A man wanted to have sex with a nun
A man wanted to have sex with a nun he saw every day at the bus station. One day, when they got on the bus, he asked her to have sex with him, but she refused. The bus driver heard their conversation and after she got off the bis, he told the man " Every night, she goes to the cemetery to visit Father Martin's grave, who died a few years ago. If you want to have sex with her, go to the cemetery dressed in black with your face covered and say: Maria, it's me, Martin. I have come to have sex with you before i go to heaven." The man did just as he was told. When he goes to the cemetery, he sees the nun staying in front of a grave with her face covered. The man approached her and said he was Father Martin and wanted to have sex with her. She said: "Fine, but do it in the ass so i can stay a virgin." After the man had sex with her, he uncovered his face and said: "Ha! It was me the whole time!", but then the one he thought was the nun turned around and said: "Ha! It is me, the bus driver!"
Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday.Everybody complimented him on how healthy, athletic and well-preserved he appeared.
"I will tell you the secret of my success," Grandpa said, "My wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding day, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had an argument, or fight, the one who proved wrong would go outside and take a walk for 5 kms. Gentlemen, I have been walking in the open air day after day for some 75 years now." One friend further asked, ‘But your wife is also slim and energetic?’ Grandpa said, ‘that is another secret, my wife use to follow me behind checking whether I go for 5 kms or sit in a park!!!
A man sees a lady in a bar with a large bosom…
He asks, "Excuse me, can I bite your tits for a thousand dollars?" She says, "Hell yea!" So they go to a secluded corner, and she opens her blouse. The man puts his face in her tits for nearly five minutes. Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?" He says, "Nah, it's too expensive."
My last relationship ended because I didn’t open the car door for her.
Instead I just swam for the surface.
Did you know you can tell the sex of an ant by floating it in water?
If it floats it's boy ant
Why was Ben 10 considered so powerful?
Because the previous kid was Ben Nine in comparison.
Dentist always dumb questions like “when’s the last time you flossed?”
Like bro you were there wtf
My wife tripped and dropped the basket of clothes she had just ironed.
I watched it all unfold.
Man, on a first date: How do you feel about sex? Woman: I like it infrequently.
Man: I see. Is that one word or two?
Just remember you are someone’s reason to smile.
Because you're a joke.
Due to the quarantine…
I’ll only be telling inside jokes.
A limbo champion walks into a bar
He's disqualified
Has anyone elses gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?
I planted myself on my couch at the beginning of March and I've grown significantly since.
Remember when plastic surgery was taboo?
Now if you mention Botox, no one even raises an eyebrow.
Did you know the first French fries weren’t actually cooked in France?
They were cooked in Greece.
What do you call a constipated detective?
no-shit Sherlock
When does a car stop being a car?
When it turns into a driveway.
I used to be addicted to soap
But I'm clean now.

Rare photo of Melania Trump genuinely smiling. Taken at the roast of Donald Trump.
https://ift.tt/2XXbsk2
A burglar stole all my lamps.
I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
I heard a rumor about butter. . .
But I don't want to spread it.
Women always call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly, and poor.
“Diana!” I said greeting my mother-in-law as she walked through the door…
She said, "My name's Anna." I said, "Yeah, I know."
A man is staggering home drunk after last call. A policeman sees the man stumbling around and asks where he’s going.
“I’m heading to a lecture,” the man slurs in response. “A lecture?” the skeptical cop responds. “Who would be giving a lecture at this time of the night?” “My wife,” the drunk man answers.
What does the sign of an out-of-business brothel say?
Beat it. We’re closed
Why did Waldo wear stripes?
Cause he didn't want to be spotted!

Amazing… she managed to point out her and her father’s amazing ineptitude in one fell swoop.
https://ift.tt/2MvvFYh
What did the redditor say when he won the olympics?
Edit: Thanks for the gold!
I was recently asked to name two structures that contain water
I responded "Well, dam"
A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.
He asks the lady, ‘Do you have a vagina?’ She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman, ‘Do you have a vagina’? She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice, ‘Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again’ The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice, ‘Honey, I’m going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question, because I want to see where he is going with it’ She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. ‘Do you have a vagina’? ‘Yes’ she says. The man replied, ‘That’s great! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife’s alone and start using yours?’
Why was the restaurant so slow?
The servers were down.
What’s the opposite of a waterfall?
A firefly
Trump and Obama getting haircut is same barbershop
Donald Trump and Barack Obama end up in the same barbershop As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn into politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. Trump was quick to stop him saying "No way buddy, my wife will smell that and think I've been in a damn whorehouse." The second barber turned to Obama and said "How about you?" Obama replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.
Plane with 5 passengers on board, Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Angela Merkel, The Pope and a ten-year-old schoolboy. The plane is about to crash and there are only 4 parachutes.
Trump said I need one. I’m the smartest man in the USA and am needed to sort out the problems of the World!’, takes one and jumps. Boris said ‘I’m needed to sort out Britain’. He takes one and jumps. The Pope said ‘I need one as the world needs the Catholic Church.’ He takes one and jumps. Angela said to the ten-year-old: "You can have the last parachute. I've lived my life, yours is only just starting." The 10-year-old replied: "Don’t worry, there are 2 parachutes left, the smartest man in the USA took my school bag."
What part of your body is the last to die?
Your eyes, cause they dilate