A man walks into a bar. The bartender greets him and says, For 5 bucks, I’ll show you something amazing…
The man agrees and hands over his 5 bucks.
The bartender pulls out a small piano and a guy who is only about a foot tall. The guy sits down and plays an amazing tune on the piano.
“Wow he’s amazing. Where did you get him!?!”
He bartender replied, “There is a genie on the corner, he’ll grant you one wish.”
The guy leaves the bar, finds the genie and says, “I want a million bucks!”
All of a sudden ducks start falling out of the sky.
The guy runs back to the bar to escape all the ducks and asks, “What’s wrong with that genie? I asked for a million bucks, and ducks started falling out of the sky!”
The bartender shakes his head and says, “He’s hard of hearing. Do you seriously think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?”
My wife sued for divorce because she said I couldn’t get an erection.
I had evidence to the contrary, but it wouldn't stand up in court.
I thought of a great joke about a boomerang, but I forgot it.
It will come back to me.
What do you call a turkey’s evil twin?
A Gobblegänger.
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller
For those who suffer from paranoia, please remember you’re not alone.
They’re always watching.
Where is the best place to buy chicken broth?
The stock market!
you don’t grate cheese here… you shReddit
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Santa hit a dragon and killed it whilst flying over medieval England…
… guess you could say he sleighed it
Remember, you’re somebody’s reason to smile.
Because you're a fucking joke.
Whenever I undress in the bathroom..
My shower gets turned on.
What does the scrotum of a catholic priest look like?
Stupid question, even a child knows that.
I sat next to baby on a ten hour flight. I didn’t think it was possible for someone to cry for ten hours straight.
Even the baby was impressed I pulled it off.
My dad died when we couldn’t remember his blood type…
As he died, he kept insisting “BE POSITIVE,” but it’s really hard without him.
You know what they say about a guy with big feet
They say "Sorry sir we don't have your shoe size"
What do orcs want above anything else?
More doors.
I wrote a joke about minorities.
It's different to the other jokes.
My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo.
So I had to put my foot down.
I called my wife earlier and asked her if she wanted me to pick up burgers and fries on my way home from work, but she just grunted at me…
I think she still regrets letting me name the twins…
I was at the grocery store, confused about how much lettuce to buy. So I called my wife for advice.
Turns out two heads are better than one.
To be frank,
I'd have to change my name
A man walked into his doctor’s office…
…complaining that he thinks he might have a tapeworm. The doctor made a physical examination and listened to the symptoms, and concurred with the self-diagnosis. "I want you to come back tomorrow to start treatment. And bring an apple, and an orange and a Mars Bar" said the doctor. Despite the seemingly odd request, he complied and returned the next day with an apple, an orange, and a Mars Bar. The doctor then said, "Okay, now drop your pants and bend over. This is going to hurt a bit." Although stunned by the turn of events, the patient dropped his pants and bent over. With one deft motion, the Doctor rammed the apple up the guy's arse, swiftly followed by the orange and the Mars Bar. While the doctor consulted his watch, our hero danced around the room shouting at the doctor. "Okay, I want to see you here at the same time every day for the rest of the week, and bring another orange, apple and Mars Bar." said the doctor. The now humbled patient, with tears of pain in his eyes, nodded his head. All week the same routine ensued. First, the doctor rammed up an apple, then an orange, and then a Mars Bar After one full week of treatment, the doctor finally said, "Well, tomorrow is the LAST day of treatment. I want you to bring in an apple, and orange and a hammer." "No Mars Bar?" asked the very frightened patient, trying to imagine what a hammer was going to feel like. "Nope, a hammer." confirmed the doctor. On the last day, the doctor said, "Okay, you know the routine". So the man dropped his pants and bent over. UP went the apple, and up went the orange. One minute passed. Then two minutes. Three. Four minutes passed. Finally, the worm's little head poked out of the patient's arse. "WHERE'S MY FUCKING MARS BAR??" "WHAM!!!"
We’ll we’ll we’ll…
if it isn't autocorrect?
My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.
But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said,
“You know, one would have been enough.”
Last night I was out for a few drinks.
One thing lead to another and I had a few too many cocktails and then went onto the wine. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the pub and took a bus home. Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breathalyzer tests. Because I was in a Bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I've never driven a bus before and I am not even sure where I got it from.
How does Yoda ask a rooster to draw a picture?
"Cock, a doodle do."
For a while Harry Houdini used trap doors in every act.
It was a stage he was going through.
I asked my Wife “Am I the only one you’ve been with?”
“Yes… but I’ve had some sevens and eights.” She replied.
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day, when the daughter said, “My hands are freezing cold!” The mother replied, “Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up.”
The daughter did and her hands warmed up. The next day, the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold!" The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did and warmed his hands. The following day, the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold." The girl replied, "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did and warmed his nose. The next day, the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid." The following day, the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?" The daughter replies, "They make one heck of a mess when they defrost, don't they?!"
Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
It got stuck in a crack
I used to love blowing air at people’s faces…
…but I'm just not a fan anymore
A Man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder.
The bartender says “What an interesting pet, whats his name?” “Tiny” the man replies. “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?” “Because…He’s my newt.”
What kind of bagel can fly?
A plane bagel
