A man was walking on the street when he suddenly died. How did he die?
Son: Hey Dad can you pass me my sunglasses?
Dad: Sure! But can you pass me my dadglasses first?
My boss told me as a security guard its my job to watch the office.
I am on season 6 so far, but not sure what it has got to do with security.
Gus just wants to help you work out!
It feels weird masturbating to dead pornstars
The weirdest part is having to rebury them
it was inevitable
Whenever I use CSS
What do you call a can opener that’s broken?
A can't opener.
Well today is my first cake day.
And that means my Reddit account is older than most anti-vax kids will ever be.
What’s the difference between light and hard?
I can fall asleep with a light on.
It is hard to say what my wife does for a living.
She sells sea shells by the sea shore.
Not bragging, but I made six figures last year,
so they named me the year's worst employee at the toy factory.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter!
If you ever find yourself at -273.15 Celsius,
just remember that you will still be 0K.
What’s more Irish than potatoes?
Not having potatoes.
What a joke
How is a trans 4-year old like a vegan cat?
We all know who’s making that decision
Couldn’t agree more
When your kid asks for a switch for Christmas
When u care about your health but also don’t care about your health.
Third world problems.
Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up?
Because it was two tired.
I’m following my girlfriend to England for the semester.
I’ll be studying a broad.
People with different ideologies aren’t people!!!1!!!
My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer,
I said, "No, wait! I can change."
My girlfriend was being very suspicious so I followed her, and now I have a huge problem
I need some advice guys. Recently my gf has been receiving too many calls during very odd hours of the night. She has also been coming home very late saying that she was at a team building meeting at work. I called her boss, and he said they've not had any such meeting for the past month. So yesterday when she said she was going for a team building meeting, I followed her on my motorbike after two blocks a guy stopped his car hugged her and opened his car door for her. I was watching all that from a distance so they wouldn't see me. When they finally drove off I tried to start my bike to follow them but it couldn't start. What could the problem be guys? The clutch ? Engine? Petrol? Plug? I'm so worried about my bike. Got banned from r/relationship_advice for this so thought I might as well post it here lmao
Checks and Balances
“How long do you think that fence is?”
“I’m going to guess—-around a yard.”
I had a vasectomy so I won’t have kids
But when I got home, they were still there.
Thyroxine is trying its best.
I shot my first turkey today…
Scared the heck out of everyone else in the frozen food section.
This girl must be a programmer!!!
My wife says she’s like a microwave.
She's easy to turn on, gets hot quick, and if you put a baby in her she'll kill it. .
But Biden is a rapist something something dementia something
where’s your tests?
A man is showing his friend around his town. They pass a boy selling newspapers on the side of the road.
The man nudges his friend and says, "See that kid? He's got to be the stupidest kid in the whole wide world. Watch this." He walks up to the kid as his friend watches, and holds out a five dollar and a ten dollar bill. "Hey kid, pick one." The kid looks between the notes and eventually takes the five dollar bill. The man laughs and pockets the other note and walks back to his friend, still laughing. "See what I mean?" he says, shaking his head. "Every damn time. Stupid kid never learns." His friend is puzzled, but doesn't say anything. Later in the evening he decides to take a stroll alone and spots the boy again. Curiosity overcomes him, and he goes over and asks, "Hey kid, why do you keep taking the five dollar bill every time?" "Because, mister, the day I take the ten dollar bill, the game ends."
A man goes to a doctor
A man goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!" The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks." "I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has this been going on." The doctor asked. "That's nothing Doc. put your ear to my knee." The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say "Man, I really need 10 bucks, just lend me 10 bucks!!" "Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like this." The doctor was dumbfounded. "Wait Doc, that's not it. There's more, just put your ear up to my ankle," the man urged him. The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his ankle plead, "Please, I just need 5 bucks. Lend me 5 bucks please if you can." I have no idea what to tell you," the doctor said. "There's nothing about it in my books," he said as he frantically searched all his medical reference books. "I can make a well educated guess though. Based on life and all my previous experience I’d say your leg appears to be broke in three places."
We all know the show was called Spongebob Squarepants
But the star was Patrick
What technical debt looks like
Park rangers told us not to leave any wrappers inside the car because bears might break in…
Bears must really like Hip-Hop.
A teenage boy had just passed his driving test …
… and asked his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car" The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it. After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut." The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.” The father responded, "Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?"
“She’s not brown so its ok!”
Did you know SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus? Did you know “tuba” is also an acronym?
Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
A few days ago I learnt what confirmation bias meant.
Now I see it everywhere.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
A hippo is very heavy and a Zippo is a little lighter.
They are so mad
It is sad that BoJack hit the nail on the head how the problem is systemic.
A Newlywed Couple Waited for Marriage to Have Sex…
A couple wanted to wait to have sex until the night of their wedding. As the big day got closer the bride tells the groom she has a confession to make. "I am as flat as a board. I'm sorry, I have been using the best padded bras on the market to make people believe I actually have breasts. I hope this isn't a deal-breaker." "Oh thank God!" the groom exclaims. "I have a secret too…my penis is the size of a newborn." The couple is so happy they've aired their most embarrassing information and relieved the other is okay with it. The wedding day comes and goes and the husband and wife start to undress in front of each other for the first time. The bride takes off her dress, unfastens her bra, and as she said her chest looked like a wall with nipples, no boobs at all. Then the groom takes off his suit, drops his underwear, and reveals a monstrously large penis. So large it is almost grotesque. "I thought you said that was going to be as small as a newborn?" she asked. He answers, "well it is, it's 19 inches long and weighs 8 lbs…are you ready?"
What’s the difference between 4-layer toilet paper and a liberal arts major?
You don't find 4-layer toilet paper at McDonalds!
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Scientists have been studying the effect of cannabis on sea birds…
They’ve left no tern unstoned…
Telltale Games will shut down…
Fans will remember that
I asked my grandmother how she’s enjoying her new stairlift…
She said, “It’s driving me up the wall.”
Who’s ready for some anxiety rants
Three couples check into a hotel for their honeymoons.
The man at the front desk has a game he likes to play. When the first couple checked in, he asked the bride what her job was. She said she was a maid. The man thought to himself "Maids are hot. This guy's going to have a fun honeymoon." When the next couple checked in, he asked the bride the same question. She told him she was a nurse. The man at the front desk thought "nurses are even sexier. This guy's going to get laid." The third couple checked in right after. The same question was asked. The bride said she was a high school teacher. The man behind the desk scoffed. "Teachers are so strict." He thought. "They'll probably go right to bed." Just an hour later, the first groom came down to eat. "Already? I thought you'd be spending the night with your new wife." Said the man "I tried!" Replied the groom. "But she insisted on tidying up the room." Another hour passed, and the second groom came down to get some food. The man asked "What are you doing down here so early?" And the groom said "Every time I tried to have sex with her, she just told me I wasn't clean enough." The man expected the third groom to come down soon, but he never did. He waited for hours and how's. Right near the end of his shift, the man finally saw the third groom come down, looking extremely tired. "There you are!" Said the man. "Did you get enough sleep?" "I never slept." Replied the groom. "My wife kept saying "We're going to do this again and again until you get it right."
Oh ! Titanic
You know how the Canary islands is a misnomer, since there’s no canaries? It’s the same with the Virgin Islands
There's no canaries there either
Oh, poor Ed!
I think a new acronym is warranted
Christianity’s only hope!
I like using zoom for immunology, because I can make things like this during class.
Going to need to visit the emergency room after that burn.