A man walked into his doctor’s office…
…complaining that he thinks he might have a tapeworm. The doctor made a physical examination and listened to the symptoms, and concurred with the self-diagnosis.
"I want you to come back tomorrow to start treatment. And bring an apple, and an orange and a Mars Bar" said the doctor.
Despite the seemingly odd request, he complied and returned the next day with an apple, an orange, and a Mars Bar.
The doctor then said, "Okay, now drop your pants and bend over. This is going to hurt a bit."
Although stunned by the turn of events, the patient dropped his pants and bent over. With one deft motion, the Doctor rammed the apple up the guy's arse, swiftly followed by the orange and the Mars Bar. While the doctor consulted his watch, our hero danced around the room shouting at the doctor.
"Okay, I want to see you here at the same time every day for the rest of the week, and bring another orange, apple and Mars Bar." said the doctor. The now humbled patient, with tears of pain in his eyes, nodded his head.
All week the same routine ensued. First, the doctor rammed up an apple, then an orange, and then a Mars Bar
After one full week of treatment, the doctor finally said, "Well, tomorrow is the LAST day of treatment. I want you to bring in an apple, and orange and a hammer."
"No Mars Bar?" asked the very frightened patient, trying to imagine what a hammer was going to feel like.
"Nope, a hammer." confirmed the doctor.
On the last day, the doctor said, "Okay, you know the routine". So the man dropped his pants and bent over. UP went the apple, and up went the orange.
One minute passed. Then two minutes. Three. Four minutes passed.
Finally, the worm's little head poked out of the patient's arse.
"WHERE'S MY FUCKING MARS BAR??"
Son: "Daddy, I have to write a special report for school, but I don't know what Politics is.” Father: "Well, let's take our home as an example. I am the bread-winner, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum is the administrator of money, so we'll call her Government. We take care of your need, so let's call you The People. We'll call the maid the Working Class and your brother we can call The Future. Do you understand son?" Son: "I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it." That night awakened by his brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep. The next morning he reported to his father. Son: "Dad, now I think I understand what Politics is." Father: "Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?" Son: "Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of Shit."
All groan up.
I’ve got nothing to hide.
Between you and me, something smells.
Buy the DLC to find out
Well, I think she should look at the bigger picture.
Because then it's a pair-a-dice
It was a pi rated DVD
You give her a pound, then you give her a pound
Guess the two of us aren’t going to work out
Quick! Someone call the bamboolance.
"How do you eat with that thing?"
I need good chem memes
None. They'll just beat the room for being black.
Well, that's close but no Seger. Old time rock and roll never forgets.
The hills are alive with the sound of moo sick
Beethoven's final movement
A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop, hop, hop, when he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, “Giraffe, don’t smoke weed. Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest.”
The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed. The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run, run, run. Hop, hop, hopping along. Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep. This sheep is about to shoot up heroin. The rabbit says to the sheep, "Mr sheep, don't do heroin. Heroin is a drug and drugs are bad for you. Come running with us through the forest." The sheep looks at the heroin, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the heroin. The sheep tossed his needle aside and they go running through the forest together. Run, run, run. Hop, hop, hopping along. Soon they come to a clearing, and in this clearing is a tiger. Now, this tiger is about to drink a can of beer. The rabbit looks at the tiger and says, "Mr tiger, don't drink beer. Alcohol is a drug and drugs are bad for you. Come running with us through the forest." The tiger looks at his beer, looks at the rabbit, and back his beer. He takes a claw and cracks open the beer and proceeds to carefully place it down beside him. He gets up and walks over to the rabbit, lifts up a paw, and starts mauling the shit out of this rabbit! The giraffe and sheep are in shock. And they say, "Dude, what the fuck? He was just trying to help you!" The tiger turns to them and say, "Every time that fucking rabbit does cocaine, I end up running through the fucking forest!"
Should I be worried, or is it just a phrase?
He lost track of thyme…
Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning one of his hot rods for an upcoming show. His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married maybe it's time you quit spending all your time out here in the garage and you probably should just consider selling all your cars. Tom gets this horrified look on his face. She says, "Darling, what's wrong?" "There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife." "Ex-wife!”, she screams, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!!!!!!!" Tom's reply: "I wasn't".
He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son. The son says, "OK, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies." Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?" Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son. Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn." Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was." The robot slaps the father. Mom laughs and says, "Well. He certainly is your son!" The robot slaps the mother.
We really kicked the shit out of that guy.
This is partially due to the fact that most humans don't like the taste of monkey.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. I tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else I could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, I was fed up and I yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. I shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. So, in desperation, I threw up my hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that I'd hurt the parrot, I quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto my outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior." I was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As I was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
As a muffler specialist, I replied, "I'm the one that's really exhausted."
People started giving me weird looks, so I started jogging instead.
The dentist shit himself, though.
No text found
I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
So I gave her two Popeye's biscuits and no drink.
She freaked out and shouted "What?!!! Why??!!!" I told her: "I would rather have a doctor do that"
It's because they are ice-o-lated.
A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over