A man takes his wife to get tested
Two days later, he gets a call from the lab.
Doctor: I'm sorry to inform you that your wife's test results were mixed up with another patient's. We're not sure if she has COVID-19 or Alzheimer's disease.
Man: So what am I supposed to do now?
Doctor: Take her for long walk and leave her. If she finds her way back home, don't open the door.
I wasn’t sure if I should post this here, because it’s only funny under certain circumstances
certain circumstances funny
Why can’t you give credit to elbow for bending the arm?
Because it's a Joint effort
How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to promise a brighter future and the rest to screw it up.
My family was cracking up while eating eggs for breakfast this morning
They were great yolks
I asked my wife if I was the only one she’d been with
She said yes, all the others had been nines and tens
Rest in peace to boiling water
You will be mist
My wife walked in on me masturbating to an optical illusion
I said "Honey, it's not what it looks like!"
NSFW. What’s the difference between a Budweiser and a clitoris?
A clitoris only tastes like piss for a second.
Give a man porn flick and he’ll masturbate for a day…
… Give a man a wife and he'll masturbate for a lifetime.
My partner and I can never agree on vacations.
I want to go to exotic islands and stay in 5 star hotels. She wants to come with me.
My wife believes she’s a satellite radio.
At first I thought she was kidding, but apparently she's sirius.
What’s up doc?
I tried to sneak into a Star Trek convention disguised as a doctor but the security guard suspected I wasn't the real McCoy.
The local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the city’s most successful lawyer.
So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community?. The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long painful illness, and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?' Embarrassed, the rep mumbles, 'Uh… No, I didn't know that.' 'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother, a disabled Veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children? The stricken rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again 'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?' The humiliated rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry. I had no idea. And the lawyer says, 'So, if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?
Where do horses go when they get sick?
To the horspital! Just kidding, they get shot.
Do you know what is the worst part about being an egg?
You get laid only once
If Wonder Woman walks around aimlessly, she is
Wander Woman.
To save money I made myself a pair of glasses out of 2 old ketchup bottles.
In Heinz-sight I should have just bought a proper pair
Rolled my first joint last night.
God my ankle hurts this morning.
I met a man standing on one leg at an ATM. I asked him what he was doing.
He said “Oh, I was just checking my balance”
Got a new job at Gatwick Airport. I patrol the runways on a horse and shoot down any illegal flying devices in the area.
I'll be known as The Drone Ranger.
Since it started raining my wife just stares sadly through the stupid window …
If it gets any worse, I guess I’ll have to let her in.
My brother couldn’t pay his water bill.
So I sent him a “get well soon” card.
Did you know if you rearrange all the letters in the Post Office
They get really annoyed
Why are gays bad at poker?
They can't keep a straight face
What do antioxidants and dictators have in common?
They both eliminate free radicals.
No picture cause idk what I’m doing
Me: Has autoimmune diseaseMy immune system: Im gonna do what’s called a pro gamer move
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 ate(8) 9. But why did 7 eat 9? Because you have to eat 3 squared meals a day.
How come teddy bears don’t eat anything?
Because they are always stuffed!
We’ve all been here
We’ve all been here
My Tinder bio says that I have a corner office with views of the entire city, drive a $500,000 vehicle, and that I’m paid to travel.
My dates never seem too happy when I tell them I'm a bus driver.
An invisible man marries an invisible woman…
The kids weren't much to look at!