A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.
The bee said, 'What seems to be the problem?'
'I'm out of gas,' the man replied.
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.
'Try it now,' said one bee.
The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. 'Wow!' the man exclaimed, 'what did you put in my gas tank'?
The bee answered,
You cut the ends and now you have endless bread. Courtesy of my 12 year old daughter.
I'd have $7.20 right now.
Just two palms and no dates.
I told her I think we should take things slowly
Hindsight will be 2020.
"Are you having a crisis?"
…emails will be flagged as "Mark has read"
The protests in Hong Kong have been continuous for 160 days, proving the country does not belong to China.
Because nothing made in China has ever lasted more than a week.
I was in the changing room at my local gym yesterday when a phone rings. The guy next to me answers it while he was getting dry so he puts it on loudspeaker. I instantly thought, "What a smug bastard!" MAN: "Hello" WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the gym?" MAN: "Yes" WOMAN: "I am at the Metrocentre now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?" MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much." WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2018 models. I saw one I really liked." MAN: "How much?" WOMAN: "£90,000" MAN: "Ok but for that price I want it with all the options." WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £950,000". MAN: "Well, then go ahead but come in at £900,000. They will probably take it but if not, we'll have to do £950,000." WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!" MAN: "Bye! I love you, too." The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape…..He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this fuckin phone belongs to?"
And at the end of each weekend, there is a Brother that goes around to all the casinos to cash them out and make a deposit. He's the Chip Monk.
Taken: Out Of Context.
The servers are currently down…
My grandfather told me that he saw the Titanic. He warned everyone that it would sink but nobody would listen.
He told people a few more times and then he was kicked out of the cinema.
it's a naan stick pan
"It's not my fault," I said, "Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again." "Do you really expect me to believe that?" he laughed. I said, "I'll prove it to you if you want me to!" "Go on then." he smiled, handing me the bag. After flushing them, he looked at me and said, "Well, show me your pocket then." "What for?" I asked. He said, "The drugs." I said, "What drugs?"
My wife flashed before my eyes.
No one knows how they pulled it off.
So that I could fit the rest of the socks in the drawer
My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm and I accidentally gave her a tube of super glue. It's been a week now and she's still not talking to me.
Because he couldn’t see that well
Oh shit thought this was google
Even though I don't own any leather hands.
"Honey, what did you think of me when you first saw me?". "My first thought was that I wanted to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry", he replied. "And what do you think of me now darling?", the old woman asked. "I think I've done a pretty good job"
Just one, but the lightbulb has to want to change.