A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his butt.
The doctors described his condition as stable.
Dad joke
Wife: I'm pregnant. Dad: Hi pregnant, I'm dad. Wife: No you're not.
Not bragging, but I made six figures last year,
so they named me the year's worst employee at the toy factory.
I made a graph showing my past relationships
It has an ex-axis and a why-axis
eBay is so useless.
I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 12579 matches
Therapists only want one thing
and it's fucking discussing.
Every day I forget which direction the sun rises…
Then it dawns on me
What did cinderella say when her photos didn’t arrive on time?
One day my prints will come.
Me: “Squirting isn’t real, right? It’s just urine, right?”
Interviewer: “I meant any questions about the job.”
Why did 25 letters of the alphabet get coal for Christmas?
Because they were not E
Held the door open for a clown the other day
Thought it was a nice jester
How Long is a Chinese man’s name.
Yes it is.
I’ve just found a cure for anorexia.
It was a piece of cake 🍰!!! 😂
“Judge, 60% of my parking tickets are bogus!”
Judge: Repeat infractions? Man: Fine. 3/5 of my tickets are bogus!
My wife is furious at our next door neighbor who sunbathes nude in her backyard.
Personally I’m on the fence.
What did the necrophiliac get after his wife died?
Mourning wood.
Mod Applications
We’ve been talking about mod apps for years now, but it’s never actually materialized.Well, here’s the Google FormAfter a week or so we will look through all of the responses and stalk profiles do research and see who the best candidates are.
I tell it in the wrong order.
Why am i bad at telling jokes?
I don’t get anti-vaxxers.
If you want a trial version of a kid why don't you borrow your friend's and babysit it instead of letting your own expire?
Women shoots her husband
A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station. "I have an interesting case here " he says "A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped". "Have you arrested her ? " asks the sergeant . "No not yet the floor is still wet"
What’s worse than the doctor putting his hand on your shoulder during a prostate exam?
The doctor putting two hands on your shoulders during a prostate exam.
What did Kim Jong-Un say yesterday before he died?
My Korea is over
I like my women like I like my coffee.
From a third world country and at a reasonable price.
My 7yo just pulled an UNO reverse dad joke on me.
Homework time.. complaining, I don’t wanna, etc. Me: Nicky, I’m getting upset. Nicky: Well, hello, Getting Upset, I’m Nicky. Then he dabbed and walked away. Nothing in my life has prepared me for this.
I watched Bohemian Rhapsody three times in a row, and now I feel a little sick.
Must be the high Mercury content.
My wife treats me as if I’m a god.
She acts like I don't exist until she wants something.
My grandfather’s broken watch is as relevant to my family today as it was to him 50 years ago.
It’s a timeless piece, really.
How bout a blowjob?
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!" His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ….And she's always sound asleep."
What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?
"Are you having a crisis?"
Hay bales under a buck
https://ift.tt/2rYyv1i
I love how the Earth rotates
It makes my day