A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his butt.
The doctors described his condition as stable.
I don’t know any dean jokes.
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Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with ‘once upon a time’?
No, there are a whole series of fairy tales that begin with ‘If elected, I promise…’
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up 2 fingers and says…
5 beers please
I wanted to learn how to drive a stick shift.
But I couldn't find a manual.
Did you hear about the psychic midget prison escapee?
He’s a small medium at large
Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.
That’s how I roll.
My girlfriend wants me to choose between her and my career as a reporter.
I have some breaking news for her.
I’ve decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because I’m too scrawny…
I just gave my too weak notice!
I’m not very good at dad jokes, but here goes nothing
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Square Enix, Ubisoft, EA and Valve are all in class.
They're all taking a quiz. The teacher tells them that'll have 60 minutes to complete the quiz and that they'll be graded immediately. An hour later, the teacher collects their test sheets and begins grading. Square Enix answered every question correctly, even the extra credit essay question. Ubisoft answered every question, but the answers were all incorrect. Ubisoft explained that they planned to fix the answers later after the test was graded. EA, answered the first question correctly, but the rest of the test sheet was blank. EA then demanded a dollar for each answer after the first, but couldn't guarantee it would be the correct answer. And Valve put their pen down after answering the 2nd question.
My girlfriend walked out on me for being too old fashioned.
I thought we had good alchemy.
Why do the riot police always arrive early to protests?
Because they like to beat the crowd.
A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.
“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog. “I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.” The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on Earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?” The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”
If all people were like Redditors, we would have a better planet
Because Recycling old shit is what Redditors do best . P.S.A – Do recycle ♻
Did you hear about the two houses across the neighborhood from each other that fell in love?
It was a lawn distance relationship.
Is this sub still active?
There have been barely any posts all year.
My wife is mad at me because I never buy her flowers
I didn’t know she even sold flowers!
Man says to his boss, “Can we talk? I have a problem.”
Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!" Man: "Ok, I have a serious drinking opportunity."
Peter Parker didn’t always want to be a super hero
He originally had dreams of being a web designer
I have a very important job in my company. I make sure that there are enough seats when the Directors meet.
Basically, I'm the Chairman of the Board.
What do you give a sick lemon?
Lemonaid.
“Hey dad, I’m taking a shower”
"Alright, make sure to bring it back"
I used to know a guy who did circumcisions
The money wasn't great, but he got to keep the tips.
Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.
For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, idiot!”
I watched a great documentary on beavers this weekend.
Best dam thing I’ve watched in a while.
After 20 years of working on it, I finally finished my physics book.
It was about time.
The Chinese President has decided to make a red book of quotes, like Mao Zedong did.
He's calling it "That's what Xi said"
Just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on, so I shouted, “Hey! Are you a superhero!?”
He yelled back, "Nah, I didn't pay for my haircut!"
Why does the Norwegian navy put barcodes on their ships when returning to port?
So they can Scan da Navy in
I just bought a border collie.
The one I already had wasn't bored enough.
A nice change of pace from all the other times I’ve been fucked because of assembly
https://ift.tt/2X1nWIu
Why was the cheese happy in the kitchen?
He thought he was grater than everyone else.
