A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase
He asks, "What are you doing?"
She replies, "I'm off to New York City. I read that prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free."
Later, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. "Where are you going?" she asks
"I'm coming with you. I want to see how you live on $800 a year"
You console it.
I was going to eat that later but it will only taste like a carrot now
A small medium at large.
It's about raisin awareness.
You probably aren't thinking straight.
I’m taking steps to avoid them now
Someone Stole My Anti-Depressants
To cover its butt quack.
A man comes home to his wife with a jar of aspirin. "honey, I got you this aspirin" "but I don't have a headache" "great, let's fuck"
My partner thinks Adidas, but I think Reebok is a good name for a baby boy.
“Son”… “how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
I really get a kick out of it.
Cop: Did you know you have a dead cat in your trunk? Schrodinger: I do now.
Coronavirus, right off the bat.
…He was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eight Symphony, and it's backwards too! Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh… The Sixth… The Fifth…" Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery: "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
the bartender asks the guy, "What's up bud? You look rough." "Well," says the man, "I just found out my dad is gay and he's left my mom for some pool boy." "Ouch," says the bartender, "here, these are on the house today." A few days later the same guy comes in and orders another five shots. "Oh no man, what happened this time?" The bartender asks. "Just found out my brother is gay, he's left his wife for a man he met at a gay bar last week." "I'm sorry man," the bartender says, "these are on the house." Just one week later the guy comes in again and orders ten shots. The bartender asks, "Man! Doesn't anyone in your family like women?" The guy responds, "Yeah…my wife."
It was about time.
So I packed my stuff up and right
The bartender says "how did you do that?"
One is a whiny toddler and the other is a tiny waddler…
"look mom no hans!"
In charge of the sequence. Yoda was.
I will put my glasses on.
But I'm Russian, so I'm voting Trump
My wife asked if I needed help to clean it up. I said don't worry it's nacho problem.
Fair enough it was her sister's but still…
Some elderly lady asked me to check her balance. So I pushed her over.
A very loud, unattractive, mean, nasty woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly, "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?" The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't. The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?" "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am," replied the greeter, "I just couldn't believe someone would fuck you twice …"
He was a Fizzsician
The odds were against me.
Just paramedics and someone else if they’re patient enough
The ceremony wasn’t much but the reception was incredible!