A man’s wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes, so he walks down to the store only to find it closed.
So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her.
They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.
After they’ve had their fun, he realizes its 3 a.m. and says, “Oh no, it’s so late, my wife’s going to kill me.” He takes his shoes outside and rubs them in the grass and mud, then proceeds home.
His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed off. “Where the hell have you been?!?!” “Well, honey, it’s like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great-looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her.”
She sees his shoes are covered with grass and says, “You lying bastard!!! You’ve been fishing again!!!”
Edit: Thank you for the silver kind stranger, you like fishing huh?

I Can swear, I’ve seen someone who did the last one, and complained it didn’t work!😂
https://ift.tt/2NaXfvM
It’s a young blonde genie’s first day on the job…
It's a young blonde genie's first day on the job. After returning to genie HQ from her very first charge, she is clearly distraught. The other genies, concerned, ask her what's wrong. She tells them of the young man who's wishes she granted. For his first wish, he asked for a truckload of money. Easy enough, *poof* I provide him with a huge truck, filled top to bottom with cash, and he appears very happy. For his second wish, he wants to be adored by hundreds of beautiful women. I Grant him this wish as well. All the women who are walking by smile and wink at him. One of her fellow genies says, " well, that all sounds great, why are you so upset?" Our genie replies, the last wish is what I just don't understand. He seemed so happy with his first two wishes, why with his third did he wish to be hung like a black man?
What do you call a french man wearing sandals?
Phillipe Phillop
The secret service doesn’t yell “Get down!” anymore when the President is about to be attacked.
They now yell “Donald, Duck!”
You can make jokes about anything, just not illegals
That's Crossing the Border
How many alzheimer’s patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
To get to the other side!
When you donate food to a church…
is it parishable?
A hungry traveler stopped at a monastery and was taken to the kitchen where a brother was frying chips…
"Are you the friar?" he asked. The brother replied "No. I'm the chip monk."
My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together. Man I sure am lucky !
I mean, first I win the lottery and now this
I didn’t think orthopedic shoes would help
But I stand corrected.
Why did the can-crusher man quit his job?
because it was soda-pressing
What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
If we don’t get some support around here, people are gonna think we’re nuts!
So, Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween.
I guess they don't appreciate random people coming to their door.

If you *still* don’t see the con, you’re probably one of his 62,985,134 marks
https://ift.tt/2RWnJny
Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting…..
….He travels up to Alaska, spots a small brown bear and shoots it. Right after, there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin and I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex." After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear has his way with Frank. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip back to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex." Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly has his way with Frank. Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered. Now Frank is completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.
They're the Tolkien white guys.
Why doesn’t Kim Jong Un have a girlfriend?
Because he's too focused on his Korea.
With great reflexes comes great response ability
No text found
I’ve just been diagnosed as color blind
It really came out of the purple
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop.
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education than any Irish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cop's expense. Irish cop says,"License and registration, please." London Lawyer says, "What for?" Irish cop says,"Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign." London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming." Irish cop says,"Ye still didnae come to a com- plete stop. License and registration, please" London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?" Irish cop says, "The difference is, ye havte come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!" London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." Irish cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir." The London Lawyer exits his vehicle. The Irish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living shit out of the lawyer and says, "Daeye want me to stop, or just slow down? "
My teacher says I’m pretty good at addition but I’m terrible at subtraction.
I don't get the difference.
Scientists have invented artificial vocal cords.
The result speaks for itself.
I never thought it was possible for clocks to have sex
But when the time came, I finally knew
My grandpa started walking 5 miles a day when he was 60…
Now he’s 97 and we have no idea where he is
I got my friend a cake in the shape of Pac Man
At least that's what I told him when he saw it.
What do you call a Dothraki riding a squid?
Khal Amari
My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex…
But my girlfriend keeps insisting it says dyslexia
I saw a woman crying in the supermarket
So I stopped and asked what had happened. Through the sobs, said said that she was due to go on holiday, but all the money she had been saving for months was gone. Feeling sorry for her, I decided to give her £50 to try and help a bit. It's not something I'd normally do, but I just found £2,000 in the car park
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I said, I don't hate your relatives, in fact, I like your mother in law a lot more than I like mine
Girls used to call me ugly until they found out how much money I make.
Now they also call me poor.
I still remember my grandfather’s last words to me before he kicked the bucket
“Hey, you wanna see how far I can kick this bucket?”
Why do cows have hooves?
Because they lactose.
A boy in Brooklyn is outside of a candy shop shoveling candy in his mouth. A man approaches the boy and says, “Don’t eat candy, kid. It’s not good for you.”
The boy replied, "My grandfather lived until he was 97." "Really," said the man. "Did he eat a lot of candy, too?" The boy replied, "No, but he minded his own fucking business."
Non-alcoholic beer is a lot like going down on your sister…
it tastes the same, but it's just not right.
People don’t like having to bend over to get their drinks
We really need to raise the bar.
A man goes to the doctor for a physical. He tells the doctor not to be alarmed, but he has 5 penises.
The doctor says, " 5 penises!? How do your pants fit?" The man replies, " like a glove."
Why are there a ton of Religious Holidays but no Science Holidays?
Because science works.