A man walked into his doctor’s office…
…complaining that he thinks he might have a tapeworm. The doctor made a physical examination and listened to the symptoms, and concurred with the self-diagnosis.
"I want you to come back tomorrow to start treatment. And bring an apple, and an orange and a Mars Bar" said the doctor.
Despite the seemingly odd request, he complied and returned the next day with an apple, an orange, and a Mars Bar.
The doctor then said, "Okay, now drop your pants and bend over. This is going to hurt a bit."
Although stunned by the turn of events, the patient dropped his pants and bent over. With one deft motion, the Doctor rammed the apple up the guy's arse, swiftly followed by the orange and the Mars Bar. While the doctor consulted his watch, our hero danced around the room shouting at the doctor.
"Okay, I want to see you here at the same time every day for the rest of the week, and bring another orange, apple and Mars Bar." said the doctor. The now humbled patient, with tears of pain in his eyes, nodded his head.
All week the same routine ensued. First, the doctor rammed up an apple, then an orange, and then a Mars Bar
After one full week of treatment, the doctor finally said, "Well, tomorrow is the LAST day of treatment. I want you to bring in an apple, and orange and a hammer."
"No Mars Bar?" asked the very frightened patient, trying to imagine what a hammer was going to feel like.
"Nope, a hammer." confirmed the doctor.
On the last day, the doctor said, "Okay, you know the routine". So the man dropped his pants and bent over. UP went the apple, and up went the orange.
One minute passed. Then two minutes. Three. Four minutes passed.
Finally, the worm's little head poked out of the patient's arse.
"WHERE'S MY FUCKING MARS BAR??"
"WHAM!!!"
A husband came home with half gallon a of ice cream
and asked his wife if she wanted some. "How hard is it?" she asked. "About as hard as my dick," he replied. "Pour me some."
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
Ah, this one got me good đ
Oh, look! A stained dress! Something Banana Republicans actually think is impeachable.
https://ift.tt/36Ho80K
I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today and as we were walking around, he suddenly shouted, âlook at the frickinâ elephant, dad!â
I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us… âWhat did you just call it?â I asked. âIt's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the podium!â he said, and so it did, African Elephant.
I went to the gym almost every day this week
I almost went on Monday, I almost went on Tuesday, I almost went on Wednesday, I almost went on Thursday, I almost went on Friday, I almost went on Saturday and I almost went on Sunday.
Whatâs the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A bad golfer goes âWHACKâ , âah shitâ. A bad skydiver goes âah shitâ , âWHACKâ
What do you call cheese that isnt yours..?
Oh sorry, Havarti told you this one?
A man entered his home and discovered that someone had stolen every single lamp present in the house.
He was absolutely delighted.
Why did the hipster fall into the lake?
He went ice skating before it was cool.
A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, âLarry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?â
Larry replies, âGod and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so Heâs fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When Iâm done, poof! The light goes off.â âWow, thatâs incredible,â the doctor says. A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larryâs wife. âBonnie,â he says, âLarry is doing fine! But I had to call you because Iâm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when heâs done, poof, the light goes off?â âOh sweet Jesusâ, exclaims Bonnie. âHeâs peeing in the refrigerator again!â
I was going to make an April Fools joke
But that was so yesterday
What borders on stupidity?
Mexico and Canada.
During his physical examination, a doctor asked a man about his physical activity level.
He described a typical day this way: "Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank eight beers" Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man." "No," he replied, "I'm just a shit golfer.
Did you know you cannot breath through the nose while you’re smiling?
Haha, I made you smile.
#2537: Do you have a vagina?
A woman hears a knock on the door and when she opens the door a man asks this. Man: Do you have a vagina? Woman slams the door in disgust The next morning she hears a knock again and answers the door. The man asks the same question Man: do you have a vagina? She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband comes home from work she tells him what's happened the past 2 days. The husband says in a concerned voice "Honey I'm going to take the day off work tomorrow and stay with you incase that creep shows again". The next day there is a knock at the door again, both the husband and wife rush to the door, the husband whispers " I'm going to hide behind the door, if he asks the question again say yes because I want to know where he's going with this" The man asks again " do you have a vagina?" Woman answers " yes actually I have a vagina, why? " The man replies " oh wow good! That means you can tell your husband to start using it and leave my wife's alone!".
Bouncer: âIâm going to have to ask you to leave
Me: "Why?" Bouncer: "I donât know you, and This is my trampoline."
Did you hear the rumor about butter?
Iâm not going to spread it!
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
He was afraid of Capitalism.
To avoid being raped when I went to jail, I stuck a tube of toothpaste up my ass…
…for complete cavity protection…
Sleeping with the minister’s wife.
Jack goes to his friend Mike and says, "I'm sleeping with the minister's wife." "Can you hold him in church for an hour after services for me?" The friend doesn't like it but being a friend, he agrees. After services, he starts talking to the Reverend, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. Finally, the Minister gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to. Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses, "I'm sorry Sir, but my friend is sleeping with your wife right now, he asked me to keep you occupied." The Minister smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says, "Son. Youâd better hurry home to your Wife…Because my wife died five years ago."
We all know where the Big Apple is…
But does anyone know where the Minneapolis?
Will glass coffins become popular?
Remains to be seen
I just lost my mood ring
I canât tell you how I feel about it
Why don’t people joke about the Jonestown massacre?
The punchline is too long.
Whatâs the difference between Keanu and a bakery thief?
Keanu is breathtaking, the other one is breadtaking.
Dear posters of r/Jokes, could you try to be a bit more original?
My friends are really tired of hearing the same jokes over and over again.
I think I might be turning into a beach…
But I'm still not 100% shore
I feel like I have no control over my body
Everything I eat goes to shit
Does anyone feel like this as well?
Does anyone feel like this as well?
Wife: honey Iâm pregnant, weâre going to have our first kid
Husband, with tears in his eyes: Hi pregnant, Iâm dad
Wife: *is pregnant*
Me: I want to name our son James. Wife: Why? Me: No reason. 9 months later Wife: My water broke Me: Let the James begin
Why did an old man fall into a well?
Because he couldn't see that well
I went to the zoo and I saw a baguette in a cage.
I asked the zookeeper about it and he said it was bread in captivity.