A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton-balls and a ball of string on the counter. The sales girl says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?" He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's so much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own… so does she."
How does Darth Vader like his steaks?
Well, done done done, done da done, done da done
I guess China finally got what they want
They managed to coronise the world.
I just heard that Kim Jong-Un is sick
Guess that makes him Kim Jong-Ill now.
A plane crashes. Every single person dies. Who survives?
Every couple -my 8yr old daughters riddle
A limbo champion walked into a bar.
He was disqualified.
Post Malone just suspended his tour.
That makes him Postponed Malone.
What do drugs have in common with cheese jokes?
I don't know, I just like meth and feta memes.
To be frank…
i'd have to change my name
If you thought this year was strange, I’ve got some news for you.
2019 will be odd too.
Justice is a dish best served cold
If it were served warm it would be JustWater
My landlord wants to talk to me about my high heating bills every month.
I said, “Sure. My door is always open.”
England has no kidney bank but…
It does have a Liverpool
Physics is full of problems
And chemistry is full of solutions
An attempt at OC after one year on Reddit.
I slept with a girl that works at Amazon last night. I got a text from her today that said: “People who slept with me also bought a STD kit and this 5 star genital wart cream.”
A Boy was having sex with a girl on a Railway track
The train driver spots them and starts hooting but they ignore it. He applies brakes so hard and the train stops just a few yards away from the couple. Driver jumps from the engine and walks to the boy who just finished and is standing up and zipping up his pants. The driver shouts out to the boy "Do u realize that if I had not seen u, this would have been ur last f…!!! Boy -'Listen dude, you were coming, She was coming and I was coming, then I realised only You have Brakes.
Do not use “BEEFSTEW” as a password
It's not stroganoff
You want milk with your bean water?
You want milk with your bean water?
The average person has sex 54 times a year…
Tomorrow is gonna be wild!
I don’t get what Christians are trying to warn us about. Hell sounds like a great place
People are dying to get there.
To the guy who stole my antidepressants the other day.
I hope you’re happy now.
The husband leans over and asks his wife
"Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." Yes, she says, "I remember it well." OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?" "Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!" A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?" Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
9/11 jokes are not funny
But the other 2 are
I found the first four Harry Potter books to be quite light hearted.
The fifth one was dead sirius.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: Whos car is this, where are you taking it and what do you do for a living? Miner: Mine
A pretty blonde walks into a bar and asks the handsome fellow at the bar what he’s drinking…
He says, "Magic beer. You want one?" "Aw, that's stupid. There's no such thing" she says. "Look, I'll show you". He takes a big swig and proceeds to throw himself out of a nearby window, where he proceeds to fly up and around the building, and back into bar window. "That's incredible! I don't believe it!" she says. "Hey barkeep, throw me another one o' them Magic Beers". The bartender shakes his head and pours another beer and slides it down the bar. The man chugs about half of it and proceeds to leap out the window and circle the building again. "Here, you try it" he says to the blonde. She takes a big draw on the glass, jumps out of the window, and falls about 30 feet to the ground – breaking both her legs – and begins screaming in pain. The bartender says, "Superman, you're a real bastard when you're drunk."
What do you call a musician in the army?
A tambarine! Thank you! Thank you very much!
Whats the difference between an envelope and a window?
Nobody looks at you funny when you lick an envelope
What does an air conditioner have in common with a computer?
They both lose efficiency as soon as you open windows.
Hi, I’m Buzz Aldrin. Second person to step on the moon.
Neil before me.
I met my girlfriend at an African language class…
We just clicked!
People who can’t stop buying full length mirrors…
…need to take a good long look at themselves.