
The man says back, "That’s terrible, but couldn’t you get another close family member to come with you?”
The guy says, "No. They're all at the funeral."
Did you hear about the great Duct Tape Heist?
No one knows how they pulled it off.
My grandfather’s broken watch is as relevant to my family today as it was to him 50 years ago.
It’s a timeless piece, really.
Texted my dad to figure out what we wanted to eat for dinner, and got this one
Me: "So, what do you want to do for dinner?" Him: "Eat, lol. You?"
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school yesterday?
He is fine. He woke up
I used to smoke weed and go to the class…
Sneak in ten minutes late with a bullshit excuse. Slink down low at my desk. Pray to God nobody asked me any questions. I was the best teacher ever.
My girlfriend was shouting “Give it to me now! I’m so fucking wet!”
I simply told her “This umbrella is mine. Go get your own.”
Why nice guys finish last & Why Abundance Is So important in business, in life and in RELATIONSHIPS!
So just wanted to break down “Why Nice Guys Finish Last” to you guys. The “Nice guy” is AGREEABLE to everything. When you are agreeable to everything you are giving all your power away. You are less likely to lead, you are less likely to be ASSERTIVE and you are less lIKELY to be DOMINANT. The nice Guys Lacks Confidence and power. The number one trait women are attracted too is confidence. In the animal kingdom only the strong survives and gets the mate. Women need a men who provides and protects her and a nice guy just comes off as weak. https://youtu.be/eofqXOi1Fdw
People write “congrats” because
they don't know how to spell congrajlashins.
My wife told me, “ Don’t get upset if someone calls you fat.”
“You’re much bigger than that.”
I saw a woman with 12 breasts the other day…
Sounds weird, dozen tit?
Why does Snoop Dogg have an umbrella?
Fo' drizzle.
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall down a cliff.
Baa-Dumm-Tsssss
I yelled “cow!” at a woman on a bike and she gave me the finger.
Then she plowed her bike straight into the cow.
You know what tv show predicted Trump’s election?
Orange is the new black.
How did the Himalayan man jump higher than mount Everest?
Well, that's easy. Mountains can't jump.
I’ve just discovered that I have a logic fetish
I can't stop coming to conclusions
Sadly, I’ve lost 20% of my sight
Sigh…..
How do you handle a redhead’s temper?
Gingerly.
I took our body weight scale out to weigh myself
And after stepping on the scale I pulled in my stomach, to which my girlfriend reacted: "you know that doesn't help at all". I told her "sure it does, now I can see the numbers"
What Do You Call Slutty Potatoes?
Tater Thots
I have no problem getting dates online.
I also have great luck with pistachios, cashews and almonds.
The Island Joke.
There was an island with three kingdoms on it. Let's call them A, B and C. The island had a fresh water lake on it and the lake itself had an island. The three kingdoms always kept fighting over this island. One day the three kingdoms decided to settle this dispute once it for all and sent small portions of their armies. Kingdom A sent 15 knights and 25 squires; kingdom B send 20 knights and 25 squires and Kingdom C sent one knight and one squire. The knights decided among themselves that this fighting was beneath them and decided to let the squires settle things by themselves. While the squires of Kingdom A and Kingdom B were warming up, the squire of Kingdom C erected a tall pole, tied a noose to it and hung a pot in the noose. When they actually started fighting, the squire of kingdom C was able to successfully fight off all the other squires, because the squire of the high-pot-and-noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.
If a is for Apple and b is for banana….what is c for?
Plastic explosives