A man walked into a hardware store, picked up a can of fly spray and asked the assistant, “Is this good for wasps?”
"No, it kills them."
I got an email that said “You have won £36,769,011. To complete the transaction we will need your bank details.”
"Certainly," I replied. "It's a big building with money inside."
I asked my wife if I was the only one she’s been with.
She said, "Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights".
Two men are playing golf.
Two men are playing golf. One of them is about to take a swing when a funeral procession appears on the road next to the course. He stops mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in contemplation. His opponent comments: "That must be the most touching thing I’ve ever seen. You are a very feeling man." The man, recovering himself, replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
It was Monday and John called his boss because he was sick.
"Boss, can I get a day off? I'm sick today." "No problem, you will make it up when you feel better. Is it something serious and will you be gone for a longer period?", the boss asked. "I'll be coming in tomorrow, don't worry" John replied."Great, I will see you tomorrow then." Then it was Tuesday. John came to job, in perfect health, thanked the boss for the day off and was working as usual. So the week passed, then the weekend and it was already next Monday. "Boss, I'm sorry to call you again, but can I get this Monday off as well? I'm sick." A bit weird, two Mondays in a row, but what can you do, the boss thought. It's just a coincidence. "Sure, no problem. You'll make it up when you're feeling better", the boss replied. And so came Tuesday. Boss was worried about John, but didn't want to pry, so he let it slide. John worked as usual that time, and for the rest of the week. Then, the next Monday arrived. "Boss, I'm really sorry, but can I have this Monday off as well?" John asked. Boss knew something was off, but better not to have John around sick he though, if he was even really sick, so he decided to talk in private, after John was feeling better. "Ok John", the boss replied. "This is getting weird but you just rest, you can't function while you're sick. I suppose I'll see you tomorrow?". "Yes, I'll be coming tomorrow as usual. John was at work the next day so boss decided to find out what was going on. "John, we need to talk. One Monday is not a problem, two Mondays in a row are a bit weird but things happen, but three Mondays are no coincidence. What is happening? I need an explanation." The boss was not happy at all. John decided to be honest. "Well, here is the thing. Every Monday, before work, I go to my cousin for a cup of tea. Every time we start drinking tea, chatting, and we always end up having sex." "Oh my god! Sex, with your cousin? You're sick!" "Well I told you so!" Sorry if I misspelled something, heard the joke it in my native language.
I asked my amputee daughter if she could guess what we are having for dinner tonight
She replied with "I don't know dad I'm stumped"
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
The Mechanical engineer says "It's a broken starter". The Electrical engineer says "Dead battery". The Chemical engineer says "Impurities in the gasoline". The IT engineer says "Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in".
I just bought a movie with 3.142 stars out of 5
It was a pi rated DVD
Where were the first French fries made?
…in grease
I was banging this hot chick on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open.
She said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the backdoor." Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that everyday.
I said to my wife “When I die,” I’d like to die having sex”
She replied "At least we know it'll be quick"
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up everything inside is numbered." The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded." The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order." The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over." But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine. Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable."
My neighbors started makes sex videos.
They just don't know it yet.
what did batman say to robin before they got in the batmobile?
“robin, get in the batmobile”
The Silver Surfer and Iron Man teamed up…
They formed an alloy-ence
There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator
only a fraction of people will get this joke
People say I’m a plagiarist…
Their words, not mine.
I feel like a car with twenty wheels today.
Very tired
Trump’s being driven through a backroad out to the White House…
Trump’s being driven through a backroad out to the White House one night when suddenly, the car lurches to a halt. The driver explains that a pig from a nearby farm wandered onto the road and he hit it. Trump is a bit annoyed, but tells the driver, "Just go to their house, tell them you're my driver, and apologize." A while later, the man returns, seeming incredibly satisfied. Trump asks how the family reacted, but the driver said they seemed in good spirits and even gave him some of their dinner. Back on the road, the driver hits another pig that wandered onto the road. He goes and tells the farmer's family, but when he comes back, he says the family was overjoyed and gave him a bottle of liquor. The driver hits a third pig that was on the road, but this time, Trump secretly follows him to see why the people would be so happy. When the farmer comes to the door, the driver announces, "I'm President Trump’s driver, the pig is dead!"
What do you call a nut with facial hair?
A mustachio
My wife told me nothing rhymes with orange
I told her “no it doesn’t”
If a rooster in China climbs to the top of a pagoda…
And the town sorceress Wei observes that last night the stars were aligned with the White Tiger, And she sees the sun rising over Turtle Mountain to the east, And she notices the roof on which the rooster sits is made of Earth, And she feels the cold wind blowing north, chilling the Metal in her bones, And she hears the rumbling of a fiery thunderstorm in the south, And her hungry servant reminds her they have no more chickens–only that one rooster left–and roosters don't lay eggs, so can he buy some rice or must he eat the moldy five-day-old egg roll? Witch Wei willed the egg roll.
I just got fired from my job as a taxi driver…
Turns out people don’t like it when you go the extra mile for them.
Dad, why did you name the new baby Teresa?
Well son, Teresa is an anagram. If you rearrange the letters, it spells “Easter”. -Oh, so you named her that on account of how much you and mom love Easter. Yes, that’s right, Alan. -Thanks, Dad!
something something taxes idk
something something taxes idk
Everyday I tell the wife I’m gonna do a few miles around the neighborhood for exercise. And I never do lol.
It’s a running joke I have
Why do cemeteries have walls and fences around them?
Because people are dying to get in! (My dad told me this one when we drove past a cemetery one day lol)
What do you call someone who takes care of chickens?
A chicken tender
Fifty Shades of Gray has beat records for the fastest selling R rated movie
Well, first it tied the records up, then it beat them…
I’m glad to see Reddit is meeting its goals to become one of the greenest companies in the world.
Take the front page, it's over 90% recycled content!
How does a lawyer stop the bleeding?
Attorney-kit.
The president is walking out of the White House towards his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims his gun.
A Secret Service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the would be assassin and he is captured. Later, the Secret Service agent’s supervisor asks him, “Why the hell did you shout Mickey Mouse?” Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout…… Donald, duck!”
Patches of land are the only thing I find upsetting
it takes a lot to offend me
Give ‘em the punchline first!
How do you tell a good joke about time travel?
I’m an American, and I’m sick of people saying, “America is the stupidest country in the world.”
Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.
My pizza is burnt, my beer is frozen, and my girlfriend is pregnant…
…I can't pull anything out in time!