A man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey
When the barman serves it up, he takes it out to the bench in front of the bar to drink it.
As he's enjoying his drink, a nun walks by, and glares at him sourly. "How can you pollute your soul with the Devil's drink like that?" she asks.
The man shrugs. "It's not the Devil, it's just whiskey."
"But it's sinful and wicked!"
"How do you know it's so bad, then? Have you ever tasted whiskey?"
"Of course not! My sisters and mother superior told me how evil drink is."
"But how do they know? Have they ever had a drink?"
They go back and forth like this for a while, before at last, the nun relents. "Well, I suppose that if I were to try a sip of whiskey, I would better understand how it corrupts the soul. But it wouldn't do for any of my sisters to come by here and see me drinking. Could you order me one in a teacup?"
The man agrees this is fair, and walks inside to the barman.
"Two whiskeys, but put one in a teacup, please."
The barman slams his hand down on the bar and shouts, "Is that damn nun here again!?"
Jesus is down by the gates to Heaven
When an old man approaches. "Well, what have you done to deserve entry to Heaven?" Asks St Peter. "To be honest." replies the man, "I am merely a simple carpenter. It was my son who was truly great. Although he wasn't my biological son… his birth was miraculous, still I loved him very much. Later in life he went through many trials and transformations. He spread joy and his story is told all over the world even to this day." Jesus looks at the man, with a tear in his eye, and says "Father?" The man looks back; "… Pinocchio?"
I asked Arnold Schwarzenegger what his favourite religious holday was. He said
"Have to love Easter, baby…."
Because your side projects are just an excuse to make a new framework, right?
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How are women like swimming pools?
They cost a great deal of money to maintain considering the time you spend inside.
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, “Excuse me, can you help me?
I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am. " The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude." "You must be a programmer," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far. " The woman below responded, "You must be a manager." "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the woman, "You don't know where you are or where you are going" You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow "it's my fault."
My dad texted this to me, I have experienced a tragic loss as my dad is now a boomer
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[NSFW] What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
Glrhrglelgrglugr
Little known fact…Before the invention of the crowbar
crows did all their drinking at home.
My friend can’t afford his water bill…
So I sent him a "Get well soon" card.
I can cut a log just by looking at it!
It's true! I saw it with my own eyes.
Christen Joke
Mother Superior: "Sister Maria, if you walk through town at night, and you're accosted by a man with bad intentions, what would you do?" Sister Maria: "I would lift my habit, mother Superior." Mother Superior (shocked): "And what would you do next?" Sister Maria: "I would tell him to drop his pants." Mother Superior: (even more shocked) "And what then?" Sister Maria: "I would run away. I can run much faster with my habit up than he with his pants down."
Last night at dinner I thought I saw my father starting to gag.
Turns out it was just another dad choke.
I shot my first turkey today…
Scared the heck out of everyone else in the frozen food section.
Two guys are on a boat with 3 cigarettes and nothing to light them with.
They threw one over board and the boat is now a cigarette lighter.
Why was the baby strawberry crying?
Because his mom and dad were in a jam
What’s the difference between politics and anatomy?
In anatomy, the asshole is at the bottom.
I used to date a girl who was lactose intolerant.
We broke up because she couldn’t stomach my cheesy jokes.
When my dentist reminded me about my wife’s sensitive gag reflex, we laughed and laughed about it for a while…
Then I remembered… Me and my wife have different dentists…
I recently walked down a street with the houses were numbered 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, 1mb etc
That was a trip down memory lane
Trumpets and Guns
In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns. One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?" "What do you mean strange?" "Because you sell only trumpets and guns!" "So?" "Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?" "It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."
Why did the Mexican take a Xanax?
For Hispanic attacks
Not One Republican Voted To Remove A Domestic Terrorist From Office…. Not One
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How do you think the unthinkable?
With an itheberg
This morning, I accidentally made my coffee with red bull instead of water…
… I was already on the highway, when I noticed I forgot my car at home…
A farmer counted 387 cows in his field.
But when he rounded them up he had 400.
Did you hear about the canine comedian?
His jokes are ruff
My mate said he didn’t understand what cloning was.
I said that makes two of us.
And the winner for best neckwear goes to…
Well, would you look at that. It’s a tie.
A pirate walks into a bar.
His pants are open in the front, and there’s a steering wheel inside them. The bartender looks at him. “Why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?” “Arrrrgh,” replies the pirate. “It’s drivin’ me nuts.”