A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.
The bee said, 'What seems to be the problem?'
'I'm out of gas,' the man replied.
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.
'Try it now,' said one bee.
The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. 'Wow!' the man exclaimed, 'what did you put in my gas tank'?
The bee answered,
‘BP’
How do you feed 1000 people with one loaf of bread?
You cut the ends and now you have endless bread. Courtesy of my 12 year old daughter.
If I had 50 cents for every time I failed a math test,
I'd have $7.20 right now.
My sex life is hot like the Sahara desert.
Just two palms and no dates.
The girl I just started dating told me she is Russian
I told her I think we should take things slowly
If you think 2020 puns are bad this year, just wait until next year.
Hindsight will be 2020.
What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?
"Are you having a crisis?"
Facebook is set to release its own webmail client…
…emails will be flagged as "Mark has read"
The protests in Hong Kong have been continuous for 160 days, proving the country does not belong to China.
Because nothing made in China has ever lasted more than a week.
I overheard a man in the changing room
I was in the changing room at my local gym yesterday when a phone rings. The guy next to me answers it while he was getting dry so he puts it on loudspeaker. I instantly thought, "What a smug bastard!" MAN: "Hello" WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the gym?" MAN: "Yes" WOMAN: "I am at the Metrocentre now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?" MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much." WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2018 models. I saw one I really liked." MAN: "How much?" WOMAN: "£90,000" MAN: "Ok but for that price I want it with all the options." WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £950,000". MAN: "Well, then go ahead but come in at £900,000. They will probably take it but if not, we'll have to do £950,000." WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!" MAN: "Bye! I love you, too." The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape…..He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this fuckin phone belongs to?"
In Las Vegas people can tithe by dropping casino chips into the offertory.
And at the end of each weekend, there is a Brother that goes around to all the casinos to cash them out and make a deposit. He's the Chip Monk.
Can’t wait to see Liam Neeson’s new film
Taken: Out Of Context.
I’ve made a website for depressed tennis players…
The servers are currently down…
My grandfather told me that he saw the Titanic. He warned everyone that it would sink but nobody would listen.
He told people a few more times and then he was kicked out of the cinema.
Just got the perfect tool for making a good indian flat bread
it's a naan stick pan
A policeman searched me in a public toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs
"It's not my fault," I said, "Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again." "Do you really expect me to believe that?" he laughed. I said, "I'll prove it to you if you want me to!" "Go on then." he smiled, handing me the bag. After flushing them, he looked at me and said, "Well, show me your pocket then." "What for?" I asked. He said, "The drugs." I said, "What drugs?"
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Did you hear about the great Duct Tape Heist?
No one knows how they pulled it off.
I gently slid her panties to the left…
So that I could fit the rest of the socks in the drawer
Women really do hold grudges over the smallest things…
My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm and I accidentally gave her a tube of super glue. It's been a week now and she's still not talking to me.
Why did the blind man fall in a well?
Because he couldn’t see that well
How does a computer science major pick up girls?
Oh shit thought this was google
What is the opposite of adulting?
Just kidding.
I bought a leather handbag.
Even though I don't own any leather hands.
![why santa might be a republican [OC]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/12/2xji7kgfnl641-400x369.jpg)
An old woman asks her husband of 60 years
"Honey, what did you think of me when you first saw me?". "My first thought was that I wanted to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry", he replied. "And what do you think of me now darling?", the old woman asked. "I think I've done a pretty good job"
How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but the lightbulb has to want to change.
