A man walks into a bar with a Labrador.
He makes his way to the bar and orders a drink.
“I’m sorry, but we don’t allow dogs in here,” says the bartender.
“That’s my seeing-eye dog,” the man replies.
The bartender’s face instantly drops, knowing he made himself out to be a complete asshole.
“Oh God. I’m sorry. Here — your first two are on me.” He hands the man two bottles of beer.
“Thank you, I appreciate that.” The man and his dog make their way to a table near the front door and he grabs a seat.
A little while later, another man enters the bar with a chihuahua.
The first man stops him: “The bartender is going to give you shit about your dog. Tell him it’s your seeing-eye dog and he’ll feel so bad that he’ll buy your first few rounds!”
“Thanks!” replies the second man. He wanders up to the bar and orders a beer.
“I’m sorry, sir. We don’t allow dogs in here.”
“It’s my seeing-eye dog.”
The barender’s face wrinkles into confusion. He says, “Ehhh, I don’t think so. They don’t make seeing-eye dogs out of chihuahuas.”
“FUCK! They gave me a chihuahua?!”
A fifteen-year-old came home with a Porsche, and his parents began to yell and scream
"Where did you get that car?"He calmly told them, "I bought it today." "With what money!?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs." "Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars." The parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars!?" they asked. "It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "Don't know her name — they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars." "Oh my goodness!" moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on." So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche to for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it. "Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary. Then apparently she stole all his money and stranded him there! Well he called me, without a dollar to his name, and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So that's exactly what I did."
So our boss just banned overly specific nicknames.
Now our whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner
So many people these days are too judgemental.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Why is dark spelled with a K and not a C?
Because you can’t see in the dark…
LMAO IM AT MY SCHOOL TALENT SHOW AND DUDE SAYS “Before I begin, I want to make sure this mic is working”
“If your name is Michael, please stand up” Then a couple dudes stand up And he goes “That concludes the mike check” stolen from twitter @ cheyrubi
My instructor just told me that I’m not cut out to be a mime
It must have been something I said
What is Pac-Man’s favorite cooking utensil?
A wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok…
Why did dad get angry when the window was broken?
Because it was a pane to replace.
Wanna hear a dirty joke?
A white horse fell in the mud
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, 'Take as long as you like.' That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Caesar all walk into a bar.
He came, he saw, he conquered.
My friend decided to have a testicle removed after he found a lump.
He is really hardcore about his mashed potatoes.
Chocolate is like guns
if you pull it out in school, then everybody is suddenly your friend
Police officer pulls over 2 Catholic priests. Says he’s looking for two child molesters.
Catholic priests looking at each other: We’ll do it!
Stoner Joke. Three Men Died and Went to Hell Where They Met the Devil. (Warning! Long one)
Three men died and went to hell where they met the Devil. The Devil told them that they had sinned in life and therefore had to spend the next 666 years in hell to atone for their sins. However, since the Devil wasn't entirely merciless, he would let them choose for themselves how they were going to spend those 666 years. And so the Devil let the men to three doors. Going through the first door, they entered what looked to be a normal bar. Although, if you were there for more than an hour, you would notice that no matter how much you tried to drink another bottle would appear on the shelf. And even better, the bar always had the exact drink you wanted available. An unlimited supply of every alcoholic beverage in existence. It was, in short, a drunkard's paradise. When they entered the second door, they were greeted by a myriad of women all ready to satisfy every sexual desire they could possible have. There were multiple women of every shape, size and ethnicity imaginable. Looking closer you would notice that there were even celebrity and work crushes from your life in the crowd. Every single one of them ready to please you. It was, in short, a pervert's paradise Finally, when they entered the third door, they found themselves in a forest made of cannabis. The ground was made of kief, all the bushes wore beatiful buds and even the trees were 20 feet tall cannabis plants. There were every strain it has or ever will be possible to grow. You could even find rocks of hashish laying around the forest floor if you looked closely. It was, in short, a stoner's paradise. The Devil asked the men which room they each wanted. The words had barely left the Devil's mouth before the first man ran directly to the room with a myriad of women. The second man then went to the room with the bar, thinking that if he was going to spend 666 years in hell, he might as well be drunk for most of it. Lastly, the third man, thinking he had won the lottery, gladly went towards the room with the forest of cannabis. 