A man tried to sell me a coffin today. I told him that’s the last thing I need.
This joke has me dead.
Roses are red,
My screen is blue, I think I deleted system32.
r/PoliticalHumor 2019 Best Of Awards!
It’s time for Reddit’s Best of 2019 Awards.What a year it’s been here in r/politicalhumor, thanks to everyone for participating.Make your nominations here and/or upvote your favorites.You are welcome to categorize your nominations, i.e:Best PostBest CommentBest of YearOnly one nomination per comment. Please do not nominate yourself. You may only nominate submissions made in 2019.This thread is set to contest mode which sorts comments randomly and hides vote scores. In January, the votes will be tallied and a results thread will be posted. We will give reddit gold to the top submissions!
The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican
When the Pope answers the door, Dopey steps forward and nervously asks "Your Excellency, I wonder if you could tell me if there are any dwarf nuns in Rome?" "No Dopey, I don't think there are," the Pope replies. The other six dwarfs start to giggle. "Well, are there any dwarf nuns in Italy?" Dopey persists. "No, none in all of Italy," the Pope answers more sternly. The dwarfs begin to laugh even more. "Are there any dwarf nuns in Europe?" This time the Pope is much more firm. "Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe." By now, the other dwarfs are laughing aloud. "Your Excellency," Dopey demands. "Are there any dwarf nuns in the whole world?" "No Dopey, " the Pope snaps. "There are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world!" The six dwarfs start jumping up and down, chanting "Dopey fucked a penguin! Dopey fucked a penguin!"
Thanos’ finger snap would have a greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared.
Apparently only DC movies can do that.
What is Beethoven’s favourite fruit?
Ba na na na
What does the clock do when it’s hungry?
It goes back four seconds.
I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg.
I said to him, “I bet I know what your favorite Christian festival is.” He said, “Have to love Easter, baby.”
I’ve been playing Tetris a lot lately.
It was a bit difficult at first but now everything's falling into place.
There are more intersex people than trans people in America, link in comments
There are more intersex people than trans people in America, link in comments
What do you call a 3.14m long snake?
A πthon.
Gay jokes aren’t funny
Cum on guys
Why is McDonald’s so exact about how many French fries they give you?
They operate on a shoestring budget.
I asked my friend if he knew a pachyderm famous for its trunk. He suggested Dumbo.
But that was Ear-Elephant.
I was using ancestry.com and I found out that my great grandfather was from Transylvania.
Now I can’t even look myself in the mirror.
My book on clocks just arrived.
It’s about time.
NSFW – A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter’s bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.
What are you doing?" she exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" he exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. "What are you doing?" she exclaimed. He replied…………"Watching the game with my son-in-law."
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
He Never Lands! I like this joke because it never grows old 🙂
My boss called this morning and shouted,
“Where the fuck are you? It’s 8:30 and you were supposed to start at 8.” “Relax, I’m in my office.” I replied. “Quit the shit!” he roared. “I’m standing in your office.” So I went, “Oh, sorry mate, I forgot to tell you about my new job.”
Why is women’s soccer so rare?
It’s hard finding enough women willing to wear the same outfit.
Recently took a poll.
99% of people were annoyed when their tent fell down.
Ironman’s favorite Christmas present this year were rockets he can fire from his feet.
He calls them missle toes.
I had a bunch of books fall on me
I only have my shelf to blame.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field.
But hay, it’s in my jeans.
If a cowboy is happy
Does that make him a jolly rancher?
What do you dip the worlds largest mozzarella stick in?
The Marinara Trench
I didn’t think vodka could help my problems
But it was worth a shot
Right after takeoff, a pilot comes on the microphone to welcome his passengers. “Thank you for flying with us. The weather is….”
Then he suddenly starts screaming while still on the mic, “OH MY GOD! IT IS BURNING!!, IT IS BURNING!” Then silence. A few seconds later, he comes back on and says, “I’m terribly sorry about what happened. I spilled some scorching hot coffee on my lap…you should see my pants!!” A voice from the back of the plane yelled, “Why don’t you come here and see ours?”
My friend set me up on a blind date with her vegetarian friend but I’m kind of nervous…
I’ve never met herbivore.
A blind guy walks into a bar…
…and a table…and a chair…
Why couldn’t Peter Pan ever be a comedian?
Because his jokes Neverland 😀
Carrots may be good for your eyes…
But whiskey will double your vision.
Why are so many plants transgendered?
Because plants have less stygma to stamen.
What do you call a headless duck?
A duck that didnt duck
Did you know that diarrhea is genetic?
It runs in your jeans
I have my grandma on speed-dial
Call it Instagram