A man walks into a bar in Vegas.
He has a parrot with him. This parrot is wholly remarkable; it is fluent in Spanish, French and English. So, being a betting man- they're all betting men down in Vegas -he goes up to the bartender and tells him, "I'll bet you this here bird can speak Spanish."
The bartender knows this type, and slams his hand down on the counter with a $10 bill. "You're on! Let's see it."
So the man turned to the bird and asks, "Hablas Espanol?"
The bird is silent as a stone.
"Well, watch this, then, he can speak French too. Parlez-vous Francais?"
The parrot remains silent. The man is sweating through his jacket, and the bartender is chuckling derisively. "Hand over the cash, sir, and have a nice night."
As he walks dejectedly out of the bar, the man turns to the parrot. "You jerk!", he cries. "You cost me ten bucks!"
The parrot, taken aback, ruffles his feathers arrogantly. "Cost you? Buddy, I just made you a fortune! Think of the odds you can get there tomorrow!"
Now I can finally eat nuts again, thank God I had masturbation to keep my mind off of the sweet little bastards.
It will be the last thing I do.
Me: "oh, just a bit of light reading"
a gentleman from the 18th floor sticks his head out and catches her hand. As he hangs on to her hand he yells “If you promise to blow me then I’ll save your life!” “What is wrong with you?! Just fucking save me!!” She replies in disbelief. The gentleman then proceeds to let her fall. On her way down yet another gentleman peeks his head out and catches her by the hand, this time from the 16th floor. “I’ll save your life if you promise to fuck me after.” He offers while holding on to her hand. “Absolutely not! How could you say such a thing? Just save me! I need help and I don’t want to fall to my death you sick fuck!!” At this point she is pissed, but the gentleman let’s go of her hand and she continues to fall. On her way down, a gentleman sticks his hand out and catches her, this time from the 7th floor. As he is pulling her inside of his window, she frantically exclaims “I’ll suck!! I’ll fuck!! I’ll do anything for you!!” The gentleman pauses for a split second and mutters under his breath: “What a whore” and proceeds to drop her.
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He gets hammered.
Because otherwise, it’s FUCKING RAW!!!
We should hang out sometime.
Personally I like to do it at dinner time so he spits out his food.
He is disqualified
Now you mention Botox and no one raises an eyebrow.
No one's posted here all decade… (Regards from New Zealand)
That will give you a reason to get up in the morning.
But I called her Bluff.
That would be admitting that 2021
STARTLED, BRYAN GASPS ,, "FREDDIE, I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD?" TO WHICH FREDDIE REPLIES "I WAS BUT I WAS BROUGHT BACK TO LIFE BY A VOODOO PRIEST" "VOODOO?", BRYAN ASKS,"WHATS VOODOO?" "WELL BRYAN", FREDDY SAYS, "ITS A KIND OF MAGIC!"
Shit. I meant to post this somewhere else.
… "go on" says the priest. "I swore the other day" says the man. "continue" says the priest. "I was on the golf course the other day and I hit my drive, it was looking perfect, heading dead straight. About 200 yards down my ball hit a power line crossing the fairway". "and this is when you swore?" asked the priest. "No father, my ball then ricocheted off the power lines and flew off into the deep rough" continued the man. "this must have been when you swore?" the priest exclaimed. "No father, not yet. As I was walking over to the rough to hit my second shot a hawk flew down from the trees, picked my ball up in his beak and proceeded to fly off with it" continued the man. "Ahhh I see" says the priest "this must have been the point where you swore" "Nope not yet. The bird flew over the green the ball fell from its mouth and landed two feet from the hole" The priest pauses for a few seconds "you missed the fucking putt didn't you?"
The ones that can count, and the ones that can't
I walked in and caught her masturbating. She called me a sick pervert. There's no justice in this world.
Congratulations, you can now say razor blades in Australian.
I turned 22.
But I just don’t have the balls to do it
The Chinese authorities refuse to recognize Ty Won.
Because he wasn't born yesterday
No text found
It has a ring to it.
Because where there’s a will, there’s a weigh.
A teacher, a lawyer, and a priest were sitting together on an airplane. The pilot comes over the PA and says “I’m sorry folks, but we’ve just lost both engines. We’re going to crash and die.” The teacher exclaims “Oh my God, the poor children!” The lawyer replies “Fuck the children!” The priest asks “Do we have time?”
There were a lot of red flags.
They seem a bit shady.
Because there's no post on Sunday