666 years later, the Devil returned to see if the men had atoned for their sins. When he opened the first door, bottles slowly rolled out and you could immediately smell piss and puke coming from the room. It took the Devil a while, but he finally found the man nestled between the bottles, smeared in his own shit and puke, and with arguably the worst hangover in history. The Devil agreed it was punishment enough and let him out. When he opened the second door, he was overwhelmed with the sound of hundreds of crying children and angry women. Not ten seconds after the door opened, the man came running, pleading for the Devil to please let him out. There were kids of every age running around screaming and all the women were angry at each other, while everyone, children and mothers alike, were angry at the man. The Devil agreed it was punishment enough and let him out. When the Devil opened the third door, he immediately saw the man sitting cross legged in a giant pool of his own tears. The Devil had not expected this. Confused, he went to ask the man what was wrong. The man, tears still running down his face, looked up at the Devil and said: "I don't have a lighter" Edit: a word Sneak note: ITT a lot of people who wants to ruin the joke 🙁
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign language
Think I might sell all my John Lennon memorabilia on ebay.
Imagine all the Paypal…
A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex, so naturally, she agrees and they make love. About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says…
"Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again. Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife shoulder and asks, "Honey, please…just one more time, before I die." She says, "Of course, dear." and they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep. The man, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could…" At this point, the wife sits up and screams, "Listen, I have to get up in the morning…YOU DON’T!!!"
John Travolta was hospitalized earlier today for suspected COVID-19.
Doctors now confirm that it was only Saturday Night Fever and they assure everyone that he is Staying Alive.
My 8 year old cousin: ” Why did the chicken cross the road?”
8yo cousin: To get to the idiot's house. Me (patronizingly): Oh..uh..yeah good one haha. 8yo cousin: Wanna hear another one? Knock knock Me: Who's there 8yo: The chicken.
Today I wished my dad a Happy Father’s Day.
His response: “Thanks son. I couldn’t have done it without you!” Happy Father’s Day!!
If I had a dime for every time I didn’t understand what’s going on, I’d be like…
"Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"
Did you hear about the limo driver who went 25 years without a customer?
All that time, and nothing to chauffeur it…
Hi, I’m Robin
https://ift.tt/2BoeOlb
A priest is walking to his church when he passes a group of prostitutes.
One of them yells out “$20 for a blowjob, Father!” The priest puts his head down and speed walks the rest of the way. When he arrives at the church he nervously approaches one of the nuns and asks her “Sister, what’s a blowjob?” She tells him “$20, Same as downtown”
“Russian Roulettes are safe”
-5/6 Scientists
If a blind girl tells you your dick is the biggest she’s ever felt…
She's probably pulling your leg.
I overheard a man in the changing room
I was in the changing room at my local gym yesterday when a phone rings. The guy next to me answers it while he was getting dry so he puts it on loudspeaker. I instantly thought, "What a smug bastard!" MAN: "Hello" WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the gym?" MAN: "Yes" WOMAN: "I am at the Metrocentre now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?" MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much." WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2018 models. I saw one I really liked." MAN: "How much?" WOMAN: "£90,000" MAN: "Ok but for that price I want it with all the options." WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £950,000". MAN: "Well, then go ahead but come in at £900,000. They will probably take it but if not, we'll have to do £950,000." WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!" MAN: "Bye! I love you, too." The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape…..He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this fuckin phone belongs to?"
Someone accidentally mailed me 10 lbs of pot yesterday. So I did the right thing and called the cops.
They just came by and picked up all 4 pounds